Divorce Papers

[Rednail]

My monday started off emotional too. I feel you pain. Keep your head up, it [censored] and hopefully it gets easier for both of us. Everyone tells me to have NO expectations at all when it comes to your separated spouse. Don't really have much advice besides knowing that you aren't alone and time is our friend! I hope she gives you some sort of feedback about your letter soon!

[TimR]

I have found that after leaving the letter she has posted more quotes on her Pintrest account. One says "When you decide to let go don't look back, you cannot see your future in the rear view mirror." and "holding on to someone who treats you like an option keeps you from someone who treats you like a priority." On my own I posted about never giving up. Her mom must look at my page because she started posting more quotes to the loser husband. Today she also post a quote of "when a girl gives up on you good luck." I describes basically how you can push away the women you love. I know my therapist would say this is all communication or information. However, I do not know what it is telling me. Is she having seconds thoughts about leaving? Is she trying to convey a clear message that it is over? Is she saying I need to work harder? Is she trying to convince herself leaving is the best decision (I know her mom is)? Or is this feedback that I should try other methods? ugh!

[Rednail]

That would be so confusing! Try not to read into it. She might be doing it just to hurt you especially if her mom is doing it too. Just try working on you and maybeavoid Pinterest for a while. I had to give up ALL social media my WAH is on because seeing him pist pictures of him out and happy hurt.

[sandi2]

Tim, I think you would do better if you stayed away from her websites altogether. At this point, you are wanting to analyze everything, and it will work on your emotions too much. Besides, you cannot place any value in what she says on public sites.

When my XDIL dumped my S, she was always putting stuff out there, like you've described, and it was so ridiculous. She would be making references to her new OM and actually some of it came back to bite her.

You have much better things to do that watch stuff like FB, Pintrest, Twitter, or anything along those lines. For sure, if she knows you are watching, you will probably get stung several times over.

[TimR]

Thank you sandi2 and Rednail. I am trying to avoid the social media, but find it extremely hard as that is the only feed back I think I get from methods. And I must admit this feels like the only connection I still have with her. Maybe I am just torturing myself. Trying to remain with GALing and finishing the books.

[Cristy]

Hello Tim,

Yes, you are torturing yourself. Sandi and Rednail are right. It is best to avoid social media communication/spying completely. I would put social media in the don't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does category. It isn't a real connection anyway.

Focus on being the best Tim and Dad that only a fool would leave. GAL and let's see some Tim focused goals that don't have anything to do with her or your relationship,

Hang in there!
Cristy

[TimR]

Hi, its me again. So I got a text from a friend and it said what is your wife doing with this guy on facebook. Sure enough they are friends and she is friends with his whole family. I couldn't stand it anymore and felt compelled to know if she was actually having an affair. I found the guys address and at night drove there... Sure enough her car was there. I took a picture but did not go up to the door, I would be in jail now if I would have got out of my car. Instead I drove away and text her the picture.

Later on she called me and swore they just hang out and she is not having an affair. I do not know a married woman who hangs out with a single guy at his house at 9:30 pm and is not having and affair. I told her to stop lying and just admit it. Of course she will not. So any way at least I know, despite how I now feel about it.

The problem I have is whether I still want to DB. Part of me does part of me does not.

[TimR]

Hello everyone. Just asking for some quick advise. WAW and I are separated. I have reason to guess she is having second thoughts. This weekend we were able to talk on the telephone a few times and today I took my sick step son to the dr without her prompting (btw I would have done that before separation).

So after a weekend where we seemed to make small but noticeable progress she calls me at work. Said she has been thinking about things and then started crying telling me all the controlling manipulative things I have done. After discovering her cheating on me I did take her engagement and wedding rings (yes my coach told me how stupidly I acted that night). She continued with telling me how spiteful and hurtful that was. I said I understand why she would feel like that. I also said listen we both are working right now and I do not want to ruin the rest of your day but I want to talk about this further (I had a client waiting for a meeting but did not tell her that as I think she would have viewed it as an excuse from me). I will call you tonight. I scheduled an appointment with a coach before we talk.

What I expect to hear about is everything I have done wrong (oh boy there is a lot). Mainly, I am guessing about the unilateral decisions I have made in the past, pouting, arguing and saying some mean things during those arguments, about me moving out (which I thought I was doing for her since she said she could not even handle seeing me and when I moved back in she screamed at me that night and screamed that morning again).

I have done so much damage to this relationship I do not want to do more so any suggestions or if anyone has experience with these "talks" I would greatly appreciate hearing from you. Please any advice or information would be great. I can see only 2 possible reasons for this talk. 1 she is having serious doubts about leaving and having a lot of internal conflict or 2 the realization of how expensive this will be for her and how her entire life style will have to change has her stressed. While I hope for the former, I think I made it perfectly clear that all she had to do was say the word and I would happily work on our marriage, so I think me hoping for the former is just wishful thinking. Thanks!

[Cadet]

Tim

I would suggest Letting GO,
validating, and mostly just listening.
nothing you are going to say is going to turn this around quickly.

Yes I think you are doing some wishful thinking and I have done that myself.
Thinking that because my wife ate some popcorn I made that it was a sign that all was well.

She is confused and needs to figure out what she wants without your pursuit.
I know this sounds counter intuitive to what you think is right, just remember that YES it is a 180 to be counter intuitive.
She needs to feel the consequences of her actions,
Final thought believe nothing she says and half of what she does!

[TimR]

We did not have the talk. As per coach I reached out and offered and she text back that she didn't want to now. Later that night she proceeded to start sending me text about what a jerk I am and how I control and manipulate her. I validated and empathized and she complained she did not believe any of it. She then threatened and insulted.

This morning I text her that picked up the kid and took him to school because he missed the bus. I said I do not know why he called me and did not ask her (she is the one living in the house). I think he was afraid to ask. She in turn said it was because I was trying to turn him against her. I validated and said I could appreciate why she would feel that way, but she is his mother and a great one! I would never do that. She in turn started in about me stalking her (which I have not since I caught her cheating).

I am realizing she is changing her tactics now. She used to say stuff to invoke a reaction in me but if I validated and empathized she would calm and drop it. Now it seems to anger her just as if I would give her my old reactions. Thus I think my new plan needs to be detaching and not answering texts or calls if it appears she is trying to drag me into reactions.

Anyone experience this?? Any advice??