I could NEVER be offended by your post. It was honest and caring. And that's what matters the most.
I'm going to attempt to make a weak explanation on my life as it stands right now. The only confusion I feel right now is about the path that I will ultimately take. Otherwise, my head and heart are completely intact and not as scattered as I may seem.
The reason I avoided talking to him last week was because I really did not want to be down. I had the chance to get away with the girls and see people I haven't seen in a really long time, and I wanted to enjoy being with them.
Mr. W. has a tendency to tell me stuff I don't want to hear when I'm not in town. Wow, I just realized this! Maybe he feels better about being honest with me when he knows he won't see me for a few days... guilt? remorse? fear? I dunno.
I wasn't avoiding him just to make a point or to just plain avoid him. It was a means to keep my attitude and emotions in check. He did become the subject of conversation numerous times, and one of them I burst into tears. My cousin and his wife just sat there and hugged me while I finished. (I love them both.)
Pam, the person you see here is the person I've always been. I was not voted class clown, but I'm sure if I hadn't been so shy back then, I might have been a contender.
Mr. Wonderful fell in love with the me you see here. But you've now brought a few things to light, and I should probably address them. Two years ago, we spent my 40th birthday back in California--with the friends who have been part of his life for the past 20 years and my friends since I've known him.
After they found out we had split, a couple of his really good friends came forward. They had noticed some changes in him that they didn't like and were concerned for me (the drinking being #1). Two of them told me on separate occasions that it was very clear to them that he was the wind beneath my wings...
That is, my personality is one that can easily take center stage. I know enough about myself to know that I don't act self serving--it's usually in the capacity to bring people together with humor. It's a childhood role that has carried forward to now, and I like that part of myself.
Anyway, they seemed to be concerned that he had maybe chosen me for those attributes and then felt that he couldn't compete with me? I don't know. I've always been one who speaks well about him in the company of friends and discuss his projects and accomplishments in a glowing light. We are just different people. I like the differences between me and others--it makes life interesting.
And if you think I have attention here, my personal life is full of it. I am a good friend and devote a lot of energy keeping up with family members and friends. And that includes some of his family members. I do it because I value others. In turn, they value me.
Side note: When we got to my mom's house, the phone started ringing off the hook. D10 sighed and said, "Gram, why does it keep ringing?" My mom just smiled and said, "Honey, when your mom comes home, people love to see her. You forget that this is her childhood home--she has lots of people who really love her here. Just accept that."
It used to really bug me that I couldn't have 10 minutes to myself when going home. In fact, it's exhausting. But the fact is I would much rather have my life this way than not having anyone in it.
For the few years prior to his exit, Mr. W. used to get pissed when I'd return a call to a friend or devote a half hour to writing a letter... I found this perturbing, because he was usually outside sulking with his beer and playing with his moustache. Avoiding me. So why did it piss him off that I was doing something important to me?
Ach well, I will probably never know.
My point? The person you see here is just a written side of my physical self. It's almost always present. I've had to subdue it around him because it seemed to piss him off more than it helped our sitch. So the person I usually am around him is a modified version of my normal self... though I do joke around with him and listen to what he's saying.
Remember, he still thinks of me as his best friend. That means that I'm the only one he tells stuff to. I have become really good at listening to him and validating him as well as ask questions. He rarely asks me anything personal about myself. Sometimes I just exuberantly volunteer information. Most of the time, I get a weak smile and a comment, "That's nice."
BTW, I did chat with him yesterday (while rebooting my PC). I specifically addressed his comment about me not wanting to talk to him. I apologized for how that seemed, but let him know that talking to him while in VA was just too hard. He said he understood. I let him know that I wasn't deliberately trying to be a witch, but that I had my limits and while out of town, that one had to be present for my own sanity. Again, he said he understood.
He then apologized for making the comment and assuming something that wasn't wholly true.
Pam, I'm really tired of him. I don't enjoy being around him anymore. He's not fun or funny, and I don't find anything remotely interesting in the subject of HIM 100% of the time. It's a boring story to me now.
My mind isn't made up, though. I still hold out hope that maybe he will find some reason to come swing the bat and get back into the game when he sees he can still hit the ball and run bases. But if his true desire is to continue to be a spectator, I'm going to take my game on the road. I can only stand alone in the infield for so long before I realize that this game is rained out... permanently.
The time to discuss what he wants and his fears and desires is with the help of the MC. He is fully aware that my 1st appt with MC is next Thursday evening, and he has declined to attend with me. That's the best place and opportunity to discuss what he really wants and needs from me... if he really wants and needs anything from me at this point.
This post is not meant to be a maudlin pity party--far from it. I'm in a great mood and my PMA is really good today.
But I'm afraid that I really have to get to work. It's waiting in a pile for me as I write!
Hugs to my bride-to-be. I don't mind fugly dresses...
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
