V asked me to visit you and after reading your story I can see why.
My story has been this crazy roller coaster or emotions. I D was final in 8/15 and as my XH said, and I believe it now, it is just a piece of paper. He is still away and in my life at the same time.
The difference is that I am the one that changed and I think that I changed into a better "ME".
I read your posts and I remember myself at the beginning of my long and painful journey. What Zues said is very true, the pain won't go away and there is no easy way out.
What is there is maturity. Is learning by gathering info from many sources.
In MO (my opinion) your H is going through a big turmoil inside himself. It's not only one thing, it is a collection of stuff that have been accumulating inside him for several years and now he has a big crisis.
If this is MLC or not I just don't know, what I know is that every person have their own crisis and the length of it is not determined by anyone else, but only the one suffering from it.
What I found by myself doing all the right and wrong things is that you are trying to save your marriage and so do not punish yourself for being hopeful... instead set your boundaries, be gentle with yourself and with your H, be friendly with yourself and your H.
I was a black and white person, I was a Yes or No person, but time and pain have been teaching me that I can have compassion when it is time for it, I can have boundaries when it is time for it.
For example: Why you are punching your head with a 2 x 4 because you did not show up to him being all happy, fun... your daughter was at the ER, you did not sleep much and still need to run errands. There is no room for happy, fresh and all that stuff. Don't lye to him or to yourself, be original and be upset, tired. Maybe that's why he is thinking you are weird. Because you are weird.
I let my H do all this, coming and going and still saying he wanted a D and wanted to be friends. It took me a long time to see and learn that only boundaries would set me free. Would allow me to grow as a person and become more attractive not only for him but for other people as well.
I now can see that I lost my identity inside my M, I become someone I did not know anymore and my core values where all mixed up with his and I did not even know what they were anymore.
What did I do to save myself:
1. Slowly, very slowly I started listening to the vets advice. I started reading more and more the advice in other DBiers sitches and could attach some similarities to my sitch.
2. I did all that... hair, nails, weight, exercise and blah, blah, blah... and please don't take me wrong, it's all very important, but I was doing that to just impress him, not to make "ME" feel better. Finally I understood that I do not need to keep that as a rule, I do to feel good with myself, and I can do it when I have time.
3. GAL takes time, first you will force yourself, then it will start coming more naturally, give yourself time for things to happen, it is not an obligation, it is a learning process. Besides, you have the kiddos, you need to develop your network. People that care about you and that can help you sometimes so you can go for a Happy Hour sometimes. It does not need to be every weekend.
4. Very important, learn what is control and all the forms that people will use it to manipulate many situations in life. When I read your posts, it is screaming at me that your H is very controlling. He shows it in a very sweet way, but it is still control. And prepare yourself, the more your wings grow, the more you become independent and strong, the more reaction you will get from him.
You will get all mixed up because he will come running giving you the impression that his suitcase is by the door and yet he will polite and innocent say that he is still moving on and wants to be your best friend.
That is the let go part that everyone say to you, but you learn after so many tears, so much pain in your stomach. You will too, learn that you need to let go of his "LOCO" mode and keep doing what is best for you.
My X Idiot H, as everyone knows I call him like that, was just at my door last sunday night. He dropped the kids after a weekend in Aspen and then he stood there. I then noticed that something was not right and asked him. He started crying. I asked what was wrong again and he said it is just life. Then I said that he did this to both of us and that we need to live with it and be happy with it, that I am happy finding my life and that he needs to be happy living his. He then cried even more, so I hugged him very tight, I really caring hug.
I did not say more, I was just his friend. I validate his wounds, his hurt, his pain. Yes I know all what he did to me, but I still love him, so I do not lie to myself anymore. But I am not feeling like a doormat either. I control my own self and if I hug him is because I care, not because I need to.
So, maybe you can start reading. Gaining knowledge about childhood wounds, traits that we carry long time inside ourselves that comes from our parents, insecurities that are shown as pure control on others, a loss of identity caused by disregarding our main instincts and needs.
Raising kids and loving it, raising kids and hurting from it, raising kids and losing it. It is the amazing most beautiful thing two people can do... make babies. But they are hard work, lot of time, and a big stress on any marriage. Sometime we neglect our own lives, M, love for our H, because we have kids... that simple.
You can start small, go to a library and get one book at a time about R, M, codependency, control, and so many others related and read it, give yourself knowledge and slowly you will find yourself changing, understanding. You will be calmer, more centered, you will know what is happening to you. Use this pain to grow, not to destroy.
About the whole L thing, it's like V said. You need to know your rights, you say everything is in your H's name, so wake up!!! Love is beautiful but do not feed your kids, know what you are up against if things go sour a little further. It does not mean your H will hate you forever, or will never comeback, it means you are protecting your kids and yourself.
Think about this in a separate room of your brain... Finances! Be the Mama Bear for your kiddos. Know the law, gather info about prices, how the Legal separation works, How the D works.
Make copies of some paperwork that you may need if he really goes on with the D. Do not let any paper out of the house without you having a copy. Know how much money you have, he has, if he has any other bank account, property. Know it all, you won't regret, even if you never D your H, you need to be aware of all this stuff. Do not wait to cry on the mild spilled.
Oh, and by the way, do not mention it to him. Make your copies and put it in some family or friend's place that you know they will keep it quite and that H does not have any access. It's important he does not know you are doing it.
I will keep in touch, I have lots to learn yet, and I still would like to save whatever... since I am D now. I love my H but he needs to learn to love himself first, so I am showing him how to do it.
