NYGal's Adventures Continue

[- MB -]

I can't take any more criticism today for glaring at the stupid ow (sow) or for calling her sow. Or for answering a phone call from W. I love her.

What if all this advice is just cr@p? I'm here to save my M, not just to move on and away from it. I'm sure I will be happy one day. Right now I just want the woman I love and miss so much it feels like a knife in my gut. I'd rather be happy with her if there's any chance in hell.

Oh NYGal, I wish I could give you a hug. You sound like you really need one. I know you're having such a hard time. I'm having a horrible time too. I REALLY want to go see H and make him remember that he loves me. Unfortunately, I have tried that and I KNOW that he's just not open to that right now. I do believe he loves me, but I know he's not going to admit it to himself right now no matter what I do. So frustrating! Don't loose faith though.

I really hope you didn't take my comments this morning as getting on to you or criticizing you. That was never my intention. I'm just trying to help you the only way I can think of. I want you and your W back together just like I want all of our spouses to come back to us.

You wrote this back on 12/24/15.....

For the past two months, she has said that breaking up with me feels like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. When she feels she's loosing me, she has (mostly) seemed to draw closer, and ask "Can we make it?" When I say, yes, I believe we can and it will be better, then she pulls away again.

And.....

I'm trying to see "what works", but she's all over the map.

That's the law of pursuit and distance. That's why people are trying to suggest that you not be so available to her. It really does make them wonder about you and draws them closer. You even noticed this yourself before anyone on here pointed it out. When I had NC with my H for 5 weeks, he was ready to throw the OW away and return to the marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to what everyone on here was saying and when I jumped right back in with both fee (way to eagerly!!!), he dropped me like a hot potato. It really works better to play distant and hard to get. That's all everyone is trying to tell you. They just want you to have the best shot possible to get W to want to return to you instead of ow.

You also posted that you copied this list to review later. Read the entire thing, but especially the last bullet point and your comments below it........

I found this on another thread (For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife) from Sandi2. I'm copying it here because I want to remember it. It describes my SO, who is having an EA (at least) with a work colleague.

*She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same.
*No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows.
*She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you.
*She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums.
*Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment.
*You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk.
*Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her.
*She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again.She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A.
*She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it.
*She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs.
*She will bait her H, and test him.
*She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached.
*She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out.
*She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
*Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away.
*She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue.
*She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions.
* Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions.
*She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest.
*She sees her H as the enemy.
*She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog.
* She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.

I truly hate being someone's plan B. I wish I had the solution. She's nowhere near withdrawal, since the EA is pretty powerful right now. Is the loss she has to suffer me and our dogs? Should I make the decision for her and just move out? Uggghhh. I have made this house a beautiful home, and leaving it (and her) would feel like having my own life cut out of me.

But I guess this is the most important point: *She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
That will be quite an acting job!

The things that you post about her actions are consistent with what you read on this forum. They really do seem to know what they are talking about. They tell you right up front that crying begging, pleading, reasoning, etc pushes them further away. Then, you sit there and think, "hey, that's what I did, and it DID push them away." ...and so on. Please don't get frustrated and give up on DBing. Hang in there with us. So far, it seems to be our best option.

I hope you're feeling better. Take care of yourself!