So feeling better, in part to some fabulous insights from DB Coach Chuck. I had a session with him after I was feeling all grumbly and sorry for myself about "I'm doing more around the house and I only get complaints", and I told him as part of my argument with my W she said "... and you never could handle criticism well..." Chuck run with this and gave me some advise that really made me feel better, which I'll try to paraphrase here...
There's a big difference between complaints about behavior ("you should do it this way versus that" versus complaints / criticism that attack your character ("you really must be an idiot if you don't know how to do this right"). Both kinds make many folks angry and defensive, but if you can separate the two you can do a 180 on the behavioral complaints that could work wonders for your R. The later case of character attack ("you're an idiot") is bad, and you need to make it clear to others that's not OK.
In the case of behavioral complaints, yeah maybe your spouse could say it in a nicer way, but most likely they feel they really are trying to help. Instead of getting annoyed and defensive, look at it as an opportunity / gift to connect with them - "I hadn't thought of that, why do you do it that way? here's why I thought this way would work...". Act AS-IF your R is good and the other is trying to be helpful - you'd most likely respond thankful, engaged, and trying to connect more with them...
So, yeah, I'd like it if my W would make these behavioral complaints in a nicer way, but hell given the DB stich I'm in now, letting it roll and seeing it as an opportunity to re-connect with my W is exactly what I'm trying to do right now - so game on :-)
This strategy / mindset change of seeing behavioral complaints as opportunities to (re)connect with the W immediately made me feel better as I'm guessing she really is trying to be helpful in most cases, and probably my own insecurities were making me defensive and helping to build that wall between us. Thinking back I think many of these criticism arguments spiraled out of control because we're both stubborn and had to be RIGHT in our approach versus seeing that the other was trying to help or maybe, just maybe we had missed out on some detail where our way wasn't so perfect after all...
Many of these DR strategies of look hard for the small improvements and acting AS-IF are starting to make more sense to me. They help keep me motivated, focused on taking actions to improve myself, and change my mindset to be more open to opportunities to connect with all of the important people in my life when they happen...
Lots and lots of work to be done still, and I'm still a little nervous that around the next corner is a brick flying at my head, though trying to stay positive and focused on taking control over my own life and emotions... Still very hard, very distracting, hard to sleep, but I know I can't go back to the way it was, so just have to push forward hoping that a better me will lead to a better life with my family somehow...
Thanks again to everyone for sharing your stories, your support, and your insights - it really helps a lot to know I'm not alone...
