Flight's Thread #2

[Flight]

I hate that expression, "take the high road", but maybe that is what applies here. Maybe I have something to learn about why I feel there needs to be "justice" and people shouldn't be able to get away with destroying a family.

I could look at it, and pretty accurately too, that my best revenge would be to let him have her and then just watch the show for when he sees the real her. And visa versa, since he showed signs very early of having a temper, being a stalker, and being very needy, lack of character, etc.

I don't want to help her, but I do have to face that if she wants a separation, I should not hinder it. Strange thing is she still wants to abandon her plans if I would agree to us staying in the house and co-parenting. I have to stand up against that. I just can't do it. I can't be the spouse that looks the other way and waits. I can't show that as an example of a relationship to my D.

I keep working through what is in the best interest of my child and me, financially and emotionally. I can't keep her here and don't want to. I don't want to live with her disrespect. I guess I have been afraid of what seemed like finality if she actually makes a 30 year committment on her own house. That is a bit different than going to her mother's or living in an apartment or even moving in with him.

And the unspoken thing in all of this is, if there was no EA, would I have ever been content with her? The entitled world view that allowed her to have an affair, was always there. It was always all about her. I wanted another chance to be a better man and husband myself, and by taking that out of the equations, see what kind of relationship we would have had. But the real question is, should I even be thinking I want to save the marriage or should I be thankful this forced my hand to eliminate her from my life? It is easy to want what you are losing without asking if it is something that is even healthy for you to have in your life in the first place. For me to ever reconcile with her, she would have to really have had an epiphany and a change in her world view.

[shreeve]

Trying to get to that phase currently with counseling / support group. The emotions initially make me want to save the marriage no matter what, but the counseling gives me clarity about the work / changes in both of us that would have to occur. Than the question comes up about how much do I believe in her making these major changes? Seeing through the fog etc.

Not trying to hijack Flight, but is this the "continuation" of the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" thread?? There was no link at the end of it for a new thread besides this one. Really interested in tagging along on your progress here, as well as sandi2's (and other's) input.

[Flight]

No, I only have the two threads. I guess all of our situations are so similar.

[Flight]

Had a talk today. She was basically testing me to see if I would agree to the in house "friends" situation with us both being free to do whatever we wanted. In other words, she gets to see him out in the open. If not, then she was going to get a place right away. I know that some people have adopted a "standing" approach where they look the other way and see if the A burns out, but that seems so demeaning. And Sandi, if woman needs to respect to fall back in love, I don't see how she could respect a man who would do that. Am I right?

She hinted that though she doesn't see MR as a possibility now, once she left she KNOWS she would never come back. Yeah, I know, don't believe anything they say... Temp checking? Manipulation?

[sandi2]

Shreeve, I posted the five links on the last page of Sandi's 37 Rules. The thread you are talking about, currently has no continuation.

[Flight]

It is time to face the fears. Dropping the rope and hope to have her out in the next few weeks.

[Flight]

Nothing is more true that "believe nothing that they say". The whole re-inventing of our relationship history and the cruelty followed by sweetness is pretty hard to deal with. You never know whether the tears and the opening up are real or just a manipulation to get what they want.

I thought we had a deal where she would leave and I could begin to heal, but now we are at a stalemate. I may have to involve an attorney at yet more expense to argue the separation agreement.

Still, and it almost makes me feel angry at myself, I have feelings for her and the hope that either when the reality hits, or once she buys her own place and sees things are not so great comparing what she left to what she is getting in life, she might let the fog lift.

[gs9]

hot and cold. Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. it's hard to handle. Never sure whats coming next. It sure is a roller coaster but you will make it through

[Flight]

It is hard trying to figure out why if she wants out so badly, she doesn't just go. The other day she said she wasn't in a hurry because she could wait for me to buy her out. Then she was out a few days later looking at places. I could leave, but I am just not going to do that. She has turned my life upside down enough, I don't need to lose every single thing I know and have to start over. I want the continuity of the house for myself and my child.

On the one hand, our interactions, while limited, are pleasant now. I still think she has to go. The only hope for reconcilation is for her to find through consequences what her life will be like without the family she said she craved. And if she doesn't change her mind, then I will be in a better place to be moving on.

[shreeve]

Still following this Flight. I'm hoping I can last as long as you and some of the others as far as keeping the love in my heart for my WW. Seeing the same inconsistencies every time I see her. Cold / indifferent then sweet / caring. It's so weird. Is it possible MLC / Menopause stuff going on? Our wives are very close in age, was just curious.