Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3

[- MB -]

Rain, I am so glad that you finally posted something. I was getting worried about you!!! I know yesterday was a horrible day for you, hopefully you're feeling a little better today. Maybe you can take the boys somewhere and do something fun to get your mind off of it even if it's only for a little bit.

I worked all night last night and haven't been to bed yet, so I'm beyond tired. I did read through your conversation with XF though and wanted to respond. If I don't make any sense, just chalk it up to the fact that I'm really tired and about to crash. I will try to get back on later before work. Try to have a good day today.

That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.

(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)

So I call him <<<<< mistake!

The going dark was working, but some just take longer for it to sink into their thick heads, and some it just never sinks in. Maybe should have waited until he got past that texting/calling constantly and emotions all over the place stage. I know that you were lonely and missing him, and that you wanted this so badly though.

I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")

Yes, he is VERY busy chasing down those runaway condoms! It's an exhausting and never ending job. (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

This made me smile when I read it. I could actually see you on the phone yelling Rain STFU to yourself as a true DBer would do. I yell it to myself over and over on the rare occasion that I get to talk to my H. It never works though. For some reason I never listen to myself.

(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)

Me: what does that look like in your eyes?

((((Rain)))) This was the point when my heart started to hurt for you because I can see that you were getting so excited only to get crushed by him again. I am so sorry!

That was an awesome question you asked him though. You had told him what you needed and we're just waiting for him to say those words back to you. That's all he needed to do, and then follow through.

He is angry and raising his voice now.

...and this is where the ground under your feet began to crumble.

I really wish that you had just hung up the phone at this point. Once he got frustrated, he was only going to lash out and start blaming you for his problems and inadequacies. You didn't deserve to have to hear all of this again and I'm sorry that he's an idiot and doesn't yet know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)

Because you're growing and working towards a goal and you have practiced and rehearsed talking to him in your head just waiting for this moment and not wanting to mess it up.

(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)

Of course you're crying. You opened your heart to the chance that he's genuinely wanting to have a mature and committed relationship with you only to be smacked back down to reality by his immature expectations that you will just let him continue on without anything changing. You deserve so much more than that from any man that wants to be in your life. I'm so proud of you for standing your ground even while your heart was breaking. You were so brave and I admire that you were able to not cave in to him. I didn't stand my ground when my H was talking about working on things with me. I am embarrased that I wasn't that strong when I was faced with the opportunity to ease the pain and loneliness.

(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)

Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.

Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.

Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his transparency.

No, you don't have to say it. We can all FEEL it just reading this. You didn't deserve for him to do this to you again. It was painful just reading it and knowing how it's hurting you. He was desperately trying to get you back because he was feeling you slip away. He's just not willing to be a man at this point. He still wants to be able to run around and play his games while you stand by his side.

I saved those last 3 statements that you made because they're great! You called him out on his behavior/choices. You have told him exactly what you require of him. He can either man up and be there for you by giving you exactly what you need or not. That's his choice. You have shown him now that you are going to stand your ground and not cave in as he had hoped. So, he's having a tantrum like a little child. He will regroup and try to figure out why that didn't work. He will come up with another plan and come at you again. Eventually, he will have to figure out that he will have to come to you as a mature person that has genuine remorse and is willing to help heal the wounds he has caused you if he ever wants a chance to win back your heart. That's what you deserve. I hope you never settle for less.