Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

I just thought it would get him out of his 'fog', as I said at the end of my post, the reality of losing something.

This is an example of controlling behavior. It's one thing to set boundaries so you aren't being controlled by him, abused, taken advantage of, etc. But trying to orchestrate consequences in his life to change his behavior is controlling.

Hi Zues, thank you for your reply. For some reason it didn't show up, it wasn't there when I replied to Irish. I can see what you mean about this ^^ being controlling. I didn't see it as trying to control him, I saw it as trying to make something happen to alter this situation I find myself in. I can't cope with it the way it is. I'm still hurting just as much as day one and I have friends and family telling me to D him and I just feel like I'm running out of time. The longer we are separated the harder things would be if he did want to R. I guess I was trying to hurry things along. It has been 84 days today since he left. I don't feel any different. In fact, I think I feel more devastated now than I did on day 1.

This will be hard for you, but right now you don't. He isn't interested in your emotions. He doesn't want to hear them. So you can either spew at him anyway and give him more reasons to distance himself, or you can bite your tongue for a bit and avoid driving him away further. I know you have emotional needs and as a husband he isn't meeting them. I get it. He has told you that he doesn't want to be your husband.

If this changes in the future then you biting your tongue won't be the model of how the relationship would work. If the time comes when he is interested in reinvesting in a marriage with you then you'd get professional help to find ways to express your voice in constructive ways. That day may never come, and it isn't today. So if you want to scream, scream on the forum, not to him.

OK, I understand what you have put here, thank you. I feel like I get 'told off' here though if I vent. It seems like I have to be all happy GAL even on here, if not more so than in real life.

Detaching doesn't have much to do with him. It has to do with you. For you I think two things will help.

First is, as we've said, starting to accept your H's decisions. The more you can let him be the less of your energy will be spent on him.

OK, I kind of see what you mean here but how do I put this into practice? I'm acting happy when he comes round. I don't talk to him unless he starts a conversation (except the finance conversation we had on Friday). Yet he is chatty and starts conversations and seems to think I'm OK with it. I'm not. It is killing me. Does this mean I should go out every time he comes?

Second, GAL really is crucial to detachment. The point of it isn't to distract yourself. It is to meet your emotional needs elsewhere. Look- suppose you were in a desert, and you had an empty water bottle. You could keep trying to drink from the empty water bottle, but that doesn't do anything. It would just be frustrating because there is no water there. BUT- if you could find another source of water...maybe there is a juicy cactus you could break open with a rock...you could get the water you needed. Suddenly the appeal of an empty water bottle would fade. Similarly, if you reconnect with friends you haven't seen for a while, get involved in your church and help others, whatever, you will find other ways in meeting your emotional needs of being heard, understood, known, appreciated, respected, whatever. As you meet those needs your H will no longer look like the sole provider of everything you want and need in your life. He will start to look like a man. A man that you would like a M with...but not unconditionally with continuous affairs. A man that you can accept makes his own decisions and one you could live without if he so chooses. But then you'd be in a healthy spot, so he'd have more reason to believe that a M with you could work out.

I feel that I get the emotional needs you speak of met at work and from my family. It is the actual emotional need of being in love, feeling safe and looked after, being held, that I am not getting met. I cannot get those things anywhere else than my H. This is where I'm struggling. When I'm doing my GAL activities, which mostly involve my children, I am genuinely happy doing them. There is just this huge void where his love used to be.

Your plan seems to be that H needs to come back and do things the way you need him to do them so your M works. That's not really stepping up on your end.

I don't want him to do things the way I need him to if he came back. It's just that I don't see how I can step up and be the best wife I can if he doesn't come back. Without him I'm not a wife, I'm a Mum, a single Mum.

I will do as you say and post about the M breakdown in a separate thread so it stands out. Thanks Zues.