It must be terribly discouraging. In the past, I would not post that information, although, I saw more and more LBH'S who I could see just were not grasping how long it took the WW to make a turn back to the MR. Many of them would talk about the WW not "snapping out" of it. The only stories where I observed the WW snapping out of the fog, were the ones where the LBH'S acted quickly with very tough love. For the most part, the LBH'S have been nice-guy types who were much too skittish to do either. Anyway, a few times I decided that maybe the LBH'S need to know that it usually takes much, much longer than they ever dreamed.
There is something else LBH'S need to know. Once she comes back into the M, the issues are not automatically resolved. There have some men who actually stuck around long enough to tell us that they (the LBH) came very close to being the WAS after reconciling. You see, they would be so focused on just saving the M that once they were reconciled, then his issues with the WW would hit him. He would be faced with his own anger and tons of resentment for what she put him and the kids through. Some of them discovered that their forgiveness was doubted, and asked themselves why they weren't happier. Not by the WW, but by themselves (the LBH).! This would always comes after the reconciliation and it would be like he couldn't understand why his feelings about his W had changed. Wasn't this what he wanted? For her to end her affair and go back to him and the kids? Yes, it was. However, after it would seem things should settle down and get back to normal, then all these negative feelings would arise.
We tell newcomers to take very good care of themselves, and that includes mental health. It is a tremulous occurrence in the life of the betrayed. I have learned that much by reading endless accounts of personal pain and outcome from LBS's. To come through it unscathed is not possible, IMHO. The fact that a couple can come back from it, at all, is incredible. They can, but it's not easy and I think they need to know upfront that it is more than challenging and takes a long time b/c of the various stages of how it all plays out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
