NYGal's Adventures Continue

[NYGal]

Thanks Rain. I was owning it, and sow did look like a poor substitute for me. What is W thinking? But bottom line I'm still here in this little room alone and missing my W and my life. With a headache unable to sleep. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. I can't even think what to write here, and usually this helps me feel better. Such a mix of emotions. In November and December I was just spinning. Thinking if I could just say the right thing or do the right thing I'd get what I want. But I didn't get what I want.
On Monday, when W came by, I had great hope. Now I don't know. Nothing has changed, just my mood. I'm glad sow wasn't sitting with W and our friends. When I saw her she was alone. But for all I know she's in my bed right now. I want to call W but I won't. It's the middle of the night and there's nothing to say. The weekends are so hard. This all is so hard. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of crying and feeling miserable. Even GAL just gets me through moments. I still feel empty.

W called again before I left work BTW. With another inane house question. At least I ended the call quickly. WTH???

[- MB -]

Oh cr@p. I just stalked sow's calendar. We're all on Outlook and I can see when she's busy. It looks like she's out the same days W is out in early March. I know there are countless possible explanations, but it's making me sick. It's when there is an out of town event we always went to together. I hope I'm wrong. And this is why you all tell us not to do these things, I know that.

Yep, just like when I drove by and saw OW truck. Shame, shame, shame...you know better! And, stop mind reading. You're just guessing and could be wrong. Stop it!

Note to self: Remember this truism- In the absence of information, we make up stuff.

Yep, exactly. I think I need to write this on my bathroom mirror in big letters. That way I can remember it. You should do the same. LOL

No W sighting at the end of the work day, but she called. With another trivial house question. I wish I hadn't answered.

NYGal, you HAVE GOT TO start playing just a bit hard to get! Stop being so available for her. At least make her think that you are busy!!! When she call, don't answer the phone. Let her leave a voice mail message. Wait a couple of hours and then call her back. She will sit there and wonder what you're doing. Instead, you answer the second she calls and she knows that you're never too busy to talk to her. That is not what you want her to think. You want her to think you're too busy doing something or with someone and can't answer.

I hate that you didn't have a good time at t he game. You're letting W ruin your time. When you're there, sit in a row that is in. Her same section and then sit down about 5 rows. She can't eavesdrop and you can't see or hear her. Then, just enjoy the game.

[Rain75]

W is getting her NYGal fix with the walk bys and calls. You shouldn't be so available like Wonka, Azzork and MB said. (and MB needs to stop driving by too!).

And was it Azzork? Suggested you should get coffee when it's her scheduled walk by time? Think about it. Espcially since it bums you out that she purposefully was looking away. You would have never know had you been away from your desk.

And the calls. Maybe don't answer all of them? Or if you do let it be just to rush her off (especially on the weekends). I just don't want her to think she's got you in that box Ancaire talks about. Where we are meant to stay put in so that if and when they're done "playing" with their new toy, they know where to find us. F that!

Didn't you just tell MB her best chance is that her husband has to believe he lost her?

I feel for you NYGal. The nights and weekends are the hardest for sure. ((((hugs my friend))))

[Azzork]

Walked into the arena, decided to do a loop on the concourse. There was the sow.
i mean I get that you don't like OW. But I don't think that calling her names is helping you move forward. You seem stuck thinking that if it weren't for OW, then you would be the happy couple again. I'm not sure that's necessarily true. Even if they break up right now, that doesn't mean your R with W will improve any. How can you remove your focus from OW?

We passed each other. Caught each other's eye. She looked like sh!t. I swear, she did not look good. Then my friend and I stopped and we're looking over the arena, and up behind me comes W. She pats me on the shoulder and continues walking. Friend and I head back around, and there is sow sitting high up in all her ugly a$$ glory. Frizzy mouse brown hair. I swear, Wonka, I was rocking the leather jacket, cool scarf, black boots, curly hair, stylin'. So I go down the aisle, catch sow's eye and glare, and she actually tries a little wave.
To continue, this feels like you're trying to compete with OW. Why bother? We all know she's beneath you. What are you trying to prove by giving mean stares? W and OW will just go home and laugh about it. Why give them even the time of day?

