And trust me, I'm listening to your every word, because I believe I flung some of them at you initially back on VD. I promise not to act on any ASSumptions, okay?
I don't know if I'm making any comparison between Mr. Wonderful and any other source of affirmation. The BB is a great place to get some WOA, as are all the nice messages I get from friends and family. Everyone has been very supportive of my desire to hold out hope in my M.
Right now, I'm just cataloging things. You are right when saying that not doing something for my birthday isn't any indicator of how he's feeling. In fact, if I hold the past to the reality of the present, there isn't a whole lot of difference.
He'd have bought me a present, though. He just never thought to celebrate with me... I believe he brought me a DQ cake 4 years ago at work because he found out in MC a few months before that I was so unhappy at never having a cake.
Point taken. He does things his own way.
But remember our promise to stop the seal routine at some point? I'm closing in on that.
Pam, my M has been in complete shambles for 2 years now. And I have been unhappy in it since 1999. I'm really tired of dealing with an emotionally crippled man and waiting around like some sort of circus freak for him to get the point of this path.
I wish I had found DB or DR way back when...
Interestingly enough, I just had a chat with my sister. She asked how long I plan on living with the complete indifference? I told her until I offer reconciliation until it is no longer an option.
There will HAVE to come a time in the very near future where he is willing to make a decision--either way. He's had one foot out the door for a long time now, Pam.
And unlike your H, I'm really not getting other warm and fuzzies that tell me his actions are preceding the words. As Merrick astutely observed, he wants to dictate the terms of engagement between us: when he wants his family, he comes home. When he doesn't, he leaves.
I've been patient to the point of wondering if I'm a head case. I have allowed that sort of wandering in and out to be acceptable in the vein of letting him fumble his way back in the door to me. But he's still somewhere out there in the yard...
Well, if living apart indefinitely is going to be status quo, why not make it official? And on the other hand, if D is possibly something he wants to avoid, don't you think he should commit to doing something about it?
Surely I could pay the MC enough money to knock a few posts out from under his fence--I just have to hope Briget doesn't bring her post digger over to resurrect them!
After our big chat after my meeting with the investigator, Mr. Wonderful admitted that he has deliberately avoided thinking about me and the miserable state of our M since he left. Remember his comment about being unsure why he felt he had to leave in the first place?
Well, how much longer do I have to endure his deliberate avoidance of the elephant in the living room? I've been an afterthought for a really long time now. It's time for the important stuff to be moved off the back burner onto the hot seat.
I realize that I cannot do this without help. That's why I'm going to keep the standing appointment with our MC going every other Thursday--hoping he will decide it's safe to try again.
But to be candid with all of you, my feeling for this process have changed. I really do not love this man anymore, Pam. If he goes to MC and gives reconciliation an honest effort, I'm going to have to put in a lot of work to decide to love him again.
Sorry if MY post is the downer. I'm really not down in the dumps, ladies and gentlemen. Quite the contrary. A few months ago, this realization would have devastated me. But the fact is that I have been the strong and dependable person in the family for way too long.
He's not looking out for me... it's my job to ensure I take care of myself anyway.
And face it, a crotch grabbing incident and commenting on my rear end is hardly an honest attempt at WOA or even reconciliation.
However, as someone who sees the glass as half full, I will let go and let God. If this M is going to work out, I will honor my end of the bargain to give it everything I have. And I won't quit until I know the fat lady has grabbed the mike.
Do I still get to wear a fugly dress?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
