Good morning MB. Snow day here. I'm reading The Lost Art of Listening, and it finally got good. Wonka recommended it and I'm now reading about how to have productive arguments, or avoid them altogether.
It would be nice if we could all get new FB accounts using our aliases. Then we could chat...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm not going to check up on her; I just want to know what part of town she's in. Why? I don't know. I guess so I'm better prepared when I'm in that part of town.
NYGal, I'm just sitting shaking my head.... Not going to check up on her? Yes you are! So you'll be better prepared? You want to know because you're curious. You want to know what it is that she does. You want to know what she's doing that is so attractive to your W. I know because I feel the same way about H's ow.
Originally Posted By: NYGal}I still can't even stand the thought of driving by my old house. I don't want confirmation that they're still together[/quote
No, of course not. No one wants confirmation that they are together. You want confirmation that they are NOT TOGETHER. Just be really careful. Make sure you can handle it if you were to see W's car there. It's amazing how badly it hurts when you see the proof staring you right in the face like that. When I saw her car there, I felt like I had just stabbed my own heart and turned the knife just to make it hurt more.
[quote=NYGal]since W said a week ago she "needs more time alone," and that she misses me and regrets what she's done. That conversation (and I never did list all the details) did give me hope. It sounded like reconciliation is possible in the future. I don't know how to handle that, if it happens.
That does sound great. The only problem is that her moods and emotions are changing so fast right now that she's confused and doesn't know which way is up. Just proceed cautiously. Been there, done that. It didn't work out well for me. In fact, it felt like I was right back at the origional BD when he pulled that rug out from under me again. I promise you don't want that kind of pain again. You don't realize how much progress you've made until it's taken away from you and you have to start all over. Just be careful.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
When the WASs reach out, I don't know at what point we stop NC and show them the path home? I'm not anywhere near there at this point. Just still hoping. Perhaps I'm being delusional, but it keeps me a bit happier.
I don't have an answer for this one. I wish I did, but I really don't. As soon as my H had second thoughts, I jumped right back in. He didn't even have to work for it. I don't know how you're supposed to tell if they're "temp checking." And, how do you know when to believe them instead of "don't believe anything they say and only 1/2 of what they do?? If you find the answer, share it with me please.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Good morning MB. Snow day here. I'm reading The Lost Art of Listening, and it finally got good. Wonka recommended it and I'm now reading about how to have productive arguments, or avoid them altogether.
It would be nice if we could all get new FB accounts using our aliases. Then we could chat...
Productive argument? Didn't know there was such a thing.
And that's a pretty good idea NYGal about our aliases.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
LOL, not sure how I did it, but part of what I wrote ended up inside the quotes with NYGal's words. I should have posted AFTER I woke up instead of before going to sleep.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I'm not going to check up on her; I just want to know what part of town she's in. Why? I don't know. I guess so I'm better prepared when I'm in that part of town.
NYGal, I'm just sitting shaking my head.... Not going to check up on her? Yes you are! So you'll be better prepared? You want to know because you're curious. You want to know what it is that she does. You want to know what she's doing that is so attractive to your W. I know because I feel the same way about H's ow.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I still can't even stand the thought of driving by my old house. I don't want confirmation that they're still together
No, of course not. No one wants confirmation that they are together. You want confirmation that they are NOT TOGETHER. Just be really careful. Make sure you can handle it if you were to see W's car there. It's amazing how badly it hurts when you see the proof staring you right in the face like that. When I saw her car there, I felt like I had just stabbed my own heart and turned the knife just to make it hurt more.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
since W said a week ago she "needs more time alone," and that she misses me and regrets what she's done. That conversation (and I never did list all the details) did give me hope. It sounded like reconciliation is possible in the future. I don't know how to handle that, if it happens.
That does sound great. The only problem is that her moods and emotions are changing so fast right now that she's confused and doesn't know which way is up. Just proceed cautiously. Been there, done that. It didn't work out well for me. In fact, it felt like I was right back at the origional BD when he pulled that rug out from under me again. I promise you don't want that kind of pain again. You don't realize how much progress you've made until it's taken away from you and you have to start all over. Just be careful.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
When the WASs reach out, I don't know at what point we stop NC and show them the path home? I'm not anywhere near there at this point. Just still hoping. Perhaps I'm being delusional, but it keeps me a bit happier.
I don't have an answer for this one. I wish I did, but I really don't. As soon as my H had second thoughts, I jumped right back in. He didn't even have to work for it. I don't know how you're supposed to tell if they're "temp checking." And, how do you know when to believe them instead of "don't believe anything they say and only 1/2 of what they do?? If you find the answer, share it with me please.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I think its ok to be hopeful when they show you good signs, but make them work for it a little. That doesn't mean doing anything to push them away but be careful not to lay on any pressure or expectations. From what I've seen from my own and other's experiences, it seems like it's pretty common for them to go back and forth. There have been several times I've been almost convinced my H and I had made it to piecing, but it seems every positive step forward is also accompanied by a freak out session that backs things up a little. We are still making forward progress...it's just slow.
So don't just in with both feet...just be positive and accepting and if it's real, they will show you.
During the two months when W was deciding between ow and me, all i did was lay on the pressure. She'd call and say "I can't break up with you; it doesn't feel right." And I'd launch into the million and one reasons why we should be together. it happened over and over and over. And every time, she'd back away again after I did that.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
During the two months when W was deciding between ow and me, all i did was lay on the pressure. She'd call and say "I can't break up with you; it doesn't feel right." And I'd launch into the million and one reasons why we should be together. it happened over and over and over. And every time, she'd back away again after I did that.
NYGal I think we have all done that. It's our natural survival instinct kicking in. She clearly loves you. And you are inspiring me to get back to and do more to better myself during this "gift" of time we have. Since it doesn't feel like a gift at all most days.
You sound kind of down. I hope you feel better soon NYG.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
I just miss her so much. I have to confess, I can't even imagine a future without her. I know I'll find a future, but I don't want to think about it if she's not in it. That's all.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
