..., and obviously lacks in morals because she came walking into my house with my husband there like she owned both of them and didn't mind crushing my heart at all. Not classy at all. He is definitely trading DOWN. What an idiot he is.
I agree. The way they take over our lives without a care in the world means they are sick, sad people. It's such a sad state of "affairs" (haha) that people are so selfish and willing to wreck other's lives with their greediness. It just brings chaos and misery on all sides. Any R that starts as an affair will always have that black mark on its soul. If it has a soul at all.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
What's really sad is the OPs that don't even want the WAS, they never intend to continue with the relationship as it is just a fling for them. How selfish to wreck lives and families for something that is just a fling to them.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I know that he's already gone. frown. I have stopped begging, pleading, crying, etc. Haven't done any of that since he ended it the second time. And, then, it was only a brief thing just that night and not again after that. Any of the "checking on him" that I do, he doesn't know about and I will never admit it to him.
He may not know you are "checking on him" but that's not the point. You do. And by allowing him real estate in your head, you are making yourself more unhappy. I know it isn't easy for any of us, but we really only hurt ourselves by obsessing over them. Besides...your thoughts and feelings come out in your attitude, demeanor, and body language. You are telling your H far more than you realize without even saying a word. Focus on things that are going to build you up and make you feel better...not what's going to drag you down and make you even sadder. Your PMA will shine through and THAT will be attractive to H.
Originally Posted By: - MB -
And, in response to what you wrote, I ALREADY AM the most attractive option for him right now. You should see the OW! What in the world does he see in her? WHY would he ever pick her over me? I have so much more going for me than she does. I will never understand what he's thinking.
MB, I am certain you are fabulous! But I wasn't just talking about physical attractiveness or superficial stats. People don't leave relationships where their needs are being met. That's not saying it's your fault or you did anything wrong (although I think we all have room to improve and grow), but for whatever reason, OW is meeting a need for your H that he wasn't finding in your M. Like with my H, the woman he had an A with was very plain in appearance and grossly obese. I don't mean to sound unkind, but she was not a conventionally attractive woman by any means. But she knew how to stroke his ego and build him up as a man during a time when I was offering him disapproval. I've always been complimented on my appearance, am college educated, and am in a professional field. OW had a high school education and a part time job in retail. But that did not keep my H from straying to her. His need for validation was stronger than anything on our respective "resumes." When I say be the most attractive option, I mean as a person who can meet your H's needs. No one wants to come home to a sad sack of a person who can't offer them a reason to be there. You have lots of things going for you and that is terrific. So what reasons can you give him to want to be there? What needs can you meet? Can you be more attractive and accomplished than OW AND meet the needs that OW is filling? Just some food for thought...
Anna's right. XF ow was/is terribly unattractive. His friends and family were in shock. However I believe she met his needs when I didn't. She was a great ego stroker. Seriously. I was too once upon a time.
And after PA ended I tried again but I knew something was not right. So I stopped. I figured if he was still cheating then I am not doing this with him. So he ate it all up even more.
I was that sad sack he hated to come home to. She was a cheerleader type of personality that put him on a pedestal. Even when they argued about me, if she saw he was a little too upset she would stop and start stroking. His ego and more. Ugh
Sick and sad but true.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
And, in response to what you wrote, I ALREADY AM the most attractive option for him right now. You should see the OW! What in the world does he see in her? WHY would he ever pick her over me? I have so much more going for me than she does. I will never understand what he's thinking.
So what reasons can you give him to want to be there? What needs can you meet? Can you be more attractive and accomplished than OW AND meet the needs that OW is filling? Just some food for thought... [/quote]
Not meaning to hijack your thread MB ...Annab, would you mind expanding on this a little? How can one meet their WAS's needs when you're(I'm) not left with a clue as to what was this unmet need in the first place? Especially when they leave suddenly without warning?
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
No, no...this was before she knew he was married. She was furious with him when she found out and wanted nothing to do with him after that. She told me about trying to get pregnant when we were comparing stories originally about what he had told each of us about each other.
I can't imagine actually having to deal with an unintended OW pregnancy, Rain. I am so sorry. I will admit, that is something that has always worried me since I realized H had cheated. Because what if she wasn't the only one, and some kid turns up on my door step someday calling my H dad? Yeesh...
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Originally Posted By: annab74
Originally Posted By: Rain75
His ow didn't want a fling she wanted my life and a marriage. She was very up front about that to him and then admitted it to me.
My H's OW wanted the full blown deal too. She told me she was trying to get pregnant and wanted to have a family with him. :P
Wow. This is when she knew or didn't know that he was marries and already has children?
Anna ow in my case did get pregnant. It was horrible. I can't go through that again. Ever! She lost the pregnancy 4 or 5 months in.
What was the nature of your M before he left? You said he left suddenly? No fighting or disagreements about anything beforehand?
Would it be possible to talk to your H and ASK him where he felt there was room for improvement in your M? You wouldn't want it to come across like you were pursuing H, so you could pose it as though you are simply trying to see where you need to grow and change to be better for your next relationship (even though you hope your next relationship will be the same guy!).
If you can't ask, or H isn't willing to talk, I think starting with the very basic needs for validation, acceptance, admiration, friendship, and fun are all great places to start. Some of these are going to be difficult, if not impossible to meet off the bat, but every interaction is an opportunity to lay the groundwork and take baby steps. The thing to remember is, when you have been in a R for a long time and have lived without having your emotional needs met, it can be a lot like what happens when your body goes without having it's physical needs met. If you don't eat for a little while, you get really hungry...you're starving! But after an extended period of time without food, you lose the sensation of being hungry. Your stomach shrinks. You stop feeling the desire for food. And when you try to start eating again, you have to stick to very small portions and build back up to full meals or else the food makes you sick. The same idea applies here. Partners who haven't had their needs met eventually lose the desire to have you meet their needs at all. So you have to start small...you can't just swoop back in and meet all your H's needs at once. But you can use every available opportunity to lay a new foundation and then build on that.
