Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[ciluzen]

Zues says:

Work on yourself. There is more to the DB journey, but this would at least avoid driving him away further or doing more damage to a hurt marriage. From here I'd like to hear you write out much more about the dynamics in the marriage, where your behavior was unhealthy, why you acted that way (what was at the root of it), and some things you can do to grow as a person so those same things wouldn't happen again. I'm 18 months post BD and still ask myself every day "If I was in my M again could I handle myself better?" I still am not confident of that, so I keep trying to find ways to understand why I was so needy or reactive in my M, how I can mend myself, how I can meet my needs elsewhere to reduce pressure on my partner, why I feel the need to cling to my idea on how love and relationships work. I have read many R books, have really challenged myself, and I'm still scared that I don't have the tools to make an R work. Your plan seems to be that H needs to come back and do things the way you need him to do them so your M works. That's not really stepping up on your end.

Inpain,

As I've said before, we are so similar...our H's are very similar. What Zues is telling you is very, very true. We cannot control this situation. We have to let go, or we will be consumed by anger, despair and fear. We will cease to function in a mentally healthy way. I know this because I let it happen...again. And I sort of thought I was strong enough to handle it.

At this point I've had my H file after what I thought were some good interactions. As much as I tried not to, I grew hopeful and had those lovely expectations of him changing his mind. After receiving my papers, I hit a lower low than ever before. I plummeted. And, because he still cares, he felt the need to call me so I begged and pleaded, defended and explained. Not as strong as I thought, eh?

I know what to do as far as DBing, but desperation made me weak. I even knew it would firm his stance, but I did it anyway.

Now I have no choice...I have to go dark. Its all I have left.

I really hope you can try to let go...don't overthink his every move or believe that his hanging around is a sign of changing his mind. Its the comfort of the familiar. My H told me through tears a few days after filing that he almost invited me to dinner (because he was hungry and lonely and tired). Comfort in the familiar. We are old habits...and they do care for us. They just don't believe we can change from the things that drove them to leave.

Let him go, IP. Its probably the only hope.