I can't talk to you as someone who has saved my marriage because all I have managed to do thus far is to get my H to pause on divorce. But here is my take, for whatever it's worth-- DB isn't about saving your marriage. It's about saving *yourself.*
When you are a parent flying on an airplane, they tell you in case of emergency, put your own mask on before you try to help your child. That's because you can't help your child if you're passed out or dead yourself.
You cannot fix your marriage until you fix YOURSELF first. There is a reason W left. There is a reason she was vulnerable to OW. Until you figure out why, and how to better meet her needs next time around, it doesn't matter if you could somehow make her come back to you. The M would still fail to meet her needs, she would still be unhappy, and she would most likely leave you again someday.
I'm sorry if you feel criticized. I feel certain no one here means for you to feel that way. We all know your pain. We all want to help. And those of us who are further down the road than you have already tried pursuing, making ourselves too available, trying to nice the WAP home, and have seen those things don't work. Sometimes NOTHING is going to work. You can DB perfectly and your spouse is just done. It's not something any of us wants to hear or consider, but it's reality. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but we also have to be realistic. There is nothing we can do to make them come home. As infuriating as it can be, they are free agents who can decide to walk out on us, stop loving us, and throw away the lives and families we've spent a lifetime building together. That's the risk in loving another person. They don't have to love you back. Since we can't control our partners, we have to concentrate on the only outcome that's under our command--ourselves. You pick yourself up and find some way to be OK and know you are a loving and valuable human being with or without your W. That's what DB is for.
