Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3

[Rain75]

Hi Rain, I think that he is trying to control you, so you are still there. It feels like he wants you as a safety net for himself if he has no other option. You are doing great. Just carry on your path and all will be revealed to you :-)

Hey Rouky...thanks for stopping by. And that is what I'm afraid of. That everything will be revealed and I'll be back where I was during PA revelation. I can't go back there. I was a mess and barely able to function let alone care for my kids properly.

[Rain75]

MB...don't over bubbly it...wise words.

I know logically he is using manipulation. It doesn't change how I feel emotionally though.

I just want to get to the place where although I am open to R, what he does will not affect me the way it does.

[Rain75]

Anna. Thanks. I get what you're saying. And I also know eventually he will stop. He hates being ignored. I just feel lost. I ignore him always when I'm mad at him. So really a 180 for me is to engage, by listening, not arguing and validating. But like I read here somewhere...what is there to validate? His cheating?

Or as (I wish I could remember who) said. Validating something good right now equals to "hey..great job breathing. You do that really well"

Because what else is there right now?!

[Rain75]

I hate weekends! He's somewhere living it up. Using more condoms. A sentence I would have never uttered when I was working? Monday Pleassseee get here!

[annab74]

No, no...stop torturing yourself with those thoughts!!!! Bad Rain!!

He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.

[Rain75]

No, no...stop torturing yourself with those thoughts!!!! Bad Rain!!

He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.

Oh YES of course. That's GOT to be what he's doing. He's home. He's making balloon animals. He's missing me and anxiously awaiting Monday to book appointments for an IC and couples counselor.

Thanks Anna!

LOL

If only.

[Rain75]

I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. I hate all of this. And he is the one that caused it. Why is it so hard for men (women too I know) to stay faithful. I just don't get it. Look at everything he has done, everything he has put me through, our kids through, how many times he has cancelled on them or just not even asked about them. Look at all the money he has given away. And I stayed faithful to him. Through all of it.

I miss the him that he was before all of this. I miss hugs and being kissed. And laying with him to watch a movie. I miss hanging out with friends and passing each other and grabbing hands for a second. I'm sitting here crying and wishing I didn't miss him.

I want to move on and accept it. I really do. He doesn't deserve my tears. But he gets them anyway. I wish things would have turned out differently.

I wish.

[Rain75]

I am so glad that I posted that here and let myself cry. Then I read some and will take a steamy hot bath in a little while.

I wanted to text him but I didn't. Even if I break tomorrow, I did good today. LOL

He virtually stalks me...unless he is otherwise engaged....he hasn't since 8pm. Maybe that's why I got so upset and emotional earlier.

Looking forward to when it's me out on a Saturday night!

[annab74]

I hope you're feeling better... A hot bath will probably feel wonderful!

You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.

[- MB -]

Rain, I hate that you're feeling so hurt tonight. I have those nights too. I was feeling that way earlier today. Then, started playing a game with the kids and it took my mind off of it for a bit. I have NOT driven by there today. WooHoo...a full 24 hours!!!!!

I hate thinking about him having sex with that skanky b that he's cheating on me with. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE that he is being so intimate wth someone that's not me. I especially hate that he's pushing me away while drawing closer to her. But, AT LEAST you know that he's using condoms. I'm sure my H doesn't care enough to do that. He will get whatever that whore has and bring it to me if we ever get back together.

The point of honestly and truly detaching and GAL is so you can grow and become strong and independent enough to be happy on your own whether or not this relationship works out. BELIEVE ME, I know how hard and seemingly impossible this is. Anyone following my thread on here KNOWS that I have not been able to do this just yet. I think a lot of it is because I don't WANT to let go. I don't WANT to move on. I don't WANT any of this at all. I just want to go back to my marriage, and my husband, and my house and just live my life like it was supposed to be. I just can't make him want that too. And, you can't make your F want the same things that you want. I wish we could, but we can't. The best we can do is work toward actually detaching and moving on. Hopefully, they will wake up before we are too far along that we are actually not open to them any more. And, if they don't, at that point we won't care what they do, or want, or who they want to be with.

This is horrible, sad, completely unfair, etc.....but, it is the hand that they are forcing us to play. So, let's get on with it as best we can. And, when we fall, we can pick each other up. I am hurting and lost just like you are. I am not strong right now, but I know I can be, and you can too.