Seeing less of my old shark image

[Meredith]

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, that IS my name you suddenly see on this BB! And you thought you’d gotten rid of me…

Yesterday when Pam posted, it struck home with me big time. Actually, something she had said the day before struck home first. I’ll explain that, and then try to muddle through where I am right now. I say ‘muddle’ because I am struggling to define my feelings at the moment. As someone who normally doesn’t have much difficulty hammering out in words the way that I feel – this is new territory for me.

Okay, as Pam mentioned, we do email back and forth every day. And, like Pam, I really look forward to those emails. Honestly, they make my day. They’re hilarious, and they allow me to be hilarious, and it is great fun mixed in with true DB advice. Similar to what Pam wrote yesterday, I realized that I am not being my complete self with my H. I haven’t been able to laugh with him like that in long time, and I can’t fully explain why. I simply don’t feel funny and goofy and giddy when I am with him. The last time my H and I rofloled together (sorry, Pam, had to use it) was ages ago. I am so damn concerned with what I say, how I say it and how it will be perceived by him that I quit being me. I’m making great strides to be that Mer with him again, minus the crazymaking.

That said; I feel right in the middle of what Pam and Betsey are going through right now. I don’t show the positives that Pam does, though even cynical me will admit that my sitch DOES contain many positives. I do feel that there is hope for my marriage. However, when someone (I can’t credit the author this because I completely forgot who it was, my apologies) wrote that MW liked the way things were because he got to choose his own balance between alone time and family time I almost fell off my chair. Because, friends, he described my H. And my H’s comment of “this works for us, why would you want to change it” came back and socked me right in the face.

So, like Betsey, I wonder why I bother to try and make this marriage work when my cake eater husband honestly prefers this balance of part time family/part time teenager. Granted, he doesn’t want divorce. But, I am not sure how much he wants reconciliation either.

As most of you know, this past month has been a rocky one for me. Throughout this turbulence, I have dedicated the majority of my free time to helping my niece through a very difficult transition in her little life. To do so, I have stocked up on books…name the self-help book and you’ll find it on my bookshelf. At the recommendation of her therapist, I began reading ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’ (which, as I am one, should have been a book I read long ago) because he said it helps to describe what children feel like when they are placed last, as she was in her home. I’m babbling here, but what I intended to say was that the book describes many ways a child can feel in a home headed by alcoholics. One of the personas described was a child who can never fully relax at home, because they are unsure what will happen and when the next bomb will blow. I am not an alcoholic, but that section stood out at me for my H. I have a strong feeling that he felt this way also. He couldn’t relax at home, because he never knew what would set me off. Hell, I didn’t even know at the time. One minute we’re fine, the next I’m crazymaking and then cleaning up that mess. I think this former (I cannot stress enough that it is the former) way of life for us increases this need that he has for safe space right now. I cannot blame him for that. I wonder if MW is experiencing this also.

In summary, because I do realize that I was all over the map with this post, I have to find a way to be myself around H, the fun self that I am when with my girlfriends and trying to create a way that my H has a balance of free time in our home as well as outside of it. Then, once that has been hammered out, the process of getting my H to trust the changes in me and in the home begins so that he wants to be there. All while trying NOT to become resentful myself over the fact that I have a cake eater for a husband and no one is going out of their way to make ME feel comfortable and balanced. Possible? Remains to be seen.

And that Pam, has been what is swirling around in my head all day and night! Like I said, I have so much that is happening in this head of mine right now that getting it down on paper is the impossible task of the day. But here is the gist of the thoughts, as promised!

I just read this in the preview thing, and I realized something. I knew all of this all along…all along I have been saying the same things. It just was presented to me in a different light and I’m working through this all over again. The only thing that makes me take a deep breath and keep plodding on is the fact that there ARE improvements. So, as I promised my FIL, so long as there is solid progress I will stick this thing out.

Pam, Betsey, DB buddies, I owe you so much! So very much, because you have given me the tools that I needed to find the courage to change myself. I love you guys!

Now for some goals and plans…