Wife is in love with another man

[shreeve]

Thanks Azzork and Zues. Azzork, it was more to do with what I was going through spiritually at the time of her BD. I had no anger or resentment, just forgiveness in my heart. I do see that she feels guilty and some part of her must recognize that she is irrationally justifying this selfish behavior. Over the last few days, I have had the chance to attend my divorce support group and spoken with a faith based and non-faith based counselor. It has given some clarity about the disrespect she has shown to me, my marriage, and our families. Her constant indifference and coldness are helping me realize that as well. If it was all so right and justified, I don't see why she would be giving me the house and helping me financially.

Zues, I have spent the last few days reading over the advice from Sandi2 about the LBS with WW. It's been incredibly eye opening. I cannot find where a new thread was started after the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" ended. Is that conversation continued somewhere?

Although I did forgive her at the time, I was compelled to tell her that the decision was wrong, devastating to many, and of course it fell on deaf ears. I still had to tell her as at some point she will face reality and may remember my words.

Zues you are correct and I honestly appreciate your "slap in the face" advice. It helps me a lot. No, I would not support her addictive behavior, but cannot change my response to learning of the affair.

Yes, my spiritual and moral beliefs see that her decision is wrong and selfish. I did have a chance to let her know these feelings and did tell her.

My most recent counseling session left me with a book to read through, specifically the infidelity part. This, in conjuction with sandi2's wealth of information helped me see the reality of my situation with greater clarity. There is definitely no chance that my wife will suffer loss that makes her recognize the truth about her decision. The work to repair the marriage would be 10x harder than getting the divorce. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do the work, but I realize that she will not.

My focus is 100% on me, and my counselor does help me with actions plans / boundaries. I am at the point of acceptance (I hope), and I just want to be able to sleep again without sleeping pills and be able to get back to 100% productivity at work. I really got that conviction from counseling / reading / sandi2's threads and a lot of the responses and situation in her threads. I looked at the timelines in the signatures and got an idea of the length of the journey that lies ahead for me. My friends / family are very surprised with the changes that are happening with me and I want to continue to improve. I do have a positive outcome in my future regardless of my marriage situation.

Last night, when wife came by to drop the dogs off, I didn't have any urges to hug / small talk / ask questions. I was very confident / cordial, and kind of rushed her out of the house without looking at her much or making much eye contact. This helped so much. Before, I would sit and listen and try to be a "friend". I would get very difficult emotions when she left. After hurrying her out the door last night, I never had any difficulty with my emotions, so I felt it was a confirmation that it is the best path for me. I am not her friend, I am her husband (for a couple more months anyway). I do deserve respect and loyalty, and she has not given that. I do realize that we will have to have more discussions in the near future about my refinance / signing divorce papers / doing our last year's taxes. I will continue to be cordial and keep my discussions strictly "business".

If anybody knows where the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" headed after the last page was closed, could you let me know. I can't get enough of sandi2's wealth of information, and want to continue following the poster's stories. It has helped me a lot.