His dad told us all once he wishes he HAD divorced his mom but not with them in their 50s its to late and they are happy but never 100% happy and he should man up and stay for the kids like his dad did..and hes like what no! So i think it has a roll in why he really wants the D. He keeps saying he doesnt want to be his parents. Its why I'm pretty sure now with him telling his parents his decision it will be final.
Believe nothing your WH says ok? That's one of Sandi rules.
I had those laminated and measured myself against them every month.
Your FIL sounds very cruel, saying those things about his M after all this time. Makes me very uncomfortable hearing that.
A small point if you are off moderation, then it's a good idea to complete your tags. Those are the items you see at the bottom of the posts, giving age etc. It helps others review your sitch (memory jogger) and you will get more posts. Helps build your online tribe here (family).
I am disappointed your WH is playing these games, review Sandi rules regularly and one of the books to read regularly is DB and DR.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes 180- find and talk to a L FOR ADVICE so I can know what can happen.
He told my husband this as his advice to get him to COME HOME..just man up and stay for the kids..thats what I did type thing. They (his parents) almost went threw a divorce when we first married and then never did. My husband withdrew from them, stopped visitng them, refused to talk to them. He was 23ish and was having a VERY hard time dealing with it. They decided not to get the divorce and just buy a bigger house and make it work. Sometimes I think he feels like they stayed together because he handled the news so bad. He even kept the kids away from them. It was a bad few months.
How do I complete my tags? Im not sure how.
Today is MISERABLE my daughter and I are in the ER for her being sick. My WH had to leave work and had major attitude with me at 2:30 am. I'm physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED today. I hope when I go home he can watch the kids so I can sleep..I only slept 2 hours.
What is the difference between walk away spouse and wayward husband? Or I dont even know what is the correct term to call him. Early mid life crisis husband?? He did trade his truck in for a tiny sports car, working out, taking care of how he looks, wanting to go out and party with the guys. I dont know what to call him. 😕
What is the difference between walk away spouse and wayward husband? Or I dont even know what is the correct term to call him. Early mid life crisis husband?? He did trade his truck in for a tiny sports car, working out, taking care of how he looks, wanting to go out and party with the guys. I dont know what to call him. 😕
I don't think it's important as it doesn't change what you need to do. Call him WAH. Diagnosing WAS's is a dangerous trap to get caught up in. Keep your focus on yourself.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you, I will just stick with that. I'm really trying to focus on myself. I feel as SOON as he knows I'm starting to move on he does something to either A- make me feel loved and start having false extra hope or B- reminds me he doesnt love me and still leaving which makes me break down. Either way I feel like I backtrack.
Goal for today while he is here visiting my sick daughter. Boundaries and 180. No entering my bubble of 2 get personal space just like when you first meet someone.
When we woke up I said I had to run errands and left which he thought was extremely weird since I didn't tell him where I was going. I had to drop off my daughters prescription and then stop by her school to leave a doctors note and pick up homework. Usually I ask if It's okay and tell him all the details. My 180 was just going to do what I needed to do.
He asked once why I was cranky- I wasn't I just extremely tired from being up all the night and only getting 3 hours of sleep and he was trying to talk about if I needed money now or in 3-4 days and I said well if you are the bank and would like to bring some I will save it for when I need it but if not I am fine to wait. Not sure how it came off as cranky.
Then he asked why I am acting so "weird" because today was the first day I ENFORCED the bubble rule. I didn't let him stand to close to me, I stayed in another room from his most of the time. I was polite and said have a good day at work when he left. He knocked on the bathroom door to ask what I was doing and I'm like..using the bathroom. Luckily today he didn't bust in on me. He snuck up behind me when he was leaving and gave me an around the arm hug and I just looked at him and walked away. Usually I would give him a really good hug since I wouldn't see him for a few days.
