OK, I am just catching up, and I am falling-out-of-my-chair-unable-to-type-laughing about the whole idea of a Mr. Winky fashion show. But, if there is going to be such a thing, then I think mine will wear just a tie (albeit a summer inspired blue and white stripe brooks brothers tie, something that goes nice with a crisp white shirt and seersucker pants--I do live in the capitol of the south, ya know)
Please pardon my demeanor, but W is out w/ OM tonight, and I've been out on the town with the boys and had a few martinis
Quote: I've been patient to the point of wondering if I'm a head case.
I haven't been waiting near as long as you have, but I know the feeling. I get to wondering if the waiting and the patience and the validation and the caring I've been giving are just time down the drain. BUT, I know that they're not, I know that this consistent generosity of heart is making me a much better person.
Quote: If he goes to MC and gives reconciliation an honest effort, I'm going to have to put in a lot of work to decide to love him again.
Yes. This is probably a given. Betsey, you've been a phenomenal inspiration to me. I've only been at this maybe a few months, but even now I'm starting to reach a point of detachment whereby I know that if W decides to renew our love together, its going to take quite a bit of work to move forward. She will need to learn to let me love her again, she will need to relearn how to feel safe with me, and I will have to continue to be achingly patient for a very long time. I can sense it in the same way some of us can smell snow. It scares me, but i won't give up yet.
Quote: However, as someone who sees the glass as half full...
And thank you for being this kind of person! Its taken me awhile to see life this way, and I honestly want to thank you for being someone who helped me get there. I know I need to use the next few days to re-examine my goals and strategy, but what about you? Easter is a time of true renewal. How might you raise the bar? Make Mr. W see the light? Is there a possibility there may be a way to do this? Some way to re-arrange things in his eyes? I don't even pretend to have the answer, but I felt compelled to ask as you've given me such great feedback...
But, I know that you are a success at DBing if you are able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I did what I could, but I have to love ME the most."
AMEN!!
Pib stands up claps her hands and stomps her feet with enthusiasm!
Yep, ladies and gentlemen, that IS my name you suddenly see on this BB! And you thought you’d gotten rid of me…
Yesterday when Pam posted, it struck home with me big time. Actually, something she had said the day before struck home first. I’ll explain that, and then try to muddle through where I am right now. I say ‘muddle’ because I am struggling to define my feelings at the moment. As someone who normally doesn’t have much difficulty hammering out in words the way that I feel – this is new territory for me.
Okay, as Pam mentioned, we do email back and forth every day. And, like Pam, I really look forward to those emails. Honestly, they make my day. They’re hilarious, and they allow me to be hilarious, and it is great fun mixed in with true DB advice. Similar to what Pam wrote yesterday, I realized that I am not being my complete self with my H. I haven’t been able to laugh with him like that in long time, and I can’t fully explain why. I simply don’t feel funny and goofy and giddy when I am with him. The last time my H and I rofloled together (sorry, Pam, had to use it) was ages ago. I am so damn concerned with what I say, how I say it and how it will be perceived by him that I quit being me. I’m making great strides to be that Mer with him again, minus the crazymaking.
That said; I feel right in the middle of what Pam and Betsey are going through right now. I don’t show the positives that Pam does, though even cynical me will admit that my sitch DOES contain many positives. I do feel that there is hope for my marriage. However, when someone (I can’t credit the author this because I completely forgot who it was, my apologies) wrote that MW liked the way things were because he got to choose his own balance between alone time and family time I almost fell off my chair. Because, friends, he described my H. And my H’s comment of “this works for us, why would you want to change it” came back and socked me right in the face.
So, like Betsey, I wonder why I bother to try and make this marriage work when my cake eater husband honestly prefers this balance of part time family/part time teenager. Granted, he doesn’t want divorce. But, I am not sure how much he wants reconciliation either.
As most of you know, this past month has been a rocky one for me. Throughout this turbulence, I have dedicated the majority of my free time to helping my niece through a very difficult transition in her little life. To do so, I have stocked up on books…name the self-help book and you’ll find it on my bookshelf. At the recommendation of her therapist, I began reading ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’ (which, as I am one, should have been a book I read long ago) because he said it helps to describe what children feel like when they are placed last, as she was in her home. I’m babbling here, but what I intended to say was that the book describes many ways a child can feel in a home headed by alcoholics. One of the personas described was a child who can never fully relax at home, because they are unsure what will happen and when the next bomb will blow. I am not an alcoholic, but that section stood out at me for my H. I have a strong feeling that he felt this way also. He couldn’t relax at home, because he never knew what would set me off. Hell, I didn’t even know at the time. One minute we’re fine, the next I’m crazymaking and then cleaning up that mess. I think this former (I cannot stress enough that it is the former) way of life for us increases this need that he has for safe space right now. I cannot blame him for that. I wonder if MW is experiencing this also.