I kept on, right down to court side and sat with friends in chairs right on the floor. ( I still have my 'family of athletic department staff pass'.) Hugged friends, laughed, like I owned the place. W is sitting up in the stands opposite me. Sow is who knows where. I never saw her again. She may have left.
Game was awful. AND I was self- conscious the whole time. Friend and I left early, went out for a beer and we both cried over our lost loves. All in all, quite the pitiful evening actually.
I sincerely hate this drama. I just want my old life back and I miss my W so much. Screamed profane words all the way home in my car. Throat hurts. Feel like crying some more. This absolutely blows. Not sorry I went to the game, but oh this blows.
yes. It certainly does blow. There's nothing really that can prepare you for it. But that doesn't mean that going backwards is an option. And who is to say that the life you led is better than the life you will lead? I know, for me, it wasnt. I'm telling you, you have to give W and OW physical, mental and emotional space. That's the only way you will break through and start healing.

I look forward to the day when you won't be able to tell me whether W walked by your office.

[annab74]

No, no, no NYGal...no mean glares. Don't give OW the pleasure of knowing you are hurt or thinking she "won." She is beneath your notice. Walk around like you own the place, laugh and joke with your friends, and pretend OW is an insignificant little bug who you wouldn't waste the time or effort to squash.

I also like the idea of getting coffee or being away from your office during W's normal walk-by time. If she's walking by to get a NYGal fix, she's definitely going to notice when you aren't there and start wondering why. Oooh...maybe you are out having coffee or lunch with the hot, young co-worker that you brought to the game. Of course, you're not...but wouldn't it be nice to let her do a little of the obsessing that you've been doing for the last couple months...wondering who and what you're doing? Mystery is attractive. Stop making yourself available to her. She has lost the privilege of NYGirl right now and she can't just come back and get a fix whenever she wants. She has to earn her way back.

I totally feel you on hating the drama and just wanting your old life back. I'm with you. But this is the life we have right now, and there are no quick fixes. Take what you have this moment and rock it!! Who wouldn't be attracted to a gorgeous girl out there smiling, having a blast and living an amazing, full life??

P.S. I thought "sow" was for the literal meaning...pig. lol

[Rouky]

Just a thought, why would you want your old life back? Is it because you are scared of the unknown? We are already at the bottom of the ocean, so what are our options: stay down there and feel this way for the rest of our life OR trying to swim back to the surface?

I know you can't see it now, but it will get better. I'm nearly one year in this, and I'm not there yet but life is better then a year ago.

Keep faith :-)

[NYGal]

I want my old life back because it was good, great even. W has lost her mind. Thanks Rouky for visiting.

I can't take any more criticism today for glaring at the stupid ow (sow) or for calling her sow. Or for answering a phone call from W. I love her.

What if all this advice is just cr@p? I'm here to save my M, not just to move on and away from it. I'm sure I will be happy one day. Right now I just want the woman I love and miss so much it feels like a knife in my gut. I'd rather be happy with her if there's any chance in hell.

If someone sees this and has actually saved their M, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise are we just sheep in some cult or something? Taking advice from people whose marriages failed? I wish we could all get the spouses we love back. Some of us are still trying.

[annab74]

NYGal...I'm sorry you're having a rough day.

I can't talk to you as someone who has saved my marriage because all I have managed to do thus far is to get my H to pause on divorce. But here is my take, for whatever it's worth-- DB isn't about saving your marriage. It's about saving *yourself.*

When you are a parent flying on an airplane, they tell you in case of emergency, put your own mask on before you try to help your child. That's because you can't help your child if you're passed out or dead yourself.

You cannot fix your marriage until you fix YOURSELF first. There is a reason W left. There is a reason she was vulnerable to OW. Until you figure out why, and how to better meet her needs next time around, it doesn't matter if you could somehow make her come back to you. The M would still fail to meet her needs, she would still be unhappy, and she would most likely leave you again someday.

