Lonely Hearts Club V

[- MB -]

I'm really sorry about your Grandmother's passing. I know that had to be a very difficult decision to not go see her, but I'm sure that's how she would have wanted it. She would not have wanted to ever think that she was the reason you got sick while your immunity was down. And, because you didn't see her like that, you can remember her when she was happy and healthy. Don't beat yourself up over that decision because I have no dout that she understood.

I do feel really damaged after having been married to the two men that I have been married to. I intend to work through it and be a better person in the end. I can't believe that I have let 2 men dictate my self worth. The thing is, I would have NEVER gone back to my first H, but I still want to be with my second one. I guess out of the two, he probably hasn't hurt me nearly as much. He actually used to build up my self esteem....until we married. He just changed. I think it's because he had to leave everything to move closer to me so we could be together. I honestly think that's when his resentment for me started. It's sad because we were perfect together before that. Then, trying to blend 2 families together. UGH! It is NOT like the Brady Bunch, I can tell you that for sure.

[Rouky]

Hello my sweetheart, I truly believe that you haven't married the wrong person. I think you married the person that was corresponding at what you were looking for at the time. I think your time with her allowed the both of you to have a lovely son and nothing can take that away from you.

Now you know what you are looking for, and that will bring you closer to your soulmate. Please don't think I'm going crazy as it's something that I can't explain. If my STBXH hadn't cheated on me, I'd have never found this website and never come across you.

If I hadn't been cheated on, I would have never realised that life is beautiful and would have carried on being the victim, and spiral into depression. It's not easy everyday but I'm slowly getting there. I'm not saying I'm happy about it, but my approach on life is changing and I'm starting to enjoy it to its fullest.

Thinking of you and praying for you :-)

[shotgun]

Thank you Rouky. Nothing means more to me than for someone to tell me that they are praying for me. I so admire your strength and your ability to carry on in spite of such pain. Your ability to find positives in all of this is amazing. We have walked this path together but I feel like you are handling it better than I. One thing that I will say is that I am thankful for having come here and had the good fortune to meet you. God only knows what life will bring but you will be in my thoughts until the day I die. I do have moments where I am excited about the future. I just wish that I had more. I think that I will be unable to properly process everything until the divorce is final. I am having moments now where I am upset about the passing of my grandmother. I did everything for her for fifteen years and I think that I have been too sick to properly grieve her death. It has been so much to deal with.

So I will spend the rest of the evening thinking about you Rouky and how pretty you are and how smart and fun! I'm still going to make you awful waffles and serve them to you with hot cocoa some day. I'm thinking that I will get some chickens and start getting my own fresh eggs. Right now I am buying them from a guy at work who raises them. I do eggs pretty well and saute' mushrooms and fry sausage. Maybe I'll make you an omelet. Grilled salmon for lunch with steamed broccoli with cheddar cheese and roasted red potatoes. Probably we'll take a nap and then maybe go for a walk. You have succeeded in making me smile once again and I am so thankful! Don't give up on me and I will keep fighting. God bless you my dear Rouky.

[Rouky]

You are always full of kind words towards me Shotgun, that is what I appreciate about you, despite your situation you always have your hand on your heart. I don't know if I'm doing it better than you, I know I'm still faking it and it gradually is becoming a reality. Going dark/ NC with STBXH isn't bringing him closer, nor was being friendly with him. So now I know for sure that he wanted to leave me but because he did it with his previous partner, this time he couldn't be seen by others doing it again.
I'm gradually reached the acceptance stage. Looking back for the last few years, I haven't been happy and I think that we grew apart. Such is life. I'm not ready to date again but I know one day that special someone will come my way.

I'm sorry you are feeling down because of your grandmother, please don't spiral down. From my point of view there was nothing better you could have done and I'm sure that she wanted you to be healthy and taking care of you while battling cancer. As you told me let God does his work on all of us.

Hope you'll have a good day :-)

[Rouky]

Bonsoir mon cher, how are you? How was your weekend?

[shotgun]

Hola Rouky! I'm sorry that I haven't responded to you. I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. I had to read some of your posts this morning just to get myself moving. You are so amazing and inspirational that I always draw strength from your words. I have struggled a bit with the news that STBXW is taking S13 around OM now. And then she tells me that they aren't in a relationship. S13 has a recital that I will have to be in the same room as XW. The image of her face makes me want to vomit right now. I just do not want to see her. Is that anger?