In summary, because I do realize that I was all over the map with this post, I have to find a way to be myself around H, the fun self that I am when with my girlfriends and trying to create a way that my H has a balance of free time in our home as well as outside of it. Then, once that has been hammered out, the process of getting my H to trust the changes in me and in the home begins so that he wants to be there. All while trying NOT to become resentful myself over the fact that I have a cake eater for a husband and no one is going out of their way to make ME feel comfortable and balanced. Possible? Remains to be seen.
And that Pam, has been what is swirling around in my head all day and night! Like I said, I have so much that is happening in this head of mine right now that getting it down on paper is the impossible task of the day. But here is the gist of the thoughts, as promised!
I just read this in the preview thing, and I realized something. I knew all of this all along…all along I have been saying the same things. It just was presented to me in a different light and I’m working through this all over again. The only thing that makes me take a deep breath and keep plodding on is the fact that there ARE improvements. So, as I promised my FIL, so long as there is solid progress I will stick this thing out.
Pam, Betsey, DB buddies, I owe you so much! So very much, because you have given me the tools that I needed to find the courage to change myself. I love you guys!
Now for some goals and plans…
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Wow, lots of good insight her, ladies! I can totally relate to being afraid of anything you might say or do that might be wrong. I feel like I am trying so hard to be what I think h wants me to be. And, I suck at acting, cannot hide my emotions.
Betsey, I'm proud of you too for seriously giving it your best effort. I know mine has been so half-assed and so sporadic...I admire you. I can see how you would be at your sh!t or get off the pot state. That is quite a while to be in limbo.
But, like the others, I do see positives too. It's hard to determine just how much you can give, and give, and keep giving. You've accepted responsibility, you've changed, yes, it will take Mr. W a while to believe it, but in the meantime, things ain't easy...
I hope your bob barker rubs off on me soon b/c i really need some of it!
karen812
but, I know too, that my h walks on eggshells too b/c he doesn't know what is going to set me off. Well, it's usually the same things over and over. bleh...
Ah, and now the board feels right again. Meredith, I'm glad you did that!
Thank goodness you and Betsey are so good at picking through my scattered thoughts!
I had the same issue. One day I looked at myself and thought, "I wouldn't want to come home to me either!" I can't be happy ALL of the time, but I certainly don't have to wear my heart on my sleeve either. Happy, sad, mad, etc. I didn't all have to show all things all of the time. I needed to find a way to think things through instead of constantly letting it all spill out without forethought.
Much like this board.
My letters to Mer brought all of this up for me. I honestly laugh so hard that my stomach hurts at times. The board was like this too. It was a place where I felt that I could be myself and be funny. Yes, we tackled serious issues, but we also could just realx and "be." Which, as you know, is something I stole from the movie Bull Durham. "Right now I just want to BE."
That is a huge change for a crazymaker like me.
So, I have also made the conscious effort to be the smart, funny, witty person to my H that I portray (o.k., TRY to portray) to the rest of the world. I would put this self forward if I was out there looking for a new relationship, so why was I keeping her in a closet with this one?
I think, for me, I was so hurt that I decided that my H just plain and simple didn't like ANY side of me. So, my effort went out the window.
Then, as I conversed with Mer, and rediscovered that silly side of myself, I decided that it was sorely missing around here (home).
So, I let my guard down, and have been that girl to my H again. It seems he also has a silly side! He wrote me an e-mail the other day that had me shaking my head in amazement. He hasn't been funny in so long, and there he was, busting out with something I would have never expected.
SO, back to how all of this started... I wondered if the "payoff" of the BB was just too great for our H's (or W's) to compete with.
Maybe, Bets, it wasn't the right question for you. But, as it has seemed to have struck a chord with Meredith and Myrrh, I guess it was good to stick it out there.
As I have seen the unfortunate end to the Hurting_Lots/Mulligan relationship, I decided that I won't keep nagging thoughts to myself anymore. There were so many things that I wanted to say to HL, but I didn't. I was unsure in my own R, who was I to say? BUt, I regret it now. I am not a true friend to anyone if I can't bring up some tough stuff every once in a while. Eventually, we will get back to the silliness.
