Why? Because you are so painfully honest. You express yourself so beautifully, and you are so special.
O.K. It's all good. I hope you understand that I couldn't consider myself your friend if something was nagging at me and I didn't express it. It was just one of those things that I wanted you to think through. You never disappoint, Betsey. You certainly thought it all through, and answered eloquently.
Thanks for taking me seriously enough to put forth all of that effort.
I know that our sitches are so different. I would have crazy-made myself right out of yours months upon months ago. Sometimes I wonder where this "Zen" personality of mine came from. But, of course, maybe it's just a matter of not going through the same version of hell that you do. You're right, I did have a little more to keep me going. But, in all fairness, in my muddled state of mind, I certainly didn't see it.
I always wonder if people really do in fact fall out of love. I've never had the experience, so I just don't know.
With all the honesty, Betsey, I have a confession of my own. What if it is possible? I have such a fear of going through all of this and then wondering why I did. Like, I roped myself into something that I do not want to be roped into. I look at my H, thinning hair and lack of style and all, and I wonder if I will always have "it" for him. I mean, I have given and given and given to this marriage. The pathetic girl that you first met, the one who blamed herself for everything, is gone. I'm not going to continue to take the blame for what happened to my marriage. But, I fought for it mainly because I believe it is what is right for me. I want to see this commitment through. Maybe this is the wrong approach to take. Maybe it should be all for the sake of love. I don't really know.
Are there relationships that are not such "chores?" I don't know that either. Judging by the book, no. The honeymoon period ends for all of us.
So, I chose my H, and I chose to have kids with him. I have to see it through. Am I cheating myself? Maybe, at times. But, maybe not at others. When my sons have their children, and I am standing in unison with the man that brought those sons into the world with me, I think I will breathe a contented sigh at that choice. I like that he has known me since I was a small girl. I like that he has seen me at my worst. Only he knows what I am capable of. I can tell anyone about my crazy life; only he has lived it with me.
I feel too idealistic at this point. I have a bad habit of making things way too simplistic. I'd hate for you to want to shake me and say, "but I wanted those things too...it just didn't work out!"
Trust me, I understand this. I don't fault you. You have fought this fight better than most. Whichever way this goes, I know that it will have come from the very best you had to give.
If in this process you have found that you no longer love Mr. W., and don't think you ever will again, well, I still believe this process worked. Some may say you're a failure at DBing if you don't end up with the big prize, the marriage.
But, I know that you are a success at DBing if you are able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I did what I could, but I have to love ME the most."
I know you can most definately do this.
So can I. And it is true for both of us, even if we take different paths.
So, thank you for understanding my need to cover all bases.
