B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

So, I called my wife last night. I've been in this terrible funk for the past few weeks, isolating myself, and just generally not doing well. I've been going backwards in that I have started trying to e-track her again many times a day. Well, today I went to match.com to see if she was online, and I couldn't find her account. Did a username search and her account doesn't come up. Nothing on the age and location criteria either. So, then I started panicking (well panic isn't the right word) but I thought perhaps she found her one new guy and didn't need the site anymore. I know that's dumb, but anyway. So, I called her. I was wanting to see if I could gauge where she was in all of this.

She answered and we had a pretty bizarre and ultimately I know useless conversation. And yes, I know that by calling her I was pursuing her, but I didn't care. We didn't really fight though I was certainly expressing a lot of my anger at her. I told her how hurt I am by everything she has done and she said she was sorry. I didn't really accept her apology. I expressed to her all of the things that she had done to me and that I was completely justified in feeling hurt by her actions. Then she started saying some things like, 'How do we fix it?' 'How do we move forward from here?' I told her you just have to make it happen. I said when you wanted another man you went out and made sure that happened, lied to your husband, made adjustments for work, etc...and you went and found him. You have to do the same thing here. She replied, 'Point taken'

I don't know. We kind of left it where I had basically expressed all of my anger, pain, and frustration with her. I told her that I cannot go after her, cannot pursue her, that I have to stay where I am with myself emotionally and if she comes to find me then we'll see what happens from there.

She said things like she didn't think I would talk to her. And that she knew I wouldn't want her back and this and that. I told her that I do love her, I never wanted any of this to happen and that I do want her to love me. But that I can't guarantee anything about whats going to happen in the future between us.

She ultimately told me thank you for calling. And she wanted to know if she called me to talk if I would talk to her. I said yes. I said I'm not going to be waiting around to here from her, but yes. She said what if you don't answer. I said then you keep calling, then you text, then you email, or hey you come knock on my door I'm only 10 minutes away. If you want it to happen you will make it happen.

And that was basically it.

So...I feel better after our phone conversation. The question is why? I know that the conversation is meaningless. I called her. She still hasn't taken a single action to try to communicate with me on her own. I know that it is only her actions that I can trust. So, I feel like maybe I feel better because I was able to get a lot of things off of my chest. I was able to express to her, relatively calmly, exactly how I have been feeling and feel as though she kind of listened.

I don't know. So, for now I go back to my routine of no contact unless it is absolutely necessary for the taking care of the kids. I'll try to have no expectations from her. I don't know if she will ever call or not. But, I said a lot, and feel like I've let most everything that I have inside on the table.

The ball is in her court. I have a life to live, whatever that life ends up being I still don't know. But, I just wanted to share what happened and let all of you tell me how I did, I guess.

Actually, I'm more interested in learning about what to do IF something does happen. How should I handle a phone call wanting to talk? How do I handle a text message asking to talk? Etc...
Obviously I know that it may never happen. And I'm guessing that I need to work on making sure my anger doesn't get in the way. To this point, all of the 32 steps and validation and all of that just really hasn't been relevant or necessary. I guess, I need to go back and read something.

Anyway...later all.