KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Most of the people I "knew" from earlier are over here now, maybe it's time to open something up here. I might need it in the coming days/weeks all things considered. I'll copy below what I just posted in my old "Newcomers" thread, with some edits. And don't believe for a second that just because I sound semi-rational below that I have it all figured out I've been a hot crying mess the past week, lost 3 lbs, and can barely keep it together... but I keep trying so that's the important thing.


Ah... finding myself back here after a tough week. My relationship of six months ended last weekend. This was my first relationship since D (and also only the 2nd person I've slept with besides XH so.. a lot of emotions and attachment tied up into this one). I knew there were some problems and I went into the conversation wanting to talk about them and figure out how we could address them (because I really did love the guy, I realized) but he decided that some things were "red flags" for him and he "didn't see this working long-term."

I know I can't blame it all on myself - this was his first in-person relationship (he would meet people online through gaming and have long-distance relationships with only one or two in-person meetups) so I think our expectations about time spent together, communication, staying connected, etc. weren't quite in synch, and it was probably somewhat overwhelming for him. He sent a lot of mixed messages - he would talk about inviting me to holidays, or maybe moving in together, but then would say he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in this same city or not and wanted to "move slowly." Ultimately I don't think we were on the same page of what we wanted and where we were in life. He had just finished his bachelor's degree in May (at age 30) and was just in his first full-time job this fall, and was very focused on spending time building that up.

I noticed I started to fall back into some of the same patterns of being a little too clingy - it started to fall apart when I got more serious about the relationship and started getting frustrated by things like only seeing him twice a week and very little contact in-between - him disappearing all night with no texts and no idea where he might be until the next day when I'd ask what he was up to.. and then I was told I was prying. The big difference from my M, though - I didn't feel like I needed to see him or talk to him all the time and didn't get all anxious about him having alone time or wanting to hang out with friends. I was moreso bothered by the fact that he just couldn't tell me before or after the fact so I'd either be left waiting wondering if he was going to get in touch with me or want to hang out, or it be a complete mystery aftewards. He didn't really want to share much about his day-to-day life and even said "This is weird for me and doesn't really seem that important - I've never had someone care about what I do before."

So, I guess I have some thinking to do there - I could have probably been more laid-back about it but after 6 months, I also felt like it was time to move forward. I don't think I am being too crazy - just need to find someone that is in synch with what I value. I felt like I did a good job of fairly communicating my wants and needs without attacking. He would tell me he understood and that my needs were important and things would adjust for awhile.. but then he'd go back to the same distant behavior.

So, back to the drawing board I guess. It's been tough. I want him back all of the time right now. But I know from DBing and this board and everything else that the best thing I can do is to let him go, and re-learn being happy on my own. He was a great guy but maybe it just wasn't the right time for either of us. If things change for him and he pulls his sh*t together and wants back in he knows where to find me.... and I know what I would want in order for it to work.