I'm not sure if I am doing it right. I know I'm suppose to be HAPPY and carefree and fun to be around but I feel like my 180s today made him think i'm being weird and off. I am a VERY loving, touchy, hold me, snuggle person and today I turned it all off. Did I 180 to hard today?
I think you did just fine. There's nothing set in stone that you need to tell him everywhere you are going and why. He is not your father. You are a grown woman who has errands to run.
He thinks you are cranky because you aren't being that lovey dovey wifey that he knows. I had to laugh about the bathroom. What did he think you were doing? Certainly not in there running the razor for a long period of time to cover up a call being made to a lover. Then again, maybe he's got something hidden in there and though you were looking around. You just never know what goes thru their minds.
Rednail, there is nothing set in stone that says you have to be happy all of the time. You are going to have days when nothing goes right and you are going to be down in the dumps. Being civil is good enough today and you have given him plenty to think about.
Be sure to contact some lawyers and get all of the info you need to help you make good decisions. Knowledge is power and the more you know, the more you'll be ahead if he does file.
Keep up the good work. Always try to remember, DB is for you. It is not to win your h back, but if the techniques work he comes back, then that's great. However, DB is to help you navigate yourself through all the loops of life. You can use it w/anyone at any time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job- the other day he asked what I was doing in the bathroom.. I said getting dressed. HE UNLOCKED the bathroom just to see if I was getting undressed. He goes into the bathroom for 15-20 minutes at a time and I have never busted in on him. I think he is getting a little weird about me being in the bathroom. I do have to occasional use the bathroom LOL. He only is here sometimes during the week and there is nothing interesting in there. I clean it top to bottom all the time.
Thank you for telling me I don't have to be happy 100% of the time. I felt bad for not being all HAPPY HAPPY today. He doesn't know his parents told me he told them he is getting a divorce. I don't plan on telling him. I think I may be over reacting a little but It hurt to know he is telling them we ARE getting divorced while he tells me HE THINKS or WANTS one but willing to wait to see if his mind changes. I feel like it's 2 faced but i'm letting it go. (Breathe)
Yes today I am making a list of lawyers around me that offer free consultations to get information.
Yes DB is for me to keep my sanity. I really do miss hugging and snuggling and kissing him so bad but in reality all it did was hurt me. I can't give him all my love (that he wants) when he want's out the door. I think it's too much getting your cake and eating it for him.
V asked me to visit you and after reading your story I can see why.
My story has been this crazy roller coaster or emotions. I D was final in 8/15 and as my XH said, and I believe it now, it is just a piece of paper. He is still away and in my life at the same time.
The difference is that I am the one that changed and I think that I changed into a better "ME".
I read your posts and I remember myself at the beginning of my long and painful journey. What Zues said is very true, the pain won't go away and there is no easy way out.
What is there is maturity. Is learning by gathering info from many sources.
In MO (my opinion) your H is going through a big turmoil inside himself. It's not only one thing, it is a collection of stuff that have been accumulating inside him for several years and now he has a big crisis.
If this is MLC or not I just don't know, what I know is that every person have their own crisis and the length of it is not determined by anyone else, but only the one suffering from it.
What I found by myself doing all the right and wrong things is that you are trying to save your marriage and so do not punish yourself for being hopeful... instead set your boundaries, be gentle with yourself and with your H, be friendly with yourself and your H.
I was a black and white person, I was a Yes or No person, but time and pain have been teaching me that I can have compassion when it is time for it, I can have boundaries when it is time for it.
For example: Why you are punching your head with a 2 x 4 because you did not show up to him being all happy, fun... your daughter was at the ER, you did not sleep much and still need to run errands. There is no room for happy, fresh and all that stuff. Don't lye to him or to yourself, be original and be upset, tired. Maybe that's why he is thinking you are weird. Because you are weird.
I let my H do all this, coming and going and still saying he wanted a D and wanted to be friends. It took me a long time to see and learn that only boundaries would set me free. Would allow me to grow as a person and become more attractive not only for him but for other people as well.
