6) Wife, while staying in the M due to her commitment, repeatedly has told me that she has needs to 'find happiness'. This would seem to override any Christian principal that she might have heard the last 30+ years. For her, personal happiness supercedes the marriage and the vows we have taken 15 years ago.
Part of that wayward mindset is her pursuit of happiness. She may connect happiness to the OM. For me, I was very depressed during my withdrawals, b/c I saw my OM as being my last chance at happiness. As a WW, she has related unhappiness to you. Where I was extremely resentful toward my H for other things our MR, your W resents you for the porn. That could take spiritual guidance and time, before she can let go and forgive.
The waywardness that causes her mindset may not disappear all at once. I know mine didn't, although much like your W, I had made the decision to stay in my M. I wasn't happy about it. I had no desire to make an effort and honestly was so depressed, I had no energy for it. That may not be true for all WW's. I was no young chick and had health issues, so the added depression really kicked me.
The struggles for your W will not die out just b/c she has made the decision to stay. The fact that she has honored the NC (as far as you know) is quite an accomplishment. She may not be able to deliver everything at once, b/c she might be doing all she can do at the moment. Giving up the OM is very much effort on her part, as I'm sure you can understand. I think you need to ease up (at least till she gets the hardest part of withdrawals behind) saying something about the work she needs to do. I do not mean that you should let her start showing disrespect, etc. I just mean don't be constantly reminding her what she has to do, especially now that she's going to counseling. Btw, I hope it's not one of those C who encourage women to leave and go find their happiness.
It still concerns me that she rebels about the transparency.
Quote:
To wife, forgiveness would mean not talking about the affair. If I truly forgave, it wouldn't come up again - that the hurt wouldn't exist anymore.
Sure, sweeping it under the rug is easier than cleaning the whole house. Does she feel the same way about your porn use?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