So, sorry for the interruption in the thread party.
What kind of information are you looking for? Somewhere in the land of piecing you will find my last thread, which contains the links to my previous threads if you are looking for the whole story. I’ll try to abridge it though!
I have been with my H for six years. We have one biological child together, who will be 2 in Sept and as of recently I’m raising my sister’s child who will be 5 in July. I am almost 28 and he just turned 29 (though you would never guess he was a day over 18 if your guess was based on his actions).
I’ve been separated for a year and a week. I have been DBing since September (holy moses! That makes seven – eight months of DBing!!) But the true DBing began when Betsey and I teamed up. We soon added Pam to our team and I’m proud to say that these two women have become two of my very close friends! We’ve explored countless personality disorders, childhood trends, etc and because of the interest I have found in these things I decided to get my degree in psychology. I start that endeavor in the fall.
I am a crazymaker, a control freak, and insecure about close relationships. He is a divorced kid and scared for life because of it and is also extremely passive-aggressive, avoids conflict and is as irresponsible as they come. Yet, I love him to death when I decide to.
There was an OW…as far as I know now it was only EA (wait, did I say ‘only’ ) and I am finally coming to a place where I don’t wish death upon her. To my knowledge, he does not associate with this woman any longer but since he never admitted to the affair to begin with, he wouldn’t exactly be forthcoming about cutting all contact. I’m learning to be okay with that.
My goals are detailed out in my past threads, but right now I am working on being the best career-mom that I can be and create the recipe for this potion that PamelaC speaks of. So far I have the ingredients, I am just working on the measurements!
I am still very much a resident of limbo-land, yet I am so much more detached and calm than I was a few months ago. My H has shown definite signs of improvement, although has yet to really bring forth true reconciliation effort. I can honestly say that he is trying though.
I am lucky in that I have never heard him tell me that he does not love me, that he wants a divorce, that he’s happier without me, that we weren’t right for each other, etc. I am not entirely convinced that he does not think these things, but without hearing him voice them I have found the strength to keep going. Because I am cynical by nature, I must also add that I have never heard the words, I want to come home, please can we work through this, I’m sorry I had sexual conversations with another woman, etc. BUT, we’ll go ahead and focus on the positives. This is Betsey’s thread…gotta play by her rules!!
A little longer than a nutshell, perhaps…but there is my summary!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Pam, back to you…and sorry, I haven’t got any attire to add to the penis conversation! But do you remember how we were sitting in Macaroni Grill that day and you were commenting that your H raised an eyebrow at you when you mentioned we were ‘popular’ on this board? I think that ties in here…
We were pretty popular, and people were seeking our advice here. People WANTED to talk to us and valued our opinions! I think we began to really see that we had traits that we needed to change, surely…but in truth we were good people who others wanted to be around. And possibly we began to resent our H’s because they did not outwardly feel the same way…
The missing link, for me, is that I didn’t ACT the same way! He couldn’t feel the same way because as hard as I tried to interact with my husband, it wasn’t natural. It wasn’t the way that I interacted here…like handing one child the top of the strawberry with the green part you can’t eat and handing the other child the bottom half with only the good tasting fruit and wondering why the first child wasn’t as excited over the fruit as the second. They both got a piece of the same strawberry…but the first child got only a little of the good and majority of the bad. You can still call it a strawberry…but who wants that? Okay, even I can see that was a completely stupid analogy, but I’m multi-tasking so it is the best I’ve got!!
PS: for the record, even if this gets me in trouble, don’t beat yourself up too much over HL and Mulligan ‘cause neither was in a position to listen to what you had to say…their minds were made up and they weren’t allowing any input to change their minds.
PPS: you used ! Rolflong…cause you said you would NEVER use !!!!!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
First of all, may I offer a very belated birthday wish to you Betsy? Your birthday was on the same day as my foster grandson's birth! He had a rough entry into this world, so my prayers are hoping he has no long-lasting problems.
Your words here are powerful...that through your years of M, you've pulled amazingly hopeful meaning out for yourself. You were willing to face how you contributed to the R, work on yourself, and impacted your H in such a way that he also became a better human being. You have not been wasting your pain, but creating something good and meaningful from it - thank you for your inspiration.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
) and I am finally coming to a place where I don’t wish death upon her. To my knowledge, he does not associate with this woman any longer but since he never admitted to the affair to begin with, he wouldn’t exactly be forthcoming about cutting all contact. I’m learning to be okay with that.