I now can see that I lost my identity inside my M, I become someone I did not know anymore and my core values where all mixed up with his and I did not even know what they were anymore.
What did I do to save myself:
1. Slowly, very slowly I started listening to the vets advice. I started reading more and more the advice in other DBiers sitches and could attach some similarities to my sitch.
2. I did all that... hair, nails, weight, exercise and blah, blah, blah... and please don't take me wrong, it's all very important, but I was doing that to just impress him, not to make "ME" feel better. Finally I understood that I do not need to keep that as a rule, I do to feel good with myself, and I can do it when I have time.
3. GAL takes time, first you will force yourself, then it will start coming more naturally, give yourself time for things to happen, it is not an obligation, it is a learning process. Besides, you have the kiddos, you need to develop your network. People that care about you and that can help you sometimes so you can go for a Happy Hour sometimes. It does not need to be every weekend.
4. Very important, learn what is control and all the forms that people will use it to manipulate many situations in life. When I read your posts, it is screaming at me that your H is very controlling. He shows it in a very sweet way, but it is still control. And prepare yourself, the more your wings grow, the more you become independent and strong, the more reaction you will get from him.
You will get all mixed up because he will come running giving you the impression that his suitcase is by the door and yet he will polite and innocent say that he is still moving on and wants to be your best friend.
That is the let go part that everyone say to you, but you learn after so many tears, so much pain in your stomach. You will too, learn that you need to let go of his "LOCO" mode and keep doing what is best for you.
My X Idiot H, as everyone knows I call him like that, was just at my door last sunday night. He dropped the kids after a weekend in Aspen and then he stood there. I then noticed that something was not right and asked him. He started crying. I asked what was wrong again and he said it is just life. Then I said that he did this to both of us and that we need to live with it and be happy with it, that I am happy finding my life and that he needs to be happy living his. He then cried even more, so I hugged him very tight, I really caring hug.
I did not say more, I was just his friend. I validate his wounds, his hurt, his pain. Yes I know all what he did to me, but I still love him, so I do not lie to myself anymore. But I am not feeling like a doormat either. I control my own self and if I hug him is because I care, not because I need to.
So, maybe you can start reading. Gaining knowledge about childhood wounds, traits that we carry long time inside ourselves that comes from our parents, insecurities that are shown as pure control on others, a loss of identity caused by disregarding our main instincts and needs.
Raising kids and loving it, raising kids and hurting from it, raising kids and losing it. It is the amazing most beautiful thing two people can do... make babies. But they are hard work, lot of time, and a big stress on any marriage. Sometime we neglect our own lives, M, love for our H, because we have kids... that simple.
You can start small, go to a library and get one book at a time about R, M, codependency, control, and so many others related and read it, give yourself knowledge and slowly you will find yourself changing, understanding. You will be calmer, more centered, you will know what is happening to you. Use this pain to grow, not to destroy.
About the whole L thing, it's like V said. You need to know your rights, you say everything is in your H's name, so wake up!!! Love is beautiful but do not feed your kids, know what you are up against if things go sour a little further. It does not mean your H will hate you forever, or will never comeback, it means you are protecting your kids and yourself.
Think about this in a separate room of your brain... Finances! Be the Mama Bear for your kiddos. Know the law, gather info about prices, how the Legal separation works, How the D works.
Make copies of some paperwork that you may need if he really goes on with the D. Do not let any paper out of the house without you having a copy. Know how much money you have, he has, if he has any other bank account, property. Know it all, you won't regret, even if you never D your H, you need to be aware of all this stuff. Do not wait to cry on the mild spilled.
Oh, and by the way, do not mention it to him. Make your copies and put it in some family or friend's place that you know they will keep it quite and that H does not have any access. It's important he does not know you are doing it.
I will keep in touch, I have lots to learn yet, and I still would like to save whatever... since I am D now. I love my H but he needs to learn to love himself first, so I am showing him how to do it.
