I have no posted on here for a while, as I have been extremely busy and have had very little time to do anything. As of September, I am employed again and the company is running me ragged. I work OT hours, but don't get OT since I am salaried. The pay is not that high either and I am still paying ExW a significant amount. She is also still living with her parents (16 months now) and doesn't pay a dime in rent or utilities. I also just found out from my D (who just started at a new high school) that she gets free lunch. I asked her why that is and she said "because my mom is poor". Last night I looked into the school lunch program and she would fit the requirements if she were living on her own, but since she lives with her parents (who make well over $100k), she doesn't qualify. I am fuming over this, as that is what the support is supposed to cover. She has applied for a low-income apartment, but has still not moved in. I don't really think she wants to.
our communication with each other has been touch-and-go. We were sharing things with each other and having casual friendly conversations via e-mail and text, but as of a couple weeks ago, I just stopped. I did it because I have thought about everything she has done and how she destroyed the family and I just got mad. She got nearly $100K in assets and I got stuck with a house payment on a house that needs a lot of repairs. She also got 50% of the military retirement I earned while we were married. I am 50, and as a reservist I cannot collect until I am 60 (even though I have done more than 32 years). She feels entitled, but I do not see it that way because I was in for 14 years before we were married and the retirement is based on what I accomplished before that. I put in a lot of had work and time in order to get to that point. She also still does not have a job and claimed to the courts that she has been a stay-at home mom for the entire time and it will take her many years to earn anything more than something like a a house cleaning job would pay. She was nearly 26 when we married (43 now). She earned BA in business during her first marriage. The courts should have taken into account that she should have learned SOMETHING between 18 and 26. Additionally, she has already spent the money to send to the attorney who will be dividing the military retirement points, even though she claims to be "poor".
I realize the above sounds like a rant (and it is), but she seems to be getting meaner as time goes on. I have tried to read as much as possible about MLC and am still trying to understand it, but still am not ready to give up, as I want what I thought I had. She has sent mixed messages in the past 16 months about some sort of future together, but at this point seems like she wants to be enemies. She WILL NOT co-parent. She never really has though. She has been in therapy and has stated that tit will take a long time, but I just don't see her getting any better or realizing how poorly she treats other people as long as she is not on her own and is living with people who enable and encourage her behaviors.
I keep trying to think of ways to reason with her, but it has never worked before and I know it won't work now.
A lot of what I have mentioned about her is the way she has been most of the time I have known her and I am still not convinced it is a MLC. I just don't know. I know there are differing opinions on it and I have talked to different therapists who don't think it is. A couple have suggested BPD.
I have read an article on the stages of MLC and a lot of it (and what I have read here) seems to fit her personality, but I am still not sure.
I guess my question to those of you on here who may be more knowledgeable than I, is is it typical for a MLCr to become angrier and push back even more while continuing to push buttons using projective identification in order to prompt a negative response? I know I may have a false hope here, but I have never been good at not getting sucked into arguments and not allowing things to escalate. It seems like she wants to make me angry and I don't see ANY hope for a future if we continue to go to war. It is also difficult for me to not be upset with her after all she has done.
My kids also think I am a bad guy because I make them pick up after themselves. They won't do a thing here and the think I don't do enough.
I hope my post was organized enough to understand. I would appreciate any advice/insights. I am open to suggestions , but if you feel like battering me or criticizing, please don't post, as I have really had enough of that. I am coming here for support and true advice and don't really want to feel the need to defend myself. If clarification is needed, please ask. Thank you.