Don't give up on me Rouky. I'll pick myself up and get out of this funk. I have a couple of GAL activities planned that hopefully will get me going the right direction again. The weather is starting to improve a little here as well and the days are getting longer. I'm sleeping well and my workouts are going great. My body is finally starting to respond in a way that I am used to. I have put on weight and I look fantastic naked! It has been scary to see myself so thin and with bones protruding through my skin. In spite of cramming three to four thousand calories down my throat every day I was just not gaining any weight. Now that I am I am starting to eat more healthy. Trying to eat the right foods and doing the right things. Also my patience is returning somewhat. I have been the most patient person for my whole life and not having any for the last year has been frustrating.

OK Rouky I have stopped my whining! Tell me how your week has been so far and what exciting things you will do this weekend. Are you going dancing or meeting with some exciting people? If I can see you having fun it will encourage me to do something with myself. I'm trying to find a place to watch The Super Bowl. Wish you could watch it with me. I'll bet that you have some amazing finger food that would go perfectly with watching a game. If I am alone I will warm up some cheese sticks and will have shrimp cocktail. Of course if you were here I would do something more impressive! Te amo Rouky.

[Rouky]

Not a chance to get rid of me. I'm afraid you are stuck :-). I perfectly understand how hurtful it must be to learn that your son met OM. I'm dreading when it'll happen for my kids, and I know it'll hurt like hell. With everything that is happening to me (mainly with my parents), I really don't care what he does. He has chosen his path, now he has to walk it.

For too long I have put everyone before myself, as I'm kind and carying but to my expense. I pleased everyone but me. One thing DB has taught me is that we all have a choice in what we do, and I'm trying to make my choice on what's making me happy not STBXH. I try to do my best and see what the best choice is for my kids and I.

We all have ups and down, and I think it'll take a while for us to get back to ourself. We have been it with a huge blown and we need to recover from it. Rome hasn't been built in one day :-).
I know you don't want to see W, so do you need to sit next to or near her for the recital. I hope it goes well. You are a very strong person. At the end of the day we are only human. Take each day as it comes and as we are getting towards the best days, enjoy each bit of sun you can get and smell the fresh outdoor air.

Thinking of you and praying for you, mon amour :-)

[shotgun]

Ugh. Huge fight on the phone. Did get a few things off of my chest and feel much better having done that. Funny that she sees no wrong in leaving a guy fighting cancer. It does say something about her though. There is a reason why I have not wanted to speak with her on the phone and my worst fears played out. I know that I can only speak to her through text because it takes a lot of the emotion out of it. I just want this nightmare to end. Will it ever? I have to get over this because it is affecting my son. He needs to see me enjoying life and fighting to get healthy. Physically as well as mentally. Perhaps this is a tipping point for me and the pendulum is going to go back in the other direction. Have a good day all and say a prayer for me.

[Rouky]

So sorry to hear about your argument with W, at least you have been able to let the pressure cooker explode before it starts to destroy you from the inside. As you said it does say a lot about her and her values. Know that there is someone out there watching over you, and guiding you through this.

Even if I'm no longer a regular here, I always have a thought for you every day and wondering how you are doing. It's not an easy situation, try to enjoy every minute of your day.

I woke up happy just by hearing birds tweeting, whereas last year I hated it because it was too early. Can't believe the difference between last year and now! I bet in a couple of years time, the two of us will look back and think: "yep! It was blooming hard but we survived it and I'd trade my life now for the world"!

It'll take time but we will get through this :-)

[shotgun]

Hello everybody! I feel much better today. It takes me some time to process certain emotions and I have had an emotional few weeks. I feel as if I have turned the corner though. I feel really good about Having told my STBXW what I think of her. I guess I had not been able to process my feelings about her affair and her leaving me for dead to fend for myself. I guess I just had to get it off of my chest. It was the first time in sixteen years that I have raised my voice to her and the first time in my life having ever cursed someone. And truthfully it felt really good! Maybe it's what I needed to do in order to move on.

Rouky it is your thoughts and prayers for me that will save me. I do feel your strength in your words and I strive to be as courageous as you. I hope that you sleep well and have a wonderful weekend. Bonsoir Rouky!