Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Very concerned about what people here are saying about me, I want to be certain I am not missing anything that I might be failing to see about myself. I spent all day yesterday contemplating this. Last night in the hot tub, by myself, I had another one of those Scrooge-like awakenings. Only unlike Scrooge, it just never seems to stick for some reason. Real life is just so much harder than they make it out to be in books and movies! I don't know what it is about that hot tub but it gets me into my feelings in a way that just doesn't happen normally.

Despite feeling certain that I'm right about people misunderstanding me in some way, I also had a sinking feeling that I must be missing something too. Maybe I'm right about my innocence, but Rd is also right about what some of my issues are, if that's somehow possible? I thought about myself, not just in this R with my W but in past R's as well. I have to admit when I put myself in the other person's shoes, that I must come across as pretty thick headed. Although I don't intentionally ignore other people's needs, it's like I fail to notice them sometimes. Lack of empathy. I'm innocent for this, as far as I can tell, yet it's a problem that I have no choice but to try and figure out.

I don't know what makes me like this. I spent an hour trying my hardest to force myself to look at anything and everything in my past that might give clues. Looking at my past hurtful behavior toward others that seemed like it was justified for one reason or another, things that I just never understood. So many tears came last night. Hating myself, confused, feeling like I must have it all completely wrong. At one point, I was just begging for my ego to be taken away. Like my whole mind is just wrong, off track, like I went off track somewhere in my life and I'm no longer living the life I was meant to be living. I had glimpses of what a new JGuy might look like, more kind, generous, caring, empathetic. But then fears flood in, memories of being treated like a doormat, unseen, misunderstood. It seems I have failed to find the balance between being kind and empathetic with also having proper boundaries.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of being totally inadequate, incapable, not having whatever it is I would need to have to actually live the life of being a better JGuy. I saw the glimpses beginning to away from me as they always do. I begged for them to stay and not leave me alone in blindness and suffering. This might sound crazy, and maybe it is, but I tried dialoguing with myself, as though an angel was talking to me. Telling myself that everything I need to do this is all inside of me, that it's just a matter of seeing clearly enough and having the willpower to change. I managed to keep the glimpses with me for longer than they usually stay.

It's not the first time I have come to this place. Once and awhile, I see these glimpses of guidance that I am obviously meant to follow, but then they fade and give way to the thick fog that I remain lost in 99% of the time. Is this fog just a false reality that my pride has unconsciously tricked me into believing in, as a protection against some imagined harm that might befall me if I was to let go and admit the truth about myself to myself? I hate this fog. I am so sick of it... I just want it to go away! I don't care if it's painful. I want the truth. I tried to see how this might be, how my innocence might be imaginary. Flooded with self judgement and self hate... then trying to pick myself up and figure out what part of me is and always was innocent and lovable. It was really confusing. I am still confused.

I was a mess all night. My W found me crying in a puddle in my bedroom when I got home. She was kind and caring, but it was obvious she had no clue what I was going through. On top of everything I was feeling, I felt worried because I remembered I wasn't supposed to let her see me crying according to the advice here. I just feel so inadequate, incapable of holding myself together. I am just so far away from being that strong. Doomed to fail, doomed to lose everything, feeling so overwhelmed, like it must all be my fault, for not being good enough, strong enough, humble enough, aware enough. Like I have completely failed myself and my family.

Today I feel like the fog is still thick, my usual thought patterns coming back. I don't want life to go on as usual anymore, I want this hell to end. If this is me and it's all something I'm missing then I want to have courage to face it. I want to just throw away all my pride, or at least figure out how to detach it from the feeling of innate innocence about myself, so that I can start doing all the overwhelmingly difficult work of trying to change, but without all the self judgement that destroys the very motivation that it would take. I want to know how I can stay in touch with these insights that came to me last night, so that they aren't just rare glimpses that come once in a blue moon. I have no idea why this is all so hard and seems so unfair, but who am I to judge what life has thrown my way? If this is the path I must walk then I must deserve it for some reason which isn't up to me to be the judge of.

How do I carry that innocent part of me, little JGuy, through this without the criticism and self hate being directed at him? I think when I defend myself from Rd, Zeus, and Azzork's criticism, it is little JGuy that I am trying to protect, which maybe I am right to do, but I'm just really confused because I am missing something about how that's only a part of me. Maybe there is a different part of me that I am totally blind to most of the time, which has come out and is affecting how I come across to other people. If this is true, how humiliating this is. I guess my innocence is that it's not easy for me to see it. But I feel like I saw it last night, that is if I wasn't just imagining everything. Gotta start somewhere, I guess.