Wife is in love with another man

[shreeve]

Thanks trumpet! That was kind of my suspicion, but of course we'll never know for sure. Just seems odd that she's so concerned that I move on romantically. She's even suggested some mutual friends that I should date!! Figured it was something that would make her feel better about affair. I explained that my divorce support group and counselor have suggested it will take 2 years before I am mentally and emotionally ready to date. She quickly tried to justify that that doesn't apply to us?? Similar to her irrational logic about why she doesn't have to stand by her vows to me. Yes, it has shocked me and our friends / family. She kept the affair part secret from everyone of course, only explaining how unhappy and out of love she was with me. After I found out about affair, she admitted the affair to her mom. So yes, the woman I knew and loved had character and morals that would have lead most friends / family to believe that this is something that would not have been possible. I'm definitely not burning bridges with her, although I have been NC and only speak with her if she initiates. Also not letting her hang around for chit chat when we drop off / pick up the dogs. Still always very cordial but just get the process done quickly so I can get back to GAL.

[shreeve]

Pretty sure I blew it this morning We were unsure of when my wife would start her job, but they called her in this morning for 2 cases, and she called me on the way to work to tell me. As I was helping her through med school, she would typically call each day on the way home from clinical work, not sure if she's doing it out of habit now or what. I was supportive and told her she was going to do great, and congratulated her on finally starting the career after all of her hard work. So, that was probably way more than I should have offered, but then I go on...I told her I was sorry for not knowing when I had my "last" chance and did a little relationship talk. I know I was supposed to be short / brief / courteous, and I really really tried! So, not how far this set me back, I know she's still in love with the OM and still looking forward to her fairy tale love / romance with him. I know I should be angry over the betrayal / disrespect, but can't seem to get there. Oh well, have support group and counseling this week, hopefully it will keep me moving in the right direction for getting my head / emotions right. Could sure use some patience right now I guess.

[Zues126]

What would you do differently if you were in that situation again?

[shreeve]

Well, I feel like I should have been kind and gracious but cut the call short and got back to work (you're referring to the call and not the marriage right??) I just look at all the posts / situations on the boards and see so few reconciliations, and the saved marriages I do see seem to take a year or more. I saw one last week that was 11 months, but it was from 2209 or 2006. His wife fell head over heels in love with another man and was back with him 11 months later. I have to stick to my DR and message board advice, and not offer her that comfort of calling me for encouragement / support one the way to and from work. I'm never going to get to sleeping / focusing at work until I accept reality and move on.

[sandi2]

Zues, I have spent the last few days reading over the advice from Sandi2 about the LBS with WW. It's been incredibly eye opening. I cannot find where a new thread was started after the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" ended. Is that conversation continued somewhere?

Hi Shreeve, I believe that was the last of 5 threads. I posted the five links in Sandi's 37 Rules thread on the last page.

[trumpet]

Shreeve,

Hang in there.

You didn't make a grave mistake - you're emotional, and it happens. Learn from it, regroup, and keep detaching.

What you have posted is similar to so many of us. My sitch has a WW who is trying to put things back together, but even knowing that what she's doing is wrong, she often shows that she can't, and won't, accept what she has done. It just isn't capable when they are in love with OM.

Shreeve, your wife is giving you TIME. Yes, it might take months or years. You might get divorced. You can't control her, you never could. Take the time, look deep, deep, deep within yourself. What do you like? What do you need to throw out? What needs exercise? Brain? Body? New experiences? New job? New skills?

Take this time. Use your time wisely. Keep posting - many find it helpful to journal and express what can't be expressed to others here. It really does help. So, so many are following you - more than you realize. Sandi is an awesome ally. Keep posting!

[shreeve]

Zues, I have spent the last few days reading over the advice from Sandi2 about the LBS with WW. It's been incredibly eye opening. I cannot find where a new thread was started after the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" ended. Is that conversation continued somewhere?

Hi Shreeve, I believe that was the last of 5 threads. I posted the five links in Sandi's 37 Rules thread on the last page.

Thanks Sandi, it took me a few days reading through them, and seemed like they new threads stopped short of current day / time. I go so much from that thread!! I'll keep up with the others, several situations like mine here. Thanks for letting me know. Your threads / rules have been sooooo helpful!!

[shreeve]

Trumpet, thank you thank you thank you! That is so wonderful to hear. I have been starting to use this board as my journal (in addition to my actual journal). Why is it so darn heard to resist talking to my wife when she calls??? I did so good when she picked up the dogs, kindly rushed her out for the weekend / no hugs / touching / minimal eye contact. I can sense the coldness in her heart. Why the hell would I say those things this morning? She doesn't care, and is love with some guy. What's worse, is she tells me "thank you for telling me that, I appreciate you letting me know how your doing." Of course, there is that rule....Believe none of what she says. I'll try to do better next time. She'll probably want to call with an update on her fist day at work (it's what we've both worked for the last 2.5 years). I can't help but feel some sense of accomplishment as I was a big part in her achievement and feel proud of her. I'll get back to being polite / getting off the phone as quick as possible.

[trumpet]

shreeve,

Being happy for her is being 'neighborly'.

You are keeping a bridge built - 'keep the road home paved smooth'... some would say smooth, I'm just for keeping the road a road - don't worry about the pavement.

If she shares, great, if she doesn't, DON'T ASK. It's her thing now, not yours. Yes, you worked WITH her to get to her goals, but she needs to feel like she did this on her own. You're putting her first. That's how a marriage works. And if the EA/PA is going on, when things go bad, she'll remember you for what you do NOW to keep the road/bridge open. No need for dynamite yet!

[shreeve]

Thank you for that, makes me feel better about congratulating her and feeling so proud. She has thanked me for how positive and encouraging I have been when she called stressed about work / getting her license etc. Still in love with OM, so will try to keep as much NC as possible. I do let her initiate all contact 99% of the time