WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[trumpet]

Had an ok weekend.

Wife did converse with me. She got sick on Sunday, so I did a few things for her. She was appreciative.

Took the kids to a women's BB game. It was great.

Trying my best to show Christ's love in my words and actions.

What I've been able to piece together is this:

1.) My wife has not forgiven me for '15 years of crap', including the porn. She can't love or even like me until she's gotten through this
2.) NC is still in force. She has done a good job with this.
3.) MR can't happen until forgiveness happens. I think as OM love fades, the forgiveness will begin to happen
4.) We have signed the stay order. We have 3 months before we need to tell the court to re-start the D, or dissolve the D.
5.) Wife is going to counseling. We're seeing pastor tonight, which I'm actually nervous about.
6) Wife, while staying in the M due to her commitment, repeatedly has told me that she has needs to 'find happiness'. This would seem to override any Christian principal that she might have heard the last 30+ years. For her, personal happiness supercedes the marriage and the vows we have taken 15 years ago.
7) To wife, forgiveness would mean not talking about the affair. If I truly forgave, it wouldn't come up again - that the hurt wouldn't exist anymore.
8.) My pornography use, and her 2 affairs are equal in her mind - I have done just as much to destroy the M as she has. Her justification for the PA and EA is my 'being a crappy husband' for 15 years.

These last three points would not be my viewpoint, of course.


It's now a matter of time - time for me to work through my hurt, and continue to show the new Trumpet. Time for my W to see the possibility of a happier M vs. what we had. Time for OM to fade.

Once my wife can forgive me, we can move forward with MR and couples counseling. If she thinks all the hurt needs to be gone before she forgives, we won't make it - way too much hurt on both sides.

I'm happy she's giving us a chance. I'm happy she's getting help. I'm happy she can converse with me on a 'friend' basis, and that the kids see two people trying to make it work. She has said she wants to love me, but can't right now.

On other fronts, got a promotion at work - management, here I come! This wouldn't have happened with the old Trumpet - I was scared of putting myself out there. I'm more confident in my own abilities than I have been in years. I'm ok, and even welcome change. I will not compromise my beliefs, but if my cheese gets moved, I move. Being content doesn't mean I have to settle for where I'm at - let's see where my abilities take me.