REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#2

[- MB -]

Anna, not really sure how I can meet any of his needs now when he doesn't want ANY contact with me. Our R was a little different as I had already separated from him and was living in my own apartment. Mostly, did it for my kids. I still spend hours with H every single day. I was there from the time he got off work till he went to bed. Then, on his days off, I spent the entire day with him...every time! We had sex on a regular basis. I was nice to him. Always tried to engage him in conversations....ask how his day was, etc. but he really wouldnl't tell me much of anything. Just always said it was a bad day, but wouldn't even say why. He was never happy. He would pick at me and bait me on a daily basis until I would finally say something back. Then, he would say "You LIKE to fight." Like it was all MY fault, even though he always started it! I would eventually shut down and just say "Okay" or "Whatever" just to end the argument. Then, he would spend 10 minutes griping at me because "You know I hate it when you say that word. You got that from your brother, and you just do it because you know I don't like it." I would still try to smooth it over and make him happy. I would tell him all about my day, only to be met with "You never tell me anything. You like to keep secrets." Or, I would tell him where I was and he would tell me I was hiding something or that I was lying and that wasn't where I was. I was always being honest about my whereabouts. He accused me of keeping secrets, but that wasn't true either. He got mad if I was playing a game on my phone because he said I was chatting with people. I wasn't, but he never believed me when I tried to reassure him. He was just always calling me a liar or telling me I was hiding something or sneaking around. He made it absolutely miserable for me, but I still tried to be nice. Not sure what he was going through, but that just wasn't the way he had been before. That's why I moved out. Wasn't good for the kids to always see him angry and fighting with me all the time.

Given these circumstances, how could I have possibly been any more supportive of him or met any more of his needs?

After some time had passed, I did TRY on 3 separate occasions to move back in, but was met by resistance on his side so it never happened. He basically said that all decisions would be his to make and if I thought it was bad before, it would be worse now because he would never trust me again. Well Heck yea, sign me up for that! Not!

I know, you guys are wondering why in the world I would want to get him back, but the thing is, he didn't always act that way. He COULD be a really sweet guy. He just seemed so angry and resentful of me because I had moved out. I thought he would be better if I lived there, but he just wouldn't let it happen. Before I had moved out, he was perfectly happy. Most of our fights were about the kids and trying to blend our families together. His kids have moved out and one of mine has moved already and the others will be gone in the next year or so. This really would have been fine if he could have just waited a little longer.

He had given up everything (house, friends, job, etc) to move to where I am so we could be together. I feel like that probably origionally started the insecurity and the beginning of his MLC. He had a job where he was the boss, and moved here to a job where he felt like he was a nobody (I always told him I loved him and was proud of him and was interested in his job-it didn't help). Fast forward about 6 years and I moved out. Some time later.....one of his kids moved out. Then, unfortunately, his last child moved out about 2 or 3 weeks before he started talking to ow. I think that he got "empty nest" issues that, along with our ongoing separation, pushed him farther into his MLC. In retrospect, I now also believe that so much of his anger and resentment toward me (always directed towards ME) was the second stage -ANGER- of the MLC. That's another reason I want to work on our marriage, I honestly believe all the grief we've had is because of this stupid MLC as I know he is a kind and loving person. He just hasn't been able to see his way out of the depression.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts on how in the heck I could possibly meet any needs or even influence him slightly, I'm all ears. At this point I can't think of anything I can do. I really can't.