Wow, I'm sorry I've given everyone the impression that I'm taking action and starting this ball rolling at the moment. I'm not! Let the Easter parade begin instead...
I'm still heading back to MC, as planned, and hoping that he will feel as though we deserve a fighting chance to work things out.
IF he doesn't elect to join me in the next few months, it will help me get to the point where I am content and ready to make a move--whatever that move may be.
I'm just at the point of gaining clarity on the truth of things. Finally understanding that we are no longer operating on the baby step theory, because he has been walking in place for several years now.
The point of DB, at least for me, was to acknowledge my contributions to the demise in our M and make changes that I knew were sore spots in his eyes. Those glaring faults were: my bad temper, my controlling words and behaviors, my unwillingness to let him voice his displeasure without defending myself (or attacking him in retaliation), and of course my crazymaking.
I have worked REALLY hard to overcome those character defects. Face it, I will never be cured of a few of them, but I work at them daily. And I pray to God for help each and every day.
He's made some gains himself. Those positives are: being more honest with me about how he feels (not showing that passive-aggressive side of himself as often), acknowledging when he's setting me up (this is a real big one), being available to the girls more and making an honest attempt to make better choices. I recognize that he has made some changes, but many of them have been a direct result of me changing my behaviors and actions first--therefore, changing the dynamics between the 2 of us.
If anyone had an inclination to move, it would be me. I've tossed around the idea of moving back home to VA to be around family who can help me. His boyhood home was MT, and he has no desire to move closer to family or friends. He loves Colorado and this is where he will stay.
For the record, I love Colorado too. I don't want to move anywhere... at least for the time being.
As far as our daughters go, we have been able to maintain a modicum of congeniality and cooperation where they are concerned. They have always taken first priority over everything before, during and after our separation.
As far as D7 goes, we have a special needs trust established for her. The court will make sure that we both take care of her using that vehicle. I'm not worried about that.
I sleep well, friend. Well, last night D7 gave me a few kicks in my back that kept me awake for awhile, but otherwise, I have no issues. I look myself in the eye every morning and know that I have not been unfair, unreasonable or unkind to him. I feel good about what is in my heart and soul.
I think I've given him the benefit of the doubt more often than not. And when there is a pickle and I have to choose between what I want or think and what might be the truth, I err on the side of caution and concede to him. I don't think I could be any more fair to him and the girls than I already am.
At some point, my life is going to have to include my own wants, needs and desires--things I've postponed in the interest of the family. But at some point, someone is going to have to make the first move.
You can't just stare at a chessboard without making a move indefinitely. So far, all we've moved and lost are the pawns... expendable little pieces they are. But it's time to start moving the rooks and knights in the hopes of getting to the check and checkmate positions. Right?
I've been playing this same chess game for almost 2 years. Actually, I think I've been in the game but unknowingly for more than that... but since I didn't realize I was playing until October 2002, I'll be fair.
No decisions are forthcoming right now. I'm hanging out on the other end of the fence just waiting to see which side has the best lawn for me...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
