The payment is due Friday. And the conversation was last Monday. I don't really need her to pay her half before it's due, so I can wait. But how long? (BTW I hadn't read all the posts above so I didn't realize you had already responded, Wonka. :-) )
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Oh, and I never did send the email about the annuity after all... so I still don't have anything in writing.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
The payment is due Friday. And the conversation was last Monday. I don't really need her to pay her half before it's due, so I can wait. But how long? (BTW I hadn't read all the posts above so I didn't realize you had already responded, Wonka. :-) )
Here's a suggested solution:
Pay the entire bill yourself (if able to do so) and then contact W later asking for her portion.
The important thing is that we don't want W to associate opening up to you emotionally and being vulnerable with the knowledge that she'll get slammed with $$ requests right after. That would shut down W fast!
Wonka Question for you. You seem to be a little different with the DB stuff. You actually seem to encourage interactions and help navigate them better. I feel others almost say avoid everything but responses and then be quick. Do you assess the situation then decide that it is there something different?
I feel that in some cases the was may just not be the one to initiate some stuff, does that mean we don't either?
I am very curious in my situation I guess
Thanks
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
OK, I'll wait and see if she contacts me this week about it. She just walked by my window, and I didn't catch her looking up. I'll try not to read anything into that, of course. Thanks, Wonka.
Is there anything else I can do to continue the positive interaction? After our talk last Monday, we actually flirted a little by text. I saw her walking by Thursday evening as she was headed home. She looked up but I didn't really catch her eye. I texted: "I saw you!" And she replied, "Sorry, I didn't mean to stalk. (big smiley face.)" 20 minutes later I sent a red cheeked (embarrassed smiley face) back. She called immediately, and said, "I guess I WAS stalking you." And I said, "I can't say I'm offended by that!" Then it was more house questions. And then she called Friday with another house question. No flirting. Then that night was the game. I have no idea what she thought. Or if ow told her I gave her the evil eye. I guess I should just wait. As a good DBer I'm not allowed to do temperature testing am I?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
It's great to come here and see some positive things happening for you NYGal. I know you were down and questioning the process as I'm sure a lot of us here have. Now to see some positive results must be a great feeling!
I have to say tho. TxHubby you brought me down a bit. I avoid so many threads here because after reading the first post I know the marriage is DOA and just don't have the heart to tell the person it's over, move on. After reading that I realized you have never posted on my thread. 😔 fortunately NYGal has given me renewed hope.
And Wonka's advice on the money sitch makes sense to me. I'm in the same boat with W owing me. Timing is tough but crucial.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
When DBing correctly, it is dependent on several factors. The factors to take into consideration are:
1-How the break-up/split was initiated? 2-Living situation 3-Mindset of the WAS 4-Emotional landscape of both parties
I advocate for positive interactions whenever possible because it plants seeds in the WAS' mind that their (LBS) side is waaaay better than the OW/OM/stale hotel room/or whatchamacallit.
It neigh impossible to avoid interactions ALL the time. However, timing and pace are the key. Take for instance NYG's case, her W "kicked" her out and was awful about it. So in that stage, it is critically important that the LBS go dark because you don't want to be a doormat and act like some stupid ass puppy going for seconds, thirds, fourths...to be kicked over and over. How silly is that?! And it does not do anyone's self-respect any favors at all.
The most valuable thing a LBS person can posses throughout DBing is self-respect. That is very difficult for many, many newbies because they operate out of fear. For me, with time and space since I've joined DB, one valuable piece of asset that I have learned is that self-respect is MINE to own. I can tell you right now that if Ms. Wonka were to call me up tomorrow and want to come back to me....I can be certain taht I will lay out the conditions in a 'take it or leave it' talk. Because I respect myself too much to give away my values or try to be 'flexible' just to please the other person.
What an awakening for me...wow.
Back to your question, I think the true answer lies in the timing aspect of it all.
When there's been a long emotional discussion(s) about the R, it very reasonable and loving to pull back and allow the other person to process the information/emotion. The trouble with this that many newbies have is that they are OVERJOYED that there's a R talk and they want more and more so they find ways to instigate more contact be it invitations, strategically crossing paths, etc. Yes, you guessed it. These actions have the opposite effect.
I always say this: which do you prefer...vinegar or honey?
That is DBing in a nutshell.
It requires nuanced awareness along with a deft touch. When the WASses are confused, then it is not the time to do cartwheels. The time to do cartwheels and fireworks is when they are more clear headed and the OW/OM is fading into the background. This is where many are able to DB successfully and then ride off into the sunset which is why you do not see many of them hanging around here to answer to NYG's wail earlier.
Hope this helps. If not, then let me know and I will try to answer in the best way I can.
You ask good questions. Let's go through them together with the aim of understanding how it all ties with DBing...ok?
Is there anything else I can do to continue the positive interaction?
You're doing pretty good there. Your biggest problem is that you are looking for ways to bump into W thus drawing her into more talk. Let it be. There's no timeline. No urgent deadlines. If you look at the ocean, you'll see there's high and low tides. Ebb and flow. Same thing with interactions. Most especially after intense and emotional discussions like you had recently.
I saw her walking by Thursday evening as she was headed home. She looked up but I didn't really catch her eye. I texted: "I saw you!"
You are too eager to initiate any contact with W. Too eager. Too available. Let it be.
As a good DBer I'm not allowed to do temperature testing am I?
Let me ask you this. How do you think that temp checking would be helpful to YOU? What are the true underlying reasons for them?
NYG - Honestly, I think that your interactions are universally positive in tone. My concern is more the frequency. It seems like you think that you're in the early stages of dating. But I don't think that's where you want to be. You planted some seeds. Now it's time to let them grow. W just told you she misses you...so why go around looking for ways to push her to more interactions.
I want to ask you this. And I hope you aren't upset or offended.
Are you comfortable hanging around as W's "Plan B"?
In all of that talk you outlined, I heard sadness...but not remorse. She's sorry for lying, she's sorry you got hurt. But she didn't seem sorry to be with OW.
