Ah, and now the board feels right again. Meredith, I'm glad you did that!
Thank goodness you and Betsey are so good at picking through my scattered thoughts!
I had the same issue. One day I looked at myself and thought, "I wouldn't want to come home to me either!" I can't be happy ALL of the time, but I certainly don't have to wear my heart on my sleeve either. Happy, sad, mad, etc. I didn't all have to show all things all of the time. I needed to find a way to think things through instead of constantly letting it all spill out without forethought.
Much like this board.
My letters to Mer brought all of this up for me. I honestly laugh so hard that my stomach hurts at times. The board was like this too. It was a place where I felt that I could be myself and be funny. Yes, we tackled serious issues, but we also could just realx and "be." Which, as you know, is something I stole from the movie Bull Durham. "Right now I just want to BE."
That is a huge change for a crazymaker like me.
So, I have also made the conscious effort to be the smart, funny, witty person to my H that I portray (o.k., TRY to portray) to the rest of the world. I would put this self forward if I was out there looking for a new relationship, so why was I keeping her in a closet with this one?
I think, for me, I was so hurt that I decided that my H just plain and simple didn't like ANY side of me. So, my effort went out the window.
Then, as I conversed with Mer, and rediscovered that silly side of myself, I decided that it was sorely missing around here (home).
So, I let my guard down, and have been that girl to my H again. It seems he also has a silly side! He wrote me an e-mail the other day that had me shaking my head in amazement. He hasn't been funny in so long, and there he was, busting out with something I would have never expected.
SO, back to how all of this started... I wondered if the "payoff" of the BB was just too great for our H's (or W's) to compete with.
Maybe, Bets, it wasn't the right question for you. But, as it has seemed to have struck a chord with Meredith and Myrrh, I guess it was good to stick it out there.
As I have seen the unfortunate end to the Hurting_Lots/Mulligan relationship, I decided that I won't keep nagging thoughts to myself anymore. There were so many things that I wanted to say to HL, but I didn't. I was unsure in my own R, who was I to say? BUt, I regret it now. I am not a true friend to anyone if I can't bring up some tough stuff every once in a while. Eventually, we will get back to the silliness.
So, sorry for the interruption in the thread party.
