WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[trumpet]

Wife didn't really want to talk to me when I got home last night, but did say 'hi' from the couch.

Crock pot dinner - soup. It was great. I had a bowl and then cleaned up supper. I was the last to eat. She had unplugged the crock pot, so I could have said something that my supper was cold, but I didn't.

Ate, cleaned up, and then was headed downstairs. She came down to talk with me, but I really wasn't in the mood. She asked me when i was going to sign the hold on the divorce. I told her 'I don't know'.

I cried after she left. I'm just really sad right now. Not sad that she left me alone - I wanted to be alone, just hurt by her and her words when I thought we were trying to piece things together.

It's too early to piece.

I also discovered from FB messages to a couple of her girlfriends that she doesn't think this is going to work. THEN WHY PUT A STAY IN THE DIVORCE? It's really frustrating when she tells me she wants to make it work, and then tells others it isn't. It makes trusting her even harder. And it makes it tough when she does give a little effort and tries to talk with me - is this just her giving a half-hearted attempt to show that she is, but really she's just waiting out the 90 days and will start the D up again?

I've asked her repeatedly to show effort, but she has no clue how to - she is just so hurt, since she had to give up the OM.

I'm not looking forward to meeting up with our pastor on Monday night - I'm feeling very deflated, and I won't be able to really do any work at R the M if she's still in a place where she hates my guts, and still loves OM.

Georgia - yes, our marriage has been tough. We both had needs that went completely unmet. I'm high sex drive, and having sex once in 3 years, and about a half dozen times in the last 10 is something that made me feel very unloved. I also was scared of how mean my wife could be - how every night I came home, there was going to be yet another thing I didn't do, some project around the house that still wasn't done, and I would be reminded of it. The words 'If you really loved me you would do x,y,z' would daily come out of her mouth, telling me that her love was only available if all her conditions were met.

I don't want that love anymore. I'm done trying to 'win' love by completing a never-ending task list. At least one of those tasks was to mind-read and figure out what my wife needed without asking her. If I dared to ask, it was 'I don't know - you figure it out'.

I'm so done trying to mind-read. I'm exhausted. And NOT signing the stay order is on my mind right now.

I believe that we should stay married. I believe divorce is really, really bad. But I just can't stay with a partner who has so many insecurities that they have to make love conditional, that the words 'make love' aren't dirty words. That hugging and kissing are something that's ok to do, and not held over my head like a sledgehammer.

I'm so done with this right now.