Thanks for your post, you're right, I am still trying to figure out what he thinks and feels, even though it's hopeless.
What am I doing to keep busy? Well, mostly just enjoying time with my kids. It's hard to think of things to do when I feel so low. It is really an effort to actually get up and do the day to day run of the mill things right now.
My Mum vacillates between agreeing he's having some sort of MLC or is depressed, and thinking he's just a selfish *%*% who is showing his true colours. My Dad is just so disgusted with his behaviour that he just wants him out of our lives.
I am being good at not texting him. I just wish I could, that's all.
Yes, I've done all of the homework that is posted on your first posts. Read it all several times. I keep trying to be the lighthouse - that is the story that spoke to me most for my situation. Not sure if it is just allowing H to cake eat though.
I cried in front of H on Friday. H said before Christmas that he wouldn't be going to a solicitor until certain bills were paid. I do all of the banking and I paid them on Friday. I felt so scared about it, because it felt like those bills were the only thing keeping me from being a divorced person. H came round to see the kids and again acted perfectly happy with me, just like old times, like nothing is wrong. Before he left I asked to speak to him away from the children. I told him the bills were paid so he could go to a solicitor and divorce me now. He looked perplexed and confused. I asked him what was wrong, that I thought he wanted them paying off. He said he did, just didn't expect them to be paid so soon. I told him I can't carry on like this any more. That I need to know how my life is going to be because I'm going to have to claim benefits and things without his money to support me. He said, "I know." He said we'd talk about it on Sunday when he comes round. I told him I just didn't understand why we can't work things out as he acts perfectly happy with me when he comes round. He said that getting on when we don't live together is different to getting on living together. I told him again I'm sorry for my part in our M problems and that I don't want a D and wish we could work things out. I burst into tears and asked him if he realises how hard it is for me to have him coming round almost every day, acting OK with me and the kids and then walking out to another home. He said that he hadn't really thought about it because he's just thinking about himself right now. Could have laughed right there, like he needed to tell me he's only thinking about himself! That has been very apparent since the moment he said ILYBNILWY back in September! He said he was sorry, put a hand on my shoulder and then left.
Before our talk the kids had asked him if we could have a film night over the weekend. So we had that last night and H was still chatting away with me as though nothing is wrong. After the film D and I were playing games and having a lot of fun. There was lots of laughter. He just watched like he was watching a film. Didn't attempt to join in. Then he left.
He is supposed to be coming round again today as it's his weekend off. At least this time he is choosing to spend it seeing the children instead of whatever he's chosen to do on the other 3 weekends off he's had since he left us. Perhaps that's a baby step. I'm wondering if he will actually talk to me about the D and finances like he said on Friday or not. I'm thinking that if I don't bring it up he won't. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to go to a solicitor obviously, but at the same time it is hurting me so much having him come here to see the kids almost every day and act like nothing has changed for the time that he is actually here. I read somewhere on here that they don't wake up out of their 'fog' until they actually lose something. This plays on my mind and makes me want to do something different. I don't feel like allowing him to come and go as he pleases is making him lose anything. Nor is it making him see the reality of the life he is creating if he divorces me. At the moment he hasn't really lost anything so what is there to snap him out of his 'fog'?
