Change is hard. And there is nothing wrong with being hesitant about change.
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm going to channel an good, but older movie (80s) on you
"Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the F(#&.' Make your move!.... Every now and then, say "What the f(#&." "What the f(#&" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future..."
-Risky Business
Hmmmm...MB what would our move be if we really just woke up tomorrow and said F#%K it! What move would follow that?
Must ponder.
I'll be back
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Don't want to go into too much detail Anna, but it's related to affairs LOL don't worry it's not a hitman business. Writing that earlier started making me think on it and I pulled out some old notebooks where I made notes and jotted down some research.
He would hate it. Because then oh how can we get past it if I am knee deep in it.
But I am considering it. Especially with his misuse and mismanagement of money lately.
Wouldn't it be ironic if I did go through with it and it ended up being a stellar success. If his A that I hated and fought over for so long buys me a house and pays for my children's college?
Poetic justice.
Anyway, just a thought right now. But yes, if I said f%#k it and did something because I wanted to and didn't think about or care about what he would feel, that would probably be it.
Because the other thing would be chopping my hair off. But that's more of a f%#k you and not a f%#k it. He loves my long curly hair. But I do too so no cut.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
MB where are you? Resting up for the big party tomorrow I hope?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Every one who has posted here is right, unfortunately your H is gone. If he was to file tomorrow, how could this change your every day life? Not a thing! I know it's hard because like you I was afraid of letting go, felt worthless and so on. This isn't something that we can overcome in a flash, I'm learning to be patient. Let the emotions run through you ( easier said than done), do what you have to do to make you happy (one little thing a day, then gradually built it up!). It's so hard what we all are going through here, but believe me you are being looked after and your path is being shone bits by bits.
On Valentine's day it'd a year that I found out about STBXH's A, I never thought that I'd get through it, I was very wrong. One year one, still have issue with trust but I'm definitively in a better place. I'd not want to go back to my old life. I didn't like changes, unfortunately it was brought up on me. I was scared of letting go and was wondering how I would survive. I'm not surviving any more, I'm embracing every day. There are ups and down (in general more ups).
Give yourself time, start little, let go, believe that you are being looked after and mainly stop driving by his house as this only increase your pain.
The only thing you can do is for yourself to make sure you are the most attractive option when he finally spins out and crashes. That's when you will have a chance to save your M.
I know that he's already gone. . I have stopped begging, pleading, crying, etc. Haven't done any of that since he ended it the second time. And, then, it was only a brief thing just that night and not again after that. Any of the "checking on him" that I do, he doesn't know about and I will never admit it to him. He doesn't even want me in the same room with him. UGH! He didn't ask me to leave, but when I brought it up he said he thought it would be best. REALLY? And, in response to what you wrote, I ALREADY AM the most attractive option for him right now. You should see the OW! What in the world does he see in her? WHY would he ever pick her over me? I have so much more going for me than she does. I will never understand what he's thinking. [/quote]
Originally Posted By: annab74
Think about all the great guys out there who would think you were nothing short of amazing if you treated them as you try to treat your H. He does not deserve you right now.
I admit that I have had a rough couple of marriages and have lost all the confidence that I once had. I am going to IC now trying to put myself back together so I can believe that someone out there would want to be with me. Right now I can't see it though. That makes this just that much more scary for me. Men can really beat down your self esteem and you don't even realize at the time how damaged you've become.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I am the SAME WAY DON'T FEEL BAD. Its a struggle for me as well. I hate change..but I'm trying. I Go between doing 180 but then my separated husband seems to have pulled away and angry more since doing it so now I paranoid Im making us worse vs better. We will figure it out!
. What does your 180 look like? I mean, what are you doing in your 180? Is he angry because you're actually making him mad, or is possible that he's confused because he isn't getting the normal response from you and he's unsure of what's going on? Might not be a bad thing depending on why he responding like that.
I am so sorry that you're going through this too. It is a horribly selfish and cruel thing that they are doing to us. I would have NEVER done anything like this to him and would have never thought he would have treated me this way either. So frustrating.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm going to channel an good, but older movie (80s) on you
"Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the F(#&.' Make your move!.... Every now and then, say "What the f(#&." "What the f(#&" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future..."
-Risky Business
I'm 47 and I do remember that movie. . Who in the world wouldn't remember Tom Cruise sliding across the floor in his underwear while singing Old Time Rock and Roll? LOL
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, here's what you posted to me a few days ago, I think. I had saved it and now it's time to share it with you:
"DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT THEY SAY AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT THEY DO! Don't forget that, it's actually true!! They are confused and don't know what they want. Remember Dec 20th when I was SO excited because after 5 weeks of NC, I went to Hs house and he was SO HAPPY to see me. I had done so well at NC that H actually thought I was gone and was never coming back, and that I had moved on with my own life without him. That night he apologized repeatedly and told me he wanted our marriage to work. He said he was going to tell OW that it was over. He did just that. The very next day he broke it off with her and appeared to be recommitted to US. I was SOOOOOO happy and as a complete idiot, I jumped right back in with both feet. Things were great for 12 days and then he did an about face and pulled the rug right out from under me again. WTF?!! He said he was sorry, but had come to the realization that things hadn't changed at all and he didn't want to see me anymore...just wasn't going to work out. It took about another week before he started talking to OW again, but they are hot and heavy again. The DB thing was WORKING, but I didn't give it a chance. Now I'm right back where I started. If you continue to try to run into her and pursue her, show her your feelings, etc, she KNOWS that you are waiting for her. If you really want to reconcile, she has to honestly think you're gone. The problem with that is that it is so painful for you to do unless you actually disconnect from them and move on. I am trying that now and am afraid that when it happens, he will want to come back and I will no longer be here for him. That scares me. Just take a deep breath, relax and trust the process. One of two things will happen. You will either be successful in drawing her back to you and will reconcile, or you will be successful in GAL and moving on and will find happiness elsewhere as a stronger and better you. Either way, YOU win. I'm scared too, but we can do this together. Just trust the process, that's what I'm trying to do."
REEEEEEALLY?!?!?! You're going to make me listen to my own advice? LOL. That's cheating! I already told you I was having a hard time with it. What's that saying "Do as I say and not as I do?" Hahahaha! Okay, I will try HARDER. I gave you good solid advice. I will try to listen to my own advice.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
The benefit is that you won't know for sure if he's with the sow or not and you can focus on you instead. You're worth it.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
. I have stopped begging, pleading, crying, etc. Haven't done any of that since he ended it the second time. And, then, it was only a brief thing just that night and not again after that. Any of the "checking on him" that I do, he doesn't know about and I will never admit it to him. He doesn't even want me in the same room with him. UGH! He didn't ask me to leave, but when I brought it up he said he thought it would be best. REALLY? And, in response to what you wrote, I ALREADY AM the most attractive option for him right now. You should see the OW! What in the world does he see in her? WHY would he ever pick her over me? I have so much more going for me than she does. I will never understand what he's thinking. [/quote]