No, no...this was before she knew he was married. She was furious with him when she found out and wanted nothing to do with him after that. She told me about trying to get pregnant when we were comparing stories originally about what he had told each of us about each other.
I can't imagine actually having to deal with an unintended OW pregnancy, Rain. I am so sorry. I will admit, that is something that has always worried me since I realized H had cheated. Because what if she wasn't the only one, and some kid turns up on my door step someday calling my H dad? Yeesh...
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Originally Posted By: annab74
Originally Posted By: Rain75
His ow didn't want a fling she wanted my life and a marriage. She was very up front about that to him and then admitted it to me.
My H's OW wanted the full blown deal too. She told me she was trying to get pregnant and wanted to have a family with him. :P
Wow. This is when she knew or didn't know that he was marries and already has children?
Anna ow in my case did get pregnant. It was horrible. I can't go through that again. Ever! She lost the pregnancy 4 or 5 months in.
I wouldn't wish it in anyone. Ever. It came on the heels of finding out about the A. Even thinking of it now hurts.
And okay...Thanks for clarifying your sitch. I had similar conversations with ow. Comparing and learning things. Honestly? Knowing certain things has hurt our chances more than I thought it would. We all want to know everything. But then we do and we can't un-know.
And when he says something or does something and it's "less than" what he said or did for/with ow, it's a big big problem.
I advise against talking to APs beyond confirming A. That's just me.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
No, I've been at home. My D is here visiting from out of town. We went and had lunch at IHOP (her choice) and then came home and played board games. Now she's asleep and here I am online but it seems that everyone has already posted and gotten off of here.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Anna, not really sure how I can meet any of his needs now when he doesn't want ANY contact with me. Our R was a little different as I had already separated from him and was living in my own apartment. Mostly, did it for my kids. I still spend hours with H every single day. I was there from the time he got off work till he went to bed. Then, on his days off, I spent the entire day with him...every time! We had sex on a regular basis. I was nice to him. Always tried to engage him in conversations....ask how his day was, etc. but he really wouldnl't tell me much of anything. Just always said it was a bad day, but wouldn't even say why. He was never happy. He would pick at me and bait me on a daily basis until I would finally say something back. Then, he would say "You LIKE to fight." Like it was all MY fault, even though he always started it! I would eventually shut down and just say "Okay" or "Whatever" just to end the argument. Then, he would spend 10 minutes griping at me because "You know I hate it when you say that word. You got that from your brother, and you just do it because you know I don't like it." I would still try to smooth it over and make him happy. I would tell him all about my day, only to be met with "You never tell me anything. You like to keep secrets." Or, I would tell him where I was and he would tell me I was hiding something or that I was lying and that wasn't where I was. I was always being honest about my whereabouts. He accused me of keeping secrets, but that wasn't true either. He got mad if I was playing a game on my phone because he said I was chatting with people. I wasn't, but he never believed me when I tried to reassure him. He was just always calling me a liar or telling me I was hiding something or sneaking around. He made it absolutely miserable for me, but I still tried to be nice. Not sure what he was going through, but that just wasn't the way he had been before. That's why I moved out. Wasn't good for the kids to always see him angry and fighting with me all the time.
Given these circumstances, how could I have possibly been any more supportive of him or met any more of his needs?
After some time had passed, I did TRY on 3 separate occasions to move back in, but was met by resistance on his side so it never happened. He basically said that all decisions would be his to make and if I thought it was bad before, it would be worse now because he would never trust me again. Well Heck yea, sign me up for that! Not!
I know, you guys are wondering why in the world I would want to get him back, but the thing is, he didn't always act that way. He COULD be a really sweet guy. He just seemed so angry and resentful of me because I had moved out. I thought he would be better if I lived there, but he just wouldn't let it happen. Before I had moved out, he was perfectly happy. Most of our fights were about the kids and trying to blend our families together. His kids have moved out and one of mine has moved already and the others will be gone in the next year or so. This really would have been fine if he could have just waited a little longer.
He had given up everything (house, friends, job, etc) to move to where I am so we could be together. I feel like that probably origionally started the insecurity and the beginning of his MLC. He had a job where he was the boss, and moved here to a job where he felt like he was a nobody (I always told him I loved him and was proud of him and was interested in his job-it didn't help). Fast forward about 6 years and I moved out. Some time later.....one of his kids moved out. Then, unfortunately, his last child moved out about 2 or 3 weeks before he started talking to ow. I think that he got "empty nest" issues that, along with our ongoing separation, pushed him farther into his MLC. In retrospect, I now also believe that so much of his anger and resentment toward me (always directed towards ME) was the second stage -ANGER- of the MLC. That's another reason I want to work on our marriage, I honestly believe all the grief we've had is because of this stupid MLC as I know he is a kind and loving person. He just hasn't been able to see his way out of the depression.
Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts on how in the heck I could possibly meet any needs or even influence him slightly, I'm all ears. At this point I can't think of anything I can do. I really can't.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
What was the nature of your M before he left? You said he left suddenly? No fighting or disagreements about anything beforehand?
I've had 5 months since BD to think back. He had definitely pulled back prior to this. Couldn't see it at the time.
The biggest shock for me has been learning about the deception. He was one of the more honest men around. I never had a reason to doubt him.
He had been lying to me for a very long time...months. All the while telling me he loved me. We agreed when we married we would repeat our vows every month on the date.After EA 2 yrs ago, I was hesitant and it was more emotional. But he would still initiate it and we had been intimate until BD. He wasn't always responsive and blamed it on fatigue, work, needing the little blue pill.
At one time, I showed him some worksheets I created after EA asking how things were with us. He said there wasn't anything i could do differently. Everything was fine. And we went on, until BD a few weeks later.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Buttercup, It sounds like you realized he was pulling away and tried to get him to open up to you, but he just wouldn't talk to you about the problem. That has to be frustrating. Did he tell you what the problem was after the BD?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
No, I've been at home. My D is here visiting from out of town. We went and had lunch at IHOP (her choice) and then came home and played board games. Now she's asleep and here I am online but it seems that everyone has already posted and gotten off of here.
Also...this sounds lovely MB. And hey, what's wrong with IHOP? LOL
Also...this sounds lovely MB. And hey, what's wrong with IHOP? LOL
Can you say FATTENING? I've been trying to lose weight, not find it!
I've had a nice visit with my daughter this weekend. I have to work tonight so I won't get to see her much today. That's one reason I tried to spend as much time with her yesterday as I could. Hopefully she will come back soon and not make me wait a month.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB...such a difficult situation. I can definitely understand your frustration with H. Did I read on one of these threads that H has a history of infidelity with previous partners?
Glad you had a nice visit with your D though! IHOP sounds yummy!
Butterc...Sounds like the "everything is fine" was just a tactic to smooth things over so you wouldn't dig around and uncover his deception. In my experience, when they are getting their needs met by the OW, they tend to be more disagreeable and unwilling to talk to you about their problems because they don't need anything from you. It's really hard to do any sort of repair work when they are in that phase. Is H still with OW? I need to read up more on your sitch.
