Thanks Sandi. I guess it's a bit comforting to know it's not all rainbows and sunshine on the other end. So is this something I leave for her to deal with? Let her come to me? Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?
Trust me when I say that it is definitely not all rainbows and sunshine on her end. And b/c it isn't, her emotions will be all over the place. She may appear to be excited and happy one minute and crying the next.
Of course it is difficult for you to observe, b/c you still love her. It is only natural to want to comfort those we love when we see them hurting. For men who are fixers, they have that strong desire to fix what's wrong in the W's life. I hope you will believe me when I tell you that if you try to comfort, reassure, or fix what's bothering your WW..........you will repeat the pain again. She has to experience these moments where she can actually "see" part of the results of her own decisions. If those results are cushioned by you (the betrayed), then more callous grows in the wayward wife. For example, if you had gotten out of the car, went to her and put your arms around her and told her everything would be alright...........she would quickly cast aside the picture of her family driving away. She would feel better b/c you reassured her, so she would escape into her wayward fantasy further. However, with you calmly driving off with her little boy waving bye to her, she has to drive that road back to her place, uncomforted, and alone with her thoughts to question if seeking her happiness is worth this price tag she just witnessed.
It usually takes more than just this one-time event to stick in her heart deep enough to cause her to measure her losses and decide to do the right thing. The WW may test her LBH to see if he's still invested in the M. Most men mistakenly think they should let her know they still want to work it out. They see this "test" as her reaching out to the LBH, and their own fear collapses the opportunity to confirm her concern.......which is that she may be lossing the best man, her H, and it was all due to her stupidity. If he does not cave to her tears, sexual advances, or her woes, then she is much more likely to want him back enough to start swimming her way back toward him. She starts to see him in a more attractive light. She feels remorse for the awful things she's done to him. She is humbled. His forgiveness would be a gift to her.....but she realizes she doesn't deserve it. (I could go on & on.)
So, yes, you let her deal with her own sh't. She made the mess, so she needs to put on her big girl panties and clean it up. If you try to do it for her, she will act just like a spoiled child who has parents who never lets him fall down and he never learns to walk. Sure, no parent likes to see their baby fall down, but they understand it is necessary in order for her to stand and to walk.
It is for her sake and the good of the MR that she comes to you. It may take a couple of years before she works through this stuff. My advice is for you to make your life the best that you can without her. Let her go, and let her find her way back to you. You don't have to stop loving her. If you want to give her time, that's fine. But don't let her know that's what you are doing. Don't just sit around with your life on hold. You don't have to give up hope. Just let her go for now. B/c...........the WW senses when the LBH has truly dropped the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
