WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I like how your wife has to "get through this" with regards to forgiving you for 15 years of crap but you are just supposed to forgive once and for all time and not bring it up again. I use "again" there loosely because she just stopped "it" last week so you haven't even gone through "it" once yet.

That being said....bringing it up over and over just doesn't accomplish much. I usually recommend, once withdrawal is over, a big honesty session where ALL the truth can be put on the table. Honest is just so important to the foundation of marriage that getting it all out there on both sides is important. Trickle truth and discovering new facts a year later (like if she slept with OM or made out with some guy at her company Christmas party 3 years ago) is just so devastating to a recovery vomitting all the truth up front and building from there is important.

It's also one of the advantages of snooping (for verification purposes). When a betrayed husband has snooped out most of the truth of the situation he doesn't have to ask as many questions because he already knows the answers. He doesn't need to talk about it because there just aren't that many grey issues he's not up to date on.

What's funny is - SHE will bring it up and want to talk about it. When you present a safe, calm and neutral listening environment....the wayward is so foggy and confused that she'll end up wanting to talk about it with someone and since you are around a bunch - she'll just talk herself to death about it to you. You'll be the one trying to change course and talk about something else or do something else.

You also can't just be expected to bury your head in the sand and act like nothing every happened. It's a fine line between forgiveness, healthy processing, boundaries and the tendency to conflict avoid. You are in conflict with your wife right now negotiating the terms of your future relationship - you can't just roll over out of fear of making her angry. Fight for BOTH of you becoming better spouses, better parents and better people.


Finally - just like her forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Although you have no plans to hammer her on this issue and you've never called her names ....this isn't something that doesn't need to ever be discussed again. You might be able to use the old nails in the fence analogy. You can pound a bunch of nails in your back wooden fence, but when you remove the nails --- the holes remain. The damage doesn't disappear. Even if you fill the holes and repaint - the underlying damage remains.


I empathize with your post this weekend. Whether to just bag it and take the opportunity to just seek another life divorcing this woman who really wasn't that great a wife to begin with. Having such thoughts is normal and I used thought thoughts to give me the strength to FIGHT for what WE wanted and not roll over for the easy wayward recovery way (burying your heads in the sand until it happens again). You see - YOU are going to be fine whichever way this goes. Your wife and kids will pay the biggest price should you two divorce. So this isn't about you battling for your happiness because you might just be happier getting divorced. It's certainly a possibility if your wife doesn't step up to become a better wife. Therefore, you can fight this fight without fear. You're going to be ok either way. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. God has given you an out of adultery. He doesn't require you to reconcile in such situations even though we are asked to forgive.


Got to go. Have a nice week.