Thank you M, the dog is doing well... Ya know for a 12 year old blind old dog. It's funny I've been couch camping for a bit as I just do not want to share a bed with anyone who does not want me in it/ or the marriage and that dog, as loyal as ever sleeps next to me regardless of where I am and he can't even see me.
Sotto
Yeah, you are right ... Hindsight and all that I did have expectations and seemed to drink the koolaide thinking I was out of the woods... Did not realize it's most likely years away from that and to be honest there are no guarantees there will be a M left if she emerges. So yeah even if they come home it's far from over in fact it's even harder
Was not sure I was going to even post anything this week (my usual update) but sitting around reading a bit figured I would atleast put down some things if nothing more than to continue a trail of breadcrumbs.
Ws crisis continues (Shocker right?...lol), and it continues to confuse the heck out of me. One night she is talking D (once she lands full time employment) then the next morning it’s a tight hug/feet on toes. I continue to focus on big picture stuff and stay on center as best I can. I typically ride the Harley to the gig on Friday nights, the past few weeks W seems surprised I am riding and pleads that I be careful almost like she cares. I worked my gig and got something in my eyes, both infected as I woke up Saturday morning … W wanted me to go to the hospital to which I told her I would be fine … she ended up leaving to her hair appointment. S has been a bit sick so we took it easy, ended up sneaking out grabbing some lunch and went to see the Kung Fu Panda3 movie… amazing father/son type movie. We came back home W was already back. Ok … more testing from her as earlier she told me she needed to go out and get a jacket for interviews later Saturday, I told her she should just go ahead and go after her hair appointment, she seemed pretty adamant that she had to leave around 4. I have no idea what she did nor where she went but predictable she did not find a jacket she liked, or would pay for. I fought the spin a bit… can not prove anything one way or another so I have just accepted I do not trust her and left it at that, it bugs but not on a level 10 like in the old days.
Sunday woke up early and walked the dog, then went to church alone as W was preparing to get ready for Ss birthday party. I have been asking God a good deal of questions as of late and thus far every answer has been perseverance, patience and the like … to stay put and not move. Its very hard not to press one way or the other for me but I have been holding it down for now. At church (Ironically the scripture was the famous Corinthians 13:4-8) the priest recognized a couple who were there celebrating their 60th … yes 60th, anniversary. I thought .. wow … one thing to live that long, quite the other to not have killed off a spouse. Then my eyes which have been all infected began to well up a bit as I realized 3-4 pews worth of this couples legacy sat and celebrated with them. Children, Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren all witness to this monumental achievement and I thought what a wonderful gift to share with your family as to how a marriage should be. I felt a mixture of amazement and jealousy all at once, hard to explain but it stirred up some powerful emotions and I spent the remainder of the mass meditating on what it was God has been teaching me these past few years. Again … hold true, stay the course and be the rock/lighthouse.
I arrived home and W asked me how was mass, in replied in one word …”Powerful” she then wanted to know so I shared a bit careful not to go to overboard, nor to sound ‘preachy’. After we got ready and went to S’s Birthday party and had a great time. W and I both took turns with the kids in the Lazertag rounds and had a good time. The rain hit and I took all the gifts/leftovers and put them in the car. We loaded in and began driving home, talked about food and decided to stop off so we did not have to cook. As I am driving W points to turn … however its faster to go straight then turn . SMH .. always about control with her she asks for me to drive but she has to be in control of how we get there (I still think this all stems from respect lost along the course of the M and my attempts to regain this … might be a source for future self thought for me, is there an issue here for me or not?) , we have fought about this before, this time was no different and she was quick to say “This is why I am done with this marriage” to my replay … “Sorry you feel that way but if that’s the reason as I have said before I will not stop you from filing”…. Its irking me she is so fast to pull the D-eject handle these days.
Later that night we had another refresher mini R talk where she again reminded me that we are only living together till she finds full time work, dropped a few things that stuck out like she has not been a good wife for me (guilt I assume) along with a few “If we get divorced” not “when” …. And ended with asking me if I thought this decision was easy for her, she even brought up the fact she could not divorce me previously (Something I asked her about a few weeks ago). I reaffirmed its not what I want, but I also do not want ‘this’ current place but if she chose to simply throw me away there was little I could honestly do about that. Her reply was along the lines she was not ‘throwing me away” implying we would be buddies and all that…. I told her Divorced to me meant I would no longer be there for her (implying that was not fair and I considered it cake eating, nor would it be fair to whomever I would end up moving on with, reminding her of how I dropped rope completely back in Nov14, … I truth darted a bit here and there and left her with my opinion, sure she could land any guy she really wanted with her looks, but those looks only go so far and she has to find someone who loves and accepts her for all she is. This was in response to her telling me I was merely there for her looks, I reminded her that was OM, not me (she had shared this last year and projected his actions onto me) … sure she is attractive and has become more so over the years… physically. I thought about it today, She used to be beautiful to me when she had no idea how beautiful she was, so to me it was on the inside and the outside …. After MLC seems a touch of narcissist touched down and that’s really not attractive, so now to me she is just pretty, not beautiful.
So … who knows, this morning she came in as I was in the middle of praying and hugged me. She files or she doesn’t its really on her with this as it always has been throughout this crisis, in my mind one way or the other I want to know where I am at, divorced I take the road to the left, Married the road to the right I have shoes for either path.
Just a tidbit, as I left this morning she was listening to her Pandora, I looked and caught the song and the fact it had the little orange ‘liked’ button, I pulled the song up and wow, almost perfect for a MLC wife who has been a clinging boomerang to her LBH “Gravity” by Sara Bareillas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY
