Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

I didn't see it as trying to control him, I saw it as trying to make something happen to alter this situation I find myself in. I can't cope with it the way it is. I'm still hurting just as much as day one and I have friends and family telling me to D him and I just feel like I'm running out of time. The longer we are separated the harder things would be if he did want to R. I guess I was trying to hurry things along. It has been 84 days today since he left. I don't feel any different. In fact, I think I feel more devastated now than I did on day 1.

Again, I'm sorry you're here. It is pretty awful.

Your friends and family are telling you to D him to end the pain because they hate to see you suffering.

We on DB are telling you to let him go because we, too, hate to see you suffering.

All of us agree on one thing- continuing to desire something you can't control and can't have is causing you pain. We all agree that you should work on letting go, little by little (this is NOT an instant decision, it's a process that takes a long time).

The only difference is that we believe that the internal letting go can be done without external actions like legal paperwork or other bridge burning activity.

OK, I understand what you have put here, thank you. I feel like I get 'told off' here though if I vent. It seems like I have to be all happy GAL even on here, if not more so than in real life.

When I was a manager I told my employees it was ok to vent, but not to be negative. When they asked me the difference I defined it like this:

Venting is when external stresses exceed your coping mechanisms and you find yourself boiling over in the red zone, so you do two things...first you blow off some steam to a friend, but then you look in the mirror and ask yourself what you could do differently to either prevent the situation or handle it better in the future. In this case venting is a useful technique to get out of the red zone so you can get back in control, and it is centered around accountability.

Negativity starts the same, boiling over in the red zone and blowing off steam to a friend...but then it ends with the person pointing to the world as being the problem, and concluding they can't possibly be ok given that the world is the way it is.

Venting leads to regaining control, accepting reality, and growing. Negativity leads to cheeseless tunnels.

We're here to help make sure the blowing off steam leads to something productive so you can feel better.

OK, I kind of see what you mean here but how do I put this into practice? I'm acting happy when he comes round. I don't talk to him unless he starts a conversation (except the finance conversation we had on Friday). Yet he is chatty and starts conversations and seems to think I'm OK with it. I'm not. It is killing me. Does this mean I should go out every time he comes?

I think avoiding R talks and avoiding sharing your feelings is a good first step. I also think boundaries are appropriate. If you've been light and breezy when he is around, ending conversations first, keeping things brief, and having firm boundaries so you don't feel used, then I think you're doing it right.

It's not easy. Just remember this isn't forever. This is very short term.

I, too, am mixed about setting the schedule. To me that is a step towards formal divorce, as is child support, etc. Now, if nothing EVER changed then yes, at some point you'd have to do both of those things, and probably file at some point too. But is now really the time? I hesitate to say moving forward with any of that is right when you're still in such emotional turmoil. You're making decisions that will impact your family for life, you deserve to be at your best.

Personally I would recommend a DB coach for that. I consulted mine before taking ANY action of this nature. Not only did it keep things calm, I'll always be able to sleep at night knowing I did things within the advice of my IC, DB coach, and L. I wouldn't trust this with you alone, or your family, or even us on the board. I don't think you'll ever regret spending a little money to do this.

I feel that I get the emotional needs you speak of met at work and from my family. It is the actual emotional need of being in love, feeling safe and looked after, being held, that I am not getting met. I cannot get those things anywhere else than my H. This is where I'm struggling. When I'm doing my GAL activities, which mostly involve my children, I am genuinely happy doing them. There is just this huge void where his love used to be.

This is important. I wrote a bit about being appreciative unconditionally. Have you ever been single in your life? If so, did you walk around like you had a hole in your heart? Do you think everyone does? Or were you ok being single because you thought you just had to manage through until a white knight came along, then you had the expectation that he'd take care of you so you didn't hurt anymore, and you can't comprehend having to be your own knight? I'm not making fun of you at all, I promise.

I'm talking about two different things. Obviously there is going to be a huge loss that is an open wound right now. This is devastating. I'm not suggesting it shouldn't be.

But is there something inherently painful about being on your own? Should life hurt if you don't have someone perpetually putting their arms around you and telling you it will be ok?

I will tell you that it did for me, and I felt the same when XW left. I was FORCED to figure this one out, because I learned the hard way as well I couldn't control anyone but me. What I learned was that I could be there for myself in a way that I never was during my M. If I needed a hug, I hugged myself. I gave myself the love I wanted from XW. It sounds stupid, but this was also a huge 180 for me. Not only did it help me survive my D, it gave me the best chance of being a good H whether XW had a change of heart or someday down the road, because you can't be a great partner if you need your spouse to care-take you. It just doesn't work. They get resentful of having to care take, and it's never enough to fill the hole in your heart, and you need more, so you start trying to pressure them for more and more, until they pull away, etc. At least in my experience. Only by learning to truly take care of yourself can you do the 180 of being able to be a partner and not an emotional dependent.

I think you should spend more time talking about this. It is important. I used to feel like being ok on my own somehow diminished my love for my partner or meant I was ok with divorce. It didn't and it doesn't. It simply means that I understand that only God can fill up the hole in my heart, and only if I ask Him too. Or if I'm not feeling spiritual, only I can do it if I take responsibility for my happiness and focus on what I have to be appreciative of and be there for myself.

It's still hard for me. I am still angry that the world works the way it does. I still struggle accepting reality. Some days I read newcomer's situations and I get angry all over again, it seems so unfair and hurtful what is done. But in the end it is my choice whether I want to enjoy the life I've been given or stew in my own anger. This wasn't an overnight thing either IP, it's been a lot of hard work to get through.

I don't want him to do things the way I need him to if he came back. It's just that I don't see how I can step up and be the best wife I can if he doesn't come back. Without him I'm not a wife, I'm a Mum, a single Mum.

I mentioned some of this above. Your role as wife is part of you. Work on the whole person. If you can deal with this loss and come out the other side you'll be a stronger woman. This means you'll do better in any role you take on, and it will be obvious.

I will do as you say and post about the M breakdown in a separate thread so it stands out. Thanks Zues.

Thanks IP. If it helps know that I'd take some of the weight off your back if I could.