I will absolutely agree the constant D threats are abusive, in fact over the past several months I have been reflecting on this and thought to myself has she always been this way or was it more so about the MLC? Bottom line its more about CONTROL. To be honest she always has been controlling and as MLC moved in like a slow storm the abuse increased. Early on I fought fire with fire and we had some nice little fights, over time I chose just to walk out of the room (punishing) which infuriates her … still does, but now I walk out with the boundary of “I will no longer be treated this way, when you want to discuss is civilly I would be glad to do so when we both (implying her without the accusational finger) are calm”. I think the root issue here is control, she becomes abusive when she feels like she is losing control, when that does not work the nicey-nice girl comes to play, again to regain control, funny I never really seen this till as of late but then again I was never detached enough to do so I was to busy putting and removing spew jackets to protect myself. How to break this cycle I am still learning that, other than detaching and removing myself from the equation I am not quite sure but as I think about this I feel maybe this is where the lack of respect resides, if she is always controlling things how can she respect me?.... Something for me to dwell on I think.
I am still standing for my M, but more so I am standing for myself. If she wants to separate or D I am at peace with that, I have done all I can to this point and will close this chapter of my life and start another. If she does chose to work on the M I am not so sure she can/will do the work required so I am very reserved (Thoughts about how selfish and almost narcissistic she has evolved have made me cynical) . Thinking about it over the past few days I realized I am towards the end of my rope with this, I have 2-3 months till I move out of that condo thankfully my GAL plate is about to be very full as I prepare for the move. Its obvious God has more work to do with her, who knows where I will be but I am seriously leaning towards the fact I still have healing to do from all this. I thought possibly her and I could get through this and help each other but I failed to realize she has so much to do on herself.
Any Newbies, heck even the ‘oldies’ might benefit from this, I have a friend she has been married for a bit and well she is very ‘out’ there .. everything is on FB, everything. Well seems her and her H got into it she posted this some time ago, I have read it countless times I do not have it memorized but there are parts I have used and still turn to it often.
Typing this out any LBS could have written this to their MLCr (obviously never to be sent)
BOUNDARIES:
You say that you love me but This doesn’t feel like love
This feels like abuse and I’m not going to ignore it any longer
If I continue to put up with your Dysfunctional behavior, then I’m telling you that its ok
I’m telling you I support it and I wholeheartedly do not support your behavior.
I have the right to tell you that, and the right to distance myself from it
I don’t belong to you, I belong to me
I belong to the community that I chose to build around me
A community of people who support me and help me to be my best
People who’s behavior is good and loving, people who feel good to be around
You do not feel supportive and helpful
You do not feel good and loving and I don’t have any obligation to engage with someone who makes me feel bad.
Your behaiviors toward me feel threatening, critical, disrespectful, mean-spirited, hurtful, manipulative, and unfair
That may feel good to you, and if that’s how you want to continue to treat people, that’s your choice
But it most certainly does’nt feel good to me and I do not deserve it.
I am not going to continue to allow it in my life.
I have worked and continue to work to heal from it
To free myself from its grip on my wellbeing
To cultivate growth in myself that enriches life, rather than spoils it.
You have your own work to do
Your demons are not mine to dance with
Your unresolved grief, resentment anger and depression are not my problem.
I’m not going to allow you to bog down my progress with the lack of yours.
You can continue to believe that something I’ve done is to blame for your ill treatment of me
But I know I’m a good person, and I do not deserve your abuse.
Your behaviors toward me do not define who I am, they define who you are.
And I do not like who you are towards me, I do not like how you make me feel, and I will no longer welcome that behavior in my community
Its simple, If you want to be in my life, I welcome you.
This said, you need to behave in a more positive way.
If you treat me poorly, I’m not going to position myself around you
If you want to change, do the work, evolve, grow, and be a person who is pleasant to be around, I’d be happy to have you around.
But until then I’m going to take a break, I’m going to distance from you, I’m going to let go.
Whatever it takes to take care of myself and not enable you to continue to act as if treating people in an abusive or othersiwe disrespectful way is ok.
