Seeing less of my old shark image

[Underdog]

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, friends! Mike, your card was really sweet. Berto, thanks for chatting this morning.

I had some moments of truthfulness and clarity yesterday. I will admit that I spent most of the afternoon after I left work wiping the tears away. But they were cathartic in nature and the kind that helps me deal with the conflict in its true light.

Let's start with the fact that Mr. Wonderful did not purchase any presents for me. He was not deliberately being mean or spiteful. I think this reflects his true feelings about me--nothing more than someone else he knows.

He phoned yesterday when I was attending D10's art exhibit. I didn't pick up the call because 1) I was at the library; and 2) I was talking to a bunch of D7's special ed teachers. His voicemail started like this:

MW: "Hey, Bets, I know you're not talking to me, so will you have D10 return this call and tell me if you ever received the form for D7's Daddy & Me Breakfast? Also, I want to ask D10 if I can come to lunch with her on Thursday."

Hmmmm. I was avoiding his calls last week, but yesterday's was not deliberate in avoidance.

Next issue. D (my boss) had requested us to pick a night to go to dinner. He gave us 3 choices for this week, and the one that seemed feasible did not work out. He called D back and left him a voicemail saying:

"Hey, Thursday won't work for me since I promised a friend I would bowl for him. Things don't look good next week either."

I think this avoidance thing is contagious...

Lastly and most importantly, I finally understand that the reason he doesn't want a divorce or to work on reconciliation is because both paths require effort.

That is the crux of everything here. He likes doing nothing. He likes not being responsible or making decisions. Getting a D would require a lot of time, money and effort to finish the split. Working on reconciliation also requires more than just showing up somewhere.

With this, I realized something earth shattering. I don't love this man. I loved the man I married--the guy who loved me back and treated me like his only love. The father of my girls. But that guy has been gone for a few years now. Frankly, I don't think that guy is ever coming back because it requires too much effort and thought.

And I don't love the man who doesn't stand for anything. Really.

So as always, the ball is in my court. I'll spend the next month or so really devoting energy to what I want to happen. I really don't want to be in a M where separation is going to linger indefinitely.

To quote BB King: The thrill is gone.

Wow, it feels much better to have this truth present itself because the truth always helps us make better decisions for ourselves.

Just keep swimming.

Bets