I have to do a conference call in two minutes, but there is a lot of me in your H. I think once before I posted that your description of him scared me because it sounded so much like me.
Quote: If someone were to ask Mr. W. RIGHT NOW what he wants out of life, I think his answer would be 'TO BE LEFT ALONE'.
If I had to guess, I think a more accurate description here is not that he wants to be left alone, but that he wants the right or ability to be left alone when chooses. So, your descritoipn of him and the current state of your R is that he has found a way to secure that right--to control the terms of engagement and disengagement from you as he sees fit. Not exactly the foundation for a healthy M, but at the same time--a real opening for a postive healthier M if the two of you can truly learn to respect and understand each other's needs. I truly suspect that deep down this is what Mr. W really wants, but he just doesn't know how to express and is fearful of your reaction--so he is in his comfort zone right now, but I don't think this is soemthing he would be comfortable with over many years (I assume he still has physical needs and his crude act at the bowling alley was an immature but sincere way of expressing those needs without making himself vulnerable).
I could be playing with fire, but I think Retrouvaille might be the type of experience that could greatly benefit the two of you. It provides an environment for intense self-reflection in the safety of being with others (you don't have to talk in front other people) while trying to reestablish the foundational connection that allows you to move forward.
In the end, in many ways he is doing what I am trying to do right now--and what Laurie suggested are new goals. His goal is to maintain the family and dismiss whatever he needs from you--because for whatever reason he doesn't think he will get it or will be hurt--so he has detached from you. Gotta run, but my hypothesis. Although it may not seem like it, that's a lot of good there to work with.
