I just re-read that entire thread. Wow. I'm glad I documented everything, it is hard to believe that so much can happen in such a short amount of time. And that I am still standing up! This has definitely taken a toll on my physical health, though.
Thank you to all the posters who wrote such caring, thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it.
I wanted to sum up where we are and what I feel has worked, and not worked, to the benefit of other posters. Obviously, it's been a roller-coaster and I don't know for sure that we're slowing down, but I'm hopeful - as always.
At this point, H seems to be putting in a real effort. Some of the behavior from his end that contributed to our problems, is much less frequent. He is doing some of the things that I have said are important to me. He seems warmer, and firm in his commitment to working on the M. This is what I notice about 50% of the time.
The other 50% of the time, I sense underlying anger/coldness toward me, frustration over not feeling heard or considered/respected, a need for total independence, and some expressed doubts about the future of our M.
However, this is improvement. Really great improvement, compared to where we were a year ago.
On my end, I DB about 50% of the time and fail at it about 50% of the time. Examples of the first is when I validate and support H about non-R issues, express positive feelings towards him in his LL, meet his needs, avoid R talks, keep things brief, don't complain or criticize (I have definitely improved greatly on the criticizing).
I fail at DBing when I pursue R talks, ask for my needs to be met, continue to R talk and press harder for my needs to be met.
Also, it has worked well for me to be very firm and strong on defending my legal rights if H were to leave me for OW. Refusing to leave the home or M bedroom. Being clear that what I want (when H asks) is to save our M, but that I will survive if it doesn't, and that he is of course free to leave if that is what he feels he must.
This is what I see when I look back and analyze what has worked and what's not working.
Emotionally, I go back and forth between feeling hopeful, angry, and defeated at a 50/30/20 ratio.
Marriage isn't for sissies!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