I'm sorry if you feel criticized. I feel certain no one here means for you to feel that way. We all know your pain. We all want to help. And those of us who are further down the road than you have already tried pursuing, making ourselves too available, trying to nice the WAP home, and have seen those things don't work. Sometimes NOTHING is going to work. You can DB perfectly and your spouse is just done. It's not something any of us wants to hear or consider, but it's reality. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but we also have to be realistic. There is nothing we can do to make them come home. As infuriating as it can be, they are free agents who can decide to walk out on us, stop loving us, and throw away the lives and families we've spent a lifetime building together. That's the risk in loving another person. They don't have to love you back. Since we can't control our partners, we have to concentrate on the only outcome that's under our command--ourselves. You pick yourself up and find some way to be OK and know you are a loving and valuable human being with or without your W. That's what DB is for.

[- MB -]

I can't take any more criticism today for glaring at the stupid ow (sow) or for calling her sow. Or for answering a phone call from W. I love her.

What if all this advice is just cr@p? I'm here to save my M, not just to move on and away from it. I'm sure I will be happy one day. Right now I just want the woman I love and miss so much it feels like a knife in my gut. I'd rather be happy with her if there's any chance in hell.

Oh NYGal, I wish I could give you a hug. You sound like you really need one. I know you're having such a hard time. I'm having a horrible time too. I REALLY want to go see H and make him remember that he loves me. Unfortunately, I have tried that and I KNOW that he's just not open to that right now. I do believe he loves me, but I know he's not going to admit it to himself right now no matter what I do. So frustrating! Don't loose faith though.

I really hope you didn't take my comments this morning as getting on to you or criticizing you. That was never my intention. I'm just trying to help you the only way I can think of. I want you and your W back together just like I want all of our spouses to come back to us.

You wrote this back on 12/24/15.....

For the past two months, she has said that breaking up with me feels like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. When she feels she's loosing me, she has (mostly) seemed to draw closer, and ask "Can we make it?" When I say, yes, I believe we can and it will be better, then she pulls away again.

And.....

I'm trying to see "what works", but she's all over the map.

That's the law of pursuit and distance. That's why people are trying to suggest that you not be so available to her. It really does make them wonder about you and draws them closer. You even noticed this yourself before anyone on here pointed it out. When I had NC with my H for 5 weeks, he was ready to throw the OW away and return to the marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to what everyone on here was saying and when I jumped right back in with both fee (way to eagerly!!!), he dropped me like a hot potato. It really works better to play distant and hard to get. That's all everyone is trying to tell you. They just want you to have the best shot possible to get W to want to return to you instead of ow.

You also posted that you copied this list to review later. Read the entire thing, but especially the last bullet point and your comments below it........

I found this on another thread (For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife) from Sandi2. I'm copying it here because I want to remember it. It describes my SO, who is having an EA (at least) with a work colleague.

*She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same.
*No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows.
*She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you.
*She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums.
*Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment.
*You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk.
*Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her.
*She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again.She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A.
*She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it.
*She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs.
*She will bait her H, and test him.
*She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached.
*She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out.
*She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
*Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away.
*She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue.
*She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions.
* Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions.
*She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest.
*She sees her H as the enemy.
*She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog.
* She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.

I truly hate being someone's plan B. I wish I had the solution. She's nowhere near withdrawal, since the EA is pretty powerful right now. Is the loss she has to suffer me and our dogs? Should I make the decision for her and just move out? Uggghhh. I have made this house a beautiful home, and leaving it (and her) would feel like having my own life cut out of me.

But I guess this is the most important point: *She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
That will be quite an acting job!

The things that you post about her actions are consistent with what you read on this forum. They really do seem to know what they are talking about. They tell you right up front that crying begging, pleading, reasoning, etc pushes them further away. Then, you sit there and think, "hey, that's what I did, and it DID push them away." ...and so on. Please don't get frustrated and give up on DBing. Hang in there with us. So far, it seems to be our best option.

I hope you're feeling better. Take care of yourself!

[Rouky]

I'm sorry if you felt that I was critising you, it wasn't by any means my attention. I just want you to turn your attention to YOU. What are you doing that makes you happy? What do you like doing that makes you feel good?

I'm not asking you to move on, I was just pointed towards you loving yourself so no matter which way this witch goes you'll be fine.

Loads of hugs