[BrightFuture]

I feel like crying today. It is windy, rainy, and dark outside. I don’t like this weather, it makes me sad. It feels extremely lonely today, it feels like nobody can understand what I’m feeling. One of my GF’s has been texting me latterly asking me what plans I have my upcoming b-day this year. I will be turning 50. I’m not sure what she has in mind. I actually dread the very thought of it. I’m getting old, I’m separated, I don’t have a companion, it is increasingly more difficult for me to even find anybody I would like… I don’t even know if I can have fun on my b-day.

My other GF tried to call me last night too. I was at my sister’s and missed the call. I sent her a message later, asking if she needed anything specific and if it was urgent (like it was with her in the past when she needed to vent.) She replied back saying that she just wanted to talk. I have a bit of resentment going on with her. I was always there for her, picking up the phone and spending time with her when she was distressed, upset, needed to vent, needed to talk… She’s being cutting me off recently, she doesn’t want to hear about my feelings and my stuff, because she thinks that I’m going in circles. She texted me once “I wish that you would already let it go”.

Yesterday at my sister’s, my BIL mentioned something about H. I can’t even remember what it was, but instead of getting involved in the conversation, I said that “H is the history” which essentially ended that conversation. I seemed like my BIL was very pleased to hear me say that. So, I think, was my sister. And it made me very upset. Why are people happy when I’m still hurting?

Oh well, I’m just having one of these bad days…