Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

Hi Zues, thanks again for another wonderful post, they are always so helpful, I really appreciate it!

I think avoiding R talks and avoiding sharing your feelings is a good first step. I also think boundaries are appropriate. If you've been light and breezy when he is around, ending conversations first, keeping things brief, and having firm boundaries so you don't feel used, then I think you're doing it right.

Thanks Zues, it is good to have my actions 'checked out' by someone else and I'm relieved you think I'm doing the right thing. It is so difficult to decide what to do.

I, too, am mixed about setting the schedule. To me that is a step towards formal divorce, as is child support, etc. Now, if nothing EVER changed then yes, at some point you'd have to do both of those things, and probably file at some point too. But is now really the time? I hesitate to say moving forward with any of that is right when you're still in such emotional turmoil. You're making decisions that will impact your family for life, you deserve to be at your best.

I think you're right here, as painful as it is for me to have him just calling whenever he likes, at least it is a 'stand off' position and not heading to D like fixed arrangements would be. Another win win is that I know he isn't anywhere else with someone else (every cloud and all that!).

Personally I would recommend a DB coach for that. I consulted mine before taking ANY action of this nature. Not only did it keep things calm, I'll always be able to sleep at night knowing I did things within the advice of my IC, DB coach, and L. I wouldn't trust this with you alone, or your family, or even us on the board. I don't think you'll ever regret spending a little money to do this.

I'd really love to be able to get the advice of a DB coach but I really don't think I could afford it because on top of the cost of the coaching I would have international fees to pay. Wish it wasn't the case as I'm sure it would really help me. I'm so lost when it comes to all this!

This is important. I wrote a bit about being appreciative unconditionally. Have you ever been single in your life? If so, did you walk around like you had a hole in your heart? Do you think everyone does? Or were you ok being single because you thought you just had to manage through until a white knight came along, then you had the expectation that he'd take care of you so you didn't hurt anymore, and you can't comprehend having to be your own knight? I'm not making fun of you at all, I promise.

I have been single yes, and I hated it. I don't know why. I have asked myself this many times. I feel very alone when I'm on my own, I know that much, but I don't know why.

Thanks IP. If it helps know that I'd take some of the weight off your back if I could.

Thanks so much Zues, it does help to know there are such caring people on here who not only know how I feel but care too.