I'm around. I'm OK. Thanks everyone for your concern and your advice. I'm just thinking.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi NYGal. How was your day yesterday? I had to work last night (still at work now) so I have't had a chance to check in until now. I hope you're feeling a little better. I really hate those bad days. Really, really hate them. I miss talking to you though. And now, Rain is quiet as well. Wish I could give you guys both a big hug! Instead, I will say a prayer for you.....
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Here are the details from last Monday's interaction when W came to my office to talk. I shared only a little, and the advice was pretty much all the same: continued NC and GAL. But at what point does it make sense to have another conversation, and discuss this? Wait for her? Or can I reach out at some point?
She started the conversation by saying she's made so many mistakes.
We talked about how I move faster than she does, and she said her family's glacier pace (at making decisions, purchases, etc.) drives her sisters-in-law crazy too. Wants to start therapy and really look at herself. Apologized profusely. Said she needs more time alone. I said I do, too. She said there's no energy in the house and she misses me and the dogs.
She bought a bird feeder and birdseed and it made her realize all I did for her/us. She said she wanted to be a part of the process. I agreed and said I always thought I was just trying to save her the trouble of the process so she could enjoy the finished product. But she wants to be part of the process, and I said I see that now.
She doesn't want people to talk about us, and I said I'm telling people that we're not together now, but that's all.
I cried a little because I couldn't help it. She had tears in her eyes, too.
I said we both need time to focus on us, and that our relationship is over. She said, do you think it's over for good? I said, I don't know, I mean the old relationship. She laughed and looked relieved.
She said, I know we're not supposed to talk to each other, but I'm glad I came by. I said, I don't know what the rules are. there are no rules. Let's just keep working on ourselves and keep moving forward.
She said I must be angry with her and I didn't say anything -- but I didn't deny it. I think I nodded my head a little.
When she said she must be the laughingstock of the county I said, I don't know what people think. I don't want people to know anything more. And she said she doesn't really care what people think, that other people shouldn't decide our relationship. That's when she said she feels manipulated. (But not by me.) She thinks people are gossiping, and I said I don't want people to know anything. I said that when our friend asked why it happened and was there anyone else, I just said, I don't know. You'll have to ask W. Which is true.(I don't want to make the A any more real than it is.)
She apologized for the deception and the lies, and said that's her motivation for trying to understand why this happened. She says she's ready to really look at herself and wants to see an IC.
She mentioned that I've always been loyal to her.
She said I'm strong. I sort of laughed and said I don't feel strong. She said it again. I said I'm using this time to work on myself and just keep the focus on growing and learning.
She said there's no energy in the house and that now she finally realizes all I did to make it a home. She said it just feels so different when she drives in the garage. She misses having the dogs come to greet her, and me in the kitchen making dinner. I said something about what I miss, too.
She said something about people saying it's not about the other person. I said, yeah it's about us. I sort of waved my hand when I said it's not about HER (the OW) as though I was just dismissing her. She was very mea culpa, mea culpa, said none of it was my fault. I said that I know I played a role, and that I'm looking at that and trying to grow from this.
We hugged a couple of times. I kept noticing her beautiful blue eyes. Darn, I didn't have any eye makeup on.
So, bottom line the takeaway message is we are both taking time, don't know what the future holds. More: she noticed I'm wearing her scarf. I wasn't sure it was hers when I took it. She said it looks good and to keep wearing it.
It's true she didn't say anything directly about us getting back together. And I don't know if she's still with W or not. (Her statement about needing more time alone could mean anything.)
Is this a time to maybe invite her to do something non-threatening? Or do I just still lay low? I'm sure most or all will say lay low. But at what point can I take another step, so I can begin to show her new and improved NYGal? (LOL, I know I have a ways to go.)
I will push the Submit button with great fear and trepidation. Please be gentle with me, Azzork especially, if you need to tell me I'm doing this all wrong.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Re: "I said we both need time to focus on us" I meant ourselves, individually.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Re: "And I don't know if she's still with W or not. (Her statement about needing more time alone could mean anything.)" I meant I don't know if she's still with ow or not. Jeez, I miss the edit button.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I think this conversation was a great start, NYGal, and you handled it wonderfully. I vote for keeping on with what you're doing (it seems to be working!) and just taking it slow. Don't push anything and let her be the one to bring up R if it's going to happen (you don't want to scare her off), but I think you have great reasons to be hopeful.
I have to send W information on money she owes on our joint credit card. I'm so paranoid about what I say these days. What do you think? This will be the first time I've initiated an email to her in weeks. The statement will be an attachment. Here are the email possibilities: 1)You can leave a check in my bike bag. 2)You can just leave a check in my bike bag. 3) You can leave a check in my bike bag if you want. 4) Please leave the check in my bike bag. 5) Please come up to my office for a visit so I can see you when you give me the check and we can have another relationship talk and maybe talk about reconciliation, pretty please?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wish I could give you guys both a big hug! Instead, I will say a prayer for you.....