Maybe there IS another women.. He came over at 8 am with donuts from a city over (opposite) of where he is staying. I shouldn't have asked but I said casually ( the address is huge on the box) these are new. We've never been there..its kinda out of the way from our house but they are delicious donuts. He said he didnt spend the night at his parents then went into our room to lay down. I really think there might be someone.
Originally Posted By: Rednail
I think its over. He said he was worked he was giving mixed signals and he still 100% wants a divorce and says we are just friends and Thats how he wants to be. That when I get a job we can figure out the divorce. Heis willing to wait 6 months aka until June until we file just to make sure. Hes 100% sure hes never loved me either. I need to really start over. I think I had to much hope I didn't really think I had and was broken all over again today. Where do I start. Back at day 1 detaching? I told him the next time he wants to talk about us its either hand me divorce papers or tell me you are coming home. I had a few tears but didn't cry cry.
Agreed with V on not believing what you hear/see. I would add to that: QUIT TRYING TO MAKE CONCLUSIONS.
You feel awful. You want to stop feeling this way. So your brain is trying to find a way to wrap things up so you don't have to feel this way anymore. Likewise your ultimatum to WAH is for the same purpose. D, R, whatever, just make the pain stop!
Here's the hard facts. There is nothing you can do right now to feel better. If you push your H to say you are getting a D, it won't make you feel better because of closure. You know why? Because D is so painful that even if you are out of the uncertainty of limbo you will mourn the loss of your M for the rest of your life and be in pain for months or years. There is no way out. Moreover, even if he SAYS D, to V's point, it's not like that's suddenly going to be the last time you or he feel conflicted, so it will fail to even provide the little relief you believe you'd get from closure because it's not that easy.
I tell people you can't trust your feelings because they are all over the map, and you can't trust your thoughts because they are just rationalizations of your feelings. You really have to just STFU and be still, breath, let weeks roll by, watch your emotions bounce around like the needle on a scale when you just jump on it. Chill.
The only thing you can trust are your beliefs. Your core values. That is why I'm a proponent of the mission statement. What beliefs do you have that you will follow regardless of your feelings?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Agreed with V on not believing what you hear/see. I would add to that: QUIT TRYING TO MAKE CONCLUSIONS.
I really really need to work on this. Im always trying to make conclusions or wrap my head around things. Its hard.
Here's the hard facts. There is nothing you can do right now to feel better.
I think I needed to hear that. I keep telling myself I just want to feel better..but you are right either way Im going to hurt. In limbo now or getting a divorce from my best friend.
The only thing you can trust are your beliefs. Your core values. That is why I'm a proponent of the mission statement. What beliefs do you have that you will follow regardless of your feelings?
I have to think on this one. Im Not sure. Im think and post back later.
Pretend for a moment it is 3 years from now and you are looking back at the adversity you faced in 2016. You are proud because you handled it so well. What are the things you did that you are proud of? What are the things you avoided that you are proud you didn't do?
Write that out...then use that as a compass to handle your day to day struggles.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I want to be financially independant I want to go back to school I want to continue to be a loving, nuturing, creative person. I want to start being independant. Right now my house, car, bills, everything is in my WAS name. I don't even have a bank account or access to his. I NEVER want to be in the position where I have to ask for money 24-7 from any man. I want to avoid being needy and clingy and shy. I want to avoid being a doormat. So many people tell me Im too nice and a doormat. Im tired of being walked on. I want to look back and know that while I try to make people happy that I'm no longer a people pleasing doormat. I hate conflict and change and i want to embarrasse changes in me and my life.
How do you set boundaries if your WAS wont actually follow them. Even though HE said we needed to just be friends he wasnt going to touch me or hug me anymore...it didnt happen. He tried tickling me from behind today and I walked away. Im sick so when he left I was half asleep on the couch and he tucked a blanket over me then kissed my forehead and gave me a hug while I was trying to sleep and I rolled over. I don't know how to word or explain that I don't want him doing that.
I want to be financially independant I want to go back to school I want to continue to be a loving, nuturing, creative person. I want to start being independant. Right now my house, car, bills, everything is in my WAS name. I don't even have a bank account or access to his. I NEVER want to be in the position where I have to ask for money 24-7 from any man. I want to avoid being needy and clingy and shy. I want to avoid being a doormat. So many people tell me Im too nice and a doormat. Im tired of being walked on. I want to look back and know that while I try to make people happy that I'm no longer a people pleasing doormat. I hate conflict and change and i want to embarrasse changes in me and my life.
Renail a good start although these are the things you act on, a terrific start to an action plan.
What we need to do is convert these to values.
For instance for V a core value is:
I believe in life long learning and development, I grow and develop myself daily. The way I do this (actions), I read a minimum of a book a week and I do my professional reading within 10 days.........
I believe in fitness and health of the mind and body and i dedicate myself to ........ (actions)
Core value, I will not be abused so I ensure my boundaries are strong and I state my limits on behaviour.......
I consider that a strong fin base is core to my life and stability so I......(action)
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In a couple of years the actions are different but the core value is the same.
State things in the present tense and using active words, positive choices.
The human mind doesn't understand negatives so say please be careful with that vase and not please don't drop the vase. The subconscious mind will say and here drop the vase.
It's the elephant, don't think of punk elephants, the first thing that comes to mind is a pink elephant!
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So
Financial independence is my route to freedom, I am fiscally independent so I.....(action)
Confidence and communication fill my life so I..... (action)
Strength caring and sensitivity show in my life to others and I am willing to give sensibly and this adds to my life and makes me stronger so I ....... (actions)
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I hope that helps, no doubt there are others around with fantastic ideas too.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I have been around for a long time and your post just gave me some new ideas. Thank you!
Rednail- I think you have come a very long way in a short time. I am glad you have joined us. You are in for a long journey, so pace yourself and keep posting.
How do you set boundaries if your WAS wont actually follow them. Even though HE said we needed to just be friends he wasnt going to touch me or hug me anymore...it didnt happen. He tried tickling me from behind today and I walked away. Im sick so when he left I was half asleep on the couch and he tucked a blanket over me then kissed my forehead and gave me a hug while I was trying to sleep and I rolled over. I don't know how to word or explain that I don't want him doing that.
I am going to recommend you review the boundaries cheat sheet.
I also love Al Turtle on Boundaries, try googling that to get another way of looking at boundaries.
Boundaries need consequences and these can and must be enforced.
There is little use in having a boundary that is not enforceable. It merely seems weak and back tracking. Boundaries are about that which is under your own control.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
