Kyrie, I am doing ok. Struggling with some anxiety this week. Also snowed in for most of the week so that didn't help- kids have been out of school for 9 days so far. I am busy GAL'ing and H has been calling or texting daily. No spewing, but not friendly either. Just neutral. I feel the gap is widening, which is probably why I am experiencing anxiety.
The relief of not being spewed at, or even the threat of being spewed at is indescribable. I can just be myself, can laugh at stupid jokes, can be silly with the kids, can just "be" without the fear of being under attack.
I do not miss him. At all. That doesn't mean I have given up. I want him back, and I want to reconcile, but I do not miss him the way he is now.
Hi Fo! Hope you're ok today. 9 days! Wow, I don't think we missed that much when we were in N. IL - for all of winter! What have you been doing for GAL and what have the texts been like/about (if I may ask). Boy I relate to the relief that you describe here.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Hi Kyrie. For GAL I have been catching up with friends, just lots of long silly conversations. I read a book- almost done- haven't read for fun in ages. I also had a job interview and a follow up interview tomorrow. So not a whole lot, but the things I am doing are making me happy vs just keeping busy.
Phone calls and texts are very basic, check-ins, not friendly but not unfriendly either. I have not initiated any contact, its all him, but it doesn't "feel" good. Feels forced and saying goodbye makes me sad because of course there is no ILY or any hint of affection. I know, expectations and mind reading. But there you have it. I am doing the right things, half the time my brain is behind me, half the time I need to give myself a pep talk.
I hate this so much. For 26 years I have loved this man. And now he is a stranger. Don't mean to hijack your thread. I am actually ok, I am not giving up, but these emotions are tough.
When he calls I get a combination of happy/dread feeling- I want him to call me but I am so emotionally afraid of him.
Reading for fun was a nice relief for me too. I hope the interviews go well! Does he know you're doing that?
For him, maybe they are kinda friendly. My coach suggested looking at those types of things as opportunities (to affirm his effort). It's not much, but it's there and it's not spew/hostile. It's not going to feel good soon, even though it seems endless. Baby steps are what you should recognize, even with yourself, and yeah, no expectations. At least, that was my 'take-away'. I think recognizing those when there truly *are* no expectations helps you appreciate things better, which is just plain good for you. Please, "hijack" away - I feel like we're muddling through parallel tracks anyway. And it's good to hear how you are and what's happening. Perspective I guess! I hope I can encourage you a little. Emotional fear is something that's held me back on a lot. I think part of the point of GAL is to take control of that, choose to do stuff you *want* to do regardless of second-guessing all the consequences and accepting your own responsibility whether the outcome is good or bad. That's my 2 cents worth anyway.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
good thoughts. Keep posting. You're growing. I can see it in the last few posts. Second-guessing means you need external validation for yourself. You don't - make the decision, and enjoy making it! It takes time. Keep putting the effort in.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Thanks Trumpet. Hope you're well. My H keeps saying how insulting it is that I GAL and act like everything is fine. I tried to validate by saying that I know everything isn't 'fine' with us. I DO feel better when I put the best construction on things, focus on growth and gratitude. He didn't like it but he pivoted to something else to aim at. Things have been a little less hostile. Still sniping, still 'testing' me. Dunno. I still haven't written out that pro/con of stay or go. When I started to, a lot of it sounded more like just excuses to stay. Which may have been her point. But none of them are 'deal breaking' excuses... so it seemed like an empty exercise if that's all there is to it. Who knows.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Kyrie, my H is insulted that I GAL too. He says "How can you go out and have fun while my mother's life has been destroyed" (not a direct quote but that was the content.) I finally said "I am done suffering. I am done being stuck. My life is moving forward, I hope you can join me." Since then I get a lot of head shakes and generally grumpy demeanor when I am doing something but he has stopped talking about it.
Hi Fo, I think the insult is that you're ok and he's not. The DB coach implied that - and even that he has a *need* (not consciously though) to know that you're ok. You're that lighthouse, you know? He also said if he knew *how* to be happy, he would have done that by now. Seeing you that way shows that it can be done in a bad situation. That's my take anyway. Mine resists the implication (because he kinda knows it) and turns it into: I'm ignoring him, I don't care about how he is, I refuse to help or make any effort. That's where I'm not sure how to respond, if at all. He's relentless ... so it does break you down after a bit. Here's an example: Last night (for the second night) he asked me to walk with him - we used to walk together a lot. He ranted about his job and a few things but not much spew towards me, and what there was, was somewhat softened. He ranted about his boss , the Bishop (another favorite target - and they're two of a kind!). He said that he got the impression that he was being groomed by him as his replacement, not to sound too superior about it (his words). So I asked, "What do you think about being the Bishop?" He exploded that I still didn't get it and he still didn't think he was suitable to the ministry and spew, spew, spew. I had a long pause and said, "I can see why you wouldn't want to be Bishop. You've also put a lot of work into the Seminary, the Church and the mission in Oregon. What's more, I heard you talking about a plan to write a book (about the Catechism)! I'd love to hear about that." So he pivoted to talking a little about that and then got quiet.
I think his guilt is bearing down hard (only a guess here). But he also has opposing desires. It has to be a maelstrom within him. All I can do is listen... dunno. Later we watched a show. He spewed that I still wasn't making any effort to communicate, to do anything... I never know how to respond that that.